Lost

In a world where everyone seems to have it together, I find myself looking in the mirror at my 38 year old self asking her "who are you? what do you want? what do you want to do and be?" and, I don't know.

I had a great childhood.
I had loving parents who gave me every opportunity to learn and grow.
I grew up next to my grandma and grandpa and they spoiled me.
I was the oldest of 3 girls and always enjoyed being a leader and an example.
I loved elementary.
I liked middle school.
I loved high school.
I was a good friend and a good kid and I knew what I wanted.
I had an identity that I loved. 

I was a great softball player.
I was established and had goals and dreams.
I worked hard at practice and in-between practices because I wasn't the most naturally talented.
I loved my teams and felt like a leader and I knew what I wanted.
I had an identity that I loved.

I have been a wife for over 18 years.
I unknowingly married an addict.
We have been through therapy, 12 step programs, individual counseling, group therapy, intensive programs, etc...
We fought for recovery both individually and together.
We speak at firesides, I spoke at The Determined to Rise Project, I spoke and sang at The Togetherness Project, I helped at UCAP where I met a lot of amazing people including Elder Holland!
I loved looking back at the process and progression of our journey.
I felt like I was learning from others and helping so many and I knew what I wanted.
I had an identity that I loved.


I've been a mother for 16 years.
I've been an adoptive mother for over 11.
I have watched over those kids through medical diagnosis as well as mental health diagnosis.
I have volunteered in their schools and gone on most of their field trips.
I have become familiar with their teachers, nurses, doctors, principals, aids, friends and hobbies.
I have accompanied them to their doctors, auditions, try-outs, practices, church activities, scouts, jobs.
I have laughed with them, cried with them, and prayed for them.
I have celebrated with them and worried about them and been so frustrated with them.
I felt like they needed me, and I knew what I wanted.
I had an identity that I loved.

So now what? 
My childhood is over.
My softball career has ended.
Jon and I have slowed down in the recovery world (not recovery but just the world of recovery).
My kids need me less and less these days.

What's my next step?
I don't know.
I wish I could say that I was more excited to find out than scared but it's the opposite.
I am scared.
I don't know what steps to start taking, I don't know what direction to go.
I don't know what I want.
I don't have an identity that I love.

I am lost.

{***Has anyone else felt this way?***}

#FakeFirstDay

Jack on his first FAKE day of school - 8th grade

Last night we went to bed early. 

Today we woke up at 5:00am. 

Showered.

Got dressed.

Ate breakfast.

Took pictures.

Read Scriptures. 

It was a really good morning and we really set the tone for how we want the rest of the school year to go.  

Too bad the school year starts tomorrow!!!

Brayden on his first FAKE day of school - 10th grade

When Jon pulled up to the school and no one was there he knew that someone dropped the ball {it was me!} so he checked the website are realized that school starts TOMORROW. 

That's when I got a phone call.

Jon:  "Hey Tice, I just pulled up to the school"
Me:  "Yeah, how did it go?  Did the boys find their first classes?"
Jon:  "Well there's a problem"
Me:  "What do you mean?  Is everything okay?"
Jon:  "Well there are no cars here"
Me:  "What do you mean?"
Jon:  "Wanna know why there are no cars here?"
Me:  "Yes, what's going on?"
Jon:  "There are no cars here because TOMORROW is the FIRST DAY OF SCHOOL!!!"

Then I heard everyone in the car laughing their guts out and I started laughing my guts out!!!  How did I lose track of my schedule and my life enough to send my kids to school a day early??? **Sigh** Mom brain!  

I'm just grateful they all had a good attitude and that they also have something to hold over my head for the rest of my life!

Now can we please talk about the most serious part of this post... that my oldest is a FREAKING SOPHOMORE???  

WTDH???

Stay Relevant

The other day I heard someone talking to a friend about her social media and the followers that support her.  In the conversation she said, "I really need to change and mix things up so that I can stay relevant."

The phrase "stay relevant" caught me off-guard.

I'm not sure why.

Maybe it's because I feel sad that people believe they have to be more in order to gain praise or recognition. 

Maybe it's because I see truth in the phrase.  This world seems to agree with the phrase because so many things teach us that worth and value is earned and that in order to stay relevant we need to do and be extraordinary {or at least better than the person standing next to us}.

Maybe it's because at times, I find myself trying to "stay relevant" without even realizing that I am doing it.

Maybe it's because I sometimes believe that I have to earn my value in this world.  Or even worse, maybe it's because I sometimes think my kids need to do better or be better to earn their value.

That isn't easy to admit.

Is it true? Do we need to work hard to stay relevant in this cut throat, dog-eat-dog world?
Maybe we do.

In business those that work the hardest, put in the most hours, make the most sacrifices get promoted and stay relevant.

In sports we award the MVP's, the winners, the most talented.  Those that are the best get recognized for their accomplishments and stay relevant.

In school we recognize the brightest and smartest.  Those that achieve the best grades with the hardest workload get scholarships and they stay relevant.

So maybe there is some truth to the concept of staying relevant in this world because of the way things go but it makes me sad.  It makes me sad that so many are working so hard to be seen instead of just being seen for who they are.

I find peace in knowing that even though the world may operate in this fashion, God doesn't.
God is a breath of fresh air to me because I am relevant to Him regardless of anything.

So, this close to Thanksgiving {my least favorite holiday} I am grateful for always being relevant to the person who matters most.

I'm an Expert!

In my life I have become an expert in a few things.

I'm not bragging. 

I'm not even sure most of this is brag-worthy. 

Here are some of the things I would consider myself somewhat of a "hands-on" expert at:

1. Softball - I can barely touch my toes and my arm gets sore after about 3 long throws but I am confident in my ability to teach this sport. I know this sport. I played this sport and I had the best coaches in the world {minus a few douche bags...can I say douche bag on my own blog?} who taught me the "why's" behind this game.
2. Eating Disorders - I am an expert when it comes to the pain and the ugliness that comes from hating ones body. Body image and body dysmorphia can be debilitating and paralyzing. It was impossible for me to live any sort of productive life when I was choosing my eating disorder over recovery. I am an expert on what life looks like being stuck in this place. 
3. Recovery - the fight! I am an expert because I know what it takes to choose recovery everyday. It isn't easy and I don't win everyday but I know what it takes to keep fighting for happiness and recovery. 
4. Trauma and PTSD - I have lived through some major trauma.You can read about my experience at the Reno Air Races here and here. When I experienced this tragedy my life changed, in one moment I was changed. I see the world differently. I see mortality differently. I became an expert in understanding something deeper than I can even express here. Because of this experience I can empathize deeper, love harder, and feel more. 
5. Betrayal Trauma - {like I said, not the most brag-worthy thing} I have been careful about how I share my story of betrayal trauma and for the most part it has been very vague. People know that Jon and I have gone through some "rough patches" {to say the least} but with very limited details. I have shared a bit here and I have worked with the church on several projects, one being this video with the hope that my story will maybe, just maybe, help someone else out there. I understand this. I know this. Betrayal trauma is a part of my life and I understand it because I've had to go through it. I know what it is like to live and love someone with an addiction. I understand. I'm here. No judgement. 
6. Laughing - I'm an expert in laughing and finding ways to laugh at life. Laughter and laughing has saved me. I love to laugh and I'm pretty good at doing the crazy things it takes to create laughter, I mean... 

So, here's the thing, sometimes crazy people ask me to speak at events and firesides and at conferences on these topics {well not softball or laughing but they should}! I have been focusing on my family so I have only done a handful of these this year BUT I'm feeling like I am ready to put myself out there again. The best thing about this is JON CAN DO FIRESIDES WITH ME!!! We have done three together in the last month and IT IS AWESOME! We mostly focus on betrayal trauma, body image, addiction, and recovery so if you are looking for someone {or a couple} to speak and educate others on anything listed above, let me know! 

We may be your cup of tea. {if your tea tastes more like hot chocolate!}

And on the topic on addiction and betrayal, check out THIS BOOK! >>>>>

I'm more than half way through and I think EVERYONE should read it! You can get it here, here, and here... and if you are interested in these brilliant authors educating and teaching you and your peeps, they are scheduling firesides now! You can contact them here! 

SaveSave

Trooper

It's that time of year when Bella and I seem to spend quite a bit of time downtown at 

Phoenix Children's Hospital. 

Smiles for cookies and a bear. Tears for the blood withdraw. 

She's a trooper. 

These appointments seem to be harder and more exhausting for me! Phoenix Children's treats Bella like a star and she feels the love. We are so grateful for her team of specialists and all those that help and support her as we try to get some answers to questions that have us puzzled.  

And since we are on the topic of Bella... here's my favorite quote of the week from her during a conversation she was having with her daddy!



Bella: "Where are you and mommy going?"
Jon: "On a date."
Bella: "Why are you dressed up?"
Jon: "Because we are going to the temple."


Bella: "What? I thought you already got married in the temple!"
Jon: "We did but we still go back."
Bella: "Why?"
Jon: "We do work there and plus, it's the house of the Lord."
Bella: "I thought that's what churches were."

                           Drop the mic Bella.
                           Drop the mic!

Suspicious Suspension

It kinda stinks when you are involved in a car accident that isn't your fault. You were in the wrong place at the wrong time and now your car is wrecked.

Not the original deadly weapon

It is unjust.
It is unfair.

But these things happen to all of us all the time.

This is how I feel about the long term consequences of my son Brayden's situation. {For those out there wondering... I get permission with my kids before posting stories about them so no worries.}

I was at lunch with my boss when the school called. I missed the first call. I missed the second call. I got a text from our carpool saying "call the school." I got a text from my husband in California saying "call the school." I called the school.

The front desk answered and explained to me that Brayden had been suspended but they didn't have specific information about the situation. They wanted to know if I would be okay releasing him to our carpool. I was.

I checked my voicemail:
"Hello Mrs. Jolley, I am calling to let you know that there has been an incident. I have Brayden here with me in my office {wait, did she say BRAYDEN?} and apparently he has stabbed a student. Because of this, he will need to leave the school immediately and he will be suspended for the next 2 days. Please call us as soon as you can."

WAIT... STABBED? WHAT????

When Brayden got home I listened:
"Mom was goofing off with a 'friend' in gym class. I was shoving him and he was shoving me in gym class during the 40 yard dash, we were just messing around. Then 'friend' randomly slapped me across the face and I just stood there, shocked... and it hurt! I wasn't sure if 'friend' was mad or still playing around but 'friend' started coming at me. I had a pencil in my hand and as he came towards me I jabbed him with it. Right after it happened I said, 'oh my gosh friend, are you okay?' friend told me he was fine and neither of us were mad or anything. 'Friend' told me he was going to go to the nurse to get a bandaid but he wasn't planning on telling on me. But the nurse kept asking him what happened and he finally told her. I got called down to the office and they asked me what happened, I told them but I left the part out about him slapping me because I didn't want to get him in trouble. They suspended me for 2 days. I'm out of the National Junior Honor Society Club and I can't go to the end of the year field-trip/party for Jr. High. A few kids who saw the whole thing even came down to speak to the vice principal and vouch for me because it wasn't on purpose. Eventually I went back in to tell the vice principal about the slap hoping it would change my situation, it didn't, the just ended up suspending 'friend' for one day. I didn't mean to hurt him, I wouldn't stab someone on purpose, if the pencil wasn't in my hand I would have just shoved I'm away and nothing would have happened, no one would have even cared."

I called the school and left a message, early the following morning I received a phone call.

Feeling like the punishment didn't fit the crime I listened, wondering if the story was the same from the administration.

It was.
Exactly the same.

The vice principal even admitted that she thought it was an accident and that there was no ill intent. She said she was very impressed with Brayden's honesty.

So we talked. I let her know that I support the suspension based on the school handbook and the fact that Brayden shouldn't have been pushing and shoving his friend to begin with.  But I explained that for a kid who has NEVER had behavior problems at school {really, the worst consequence that the kid has had is getting warnings here and there for talking too much} I felt like the long term consequences were extreme.   I explained that being kicked out of NJHS is a big deal, that he was hoping to carry that over into high school, that I was hoping for him to carry it over into high school! {the kid has to get really great grades and do a lot of service hours to stay in NJHS... it is awesome for parents!} I also explained that Brayden is very upset about missing the end of the year party/field-trip and I don't blame him. This is the big party when you say good-bye to many of your friends that you've known for years.  The vice principal said she would see what she could do about NJHS and about the party, we are just waiting to hear back.

So that's the story.
How would you feel?
What would you do as a parent?

My concerns aren't with the short term consequences, I can stand by the administration when it comes to the suspension. Brayden made some bad choices which let to an escalation of events whether on purpose or not but COME ON... it's not like he as a record or anything *cough - Jack* 

Whatever the end result is, Brayden and I know that character is determined by how you handle situations, especially situations that are unjust and unfair.

Needle Man

Bella... poor, poor Bella!  

She started out Spring Break with a back-flip into a pool of foam balls which lead to some staples in her head.  Already we are winning right?!

Then, towards the end of the week Bella started complaining that her toe was hurting.  And, following in her moms footsteps {no pun intended} she had an ingrown toenail!

We met with the podiatrist.
He got the numbing needle ready to inject into the infection.
As you can imagine Bella did NOT appreciate this process.

After the injections the doctor left to let the numbing medicine kick.
Bella made it clear that she was okay to never see the "needle man" ever again.






But the needle man came back.

Bella didn't understand that everything from this point on was a breeze and she went into a little panic when that needle man retuned.

In her little panic Bella shouted "hold on, wait a minute... HOLD ON! Can we say a prayer?"

The needle man and I looked at each other and smiled.
We bowed our heads as Bella prayed her little heart out asking that it wouldn't hurt!

And, as prayer would have it, it didn't!

{until we went to the urgent care right after and had her staples removed - poor thing!}