Thanksgiving Woes

I have many problems with Thanksgiving.

I hear you out there, judging me, saying "how could anyone have an issue with a holiday that focuses on giving thanks?"  Let me count the ways {you are welcome}!

#1.  The FOOD   - I mean whatthedamnhell is with all the food?  One thing I have never heard after a Thanksgiving feast is "ahhhhhhhhhh, that was the perfect amount of food, I feel so great".  It's somewhere closer to "uuuuugggghhh, I ate so much {unbuttoning pants} I am so full I'm gonna die {taking another bite of the warm roll} no seriously, I am going to die!"

#2.  The women in the kitchen... {all day long} 
Don't even pretend that you don't know what I am talking about! {I don't consider myself a feminist but}
IT IS SO MUCH WORK for the WOMEN... 

Forgive me, I am getting ahead of myself, let me start over from the beginning...

1. Arguing over Lovingly deciding where we are spending Thanksgiving.  Who is hosting?  How many people will be there?  "Didn't we eat with YOUR family LAST Thanksgiving?  Wait... how many people are going to be there?  
2. Then the wretched list!  Everyone gets an assignment.  Who is bringing what?  Appetizers, main-course, sides, desserts, drinks, paper cups, paper plates, napkins, etc... {we can't use China when there are 64 people eating - not to mention the 9 newborns}
3. GROCERY SHOPPING - don't do it, do NOT go to Costco the Saturday before Thanksgiving.  Don't do it {I do it EVERY year}.
4. Preparing the food {sometimes this begins a week before the actual feast}.
5. Finally, the BIG day has arrived.  I set my alarm because I was assigned the 10 layer jello and I desperately need to get that next layer on so that I am ready by 2:30.  After I successfully get the layer added I move on to my next food assignment.  About an hour into my morning I hear the misters alarm go off.  "Oh, that's nice, he set his alarm so he can help me"... {NOT!}  I hear him shout to the boys, "Happy Thanksgiving boys!  Wake up, it's time to go play FOOTBALL!" Hubs makes his way to the kitchen, cleats on, scratching himself {and sticking his finger in whatever it is I'm making} as he mumbles something like "it smells so good babe" And as I'm cooking or baking {or whatever the hell it is I'm doing} a series of whatthedamnhell's go through my head while I visualize running away with the dreamy Brazilian helicopter pilot on "Inside Out!" 

   

   "Come fly with me TC"

6. Keeping the food warm - this is a thing, and it isn't always an easy thing. 
7. Getting the family to look GREAT - there is something about Thanksgiving, everyone dresses up... but not up-up, just a little up {like medium up}.  The boys get home from football later than they promised {of course}, the tenth layer of jello has been added {yippee}, and now it is time to get the family ready!  I dig through the closets {mainly the floor of the closets where most of the clothes are - unless they are in the dirty hamper, so I check there next}.  I find some "medium up" clothes for all my family members.  I spend 16 minutes arguing with the 12 year old trying to convince him to take a shower because he stinks from playing football all morning {damnhell}, I yell at the 11 year old because he is not just smelling the yams but he nose is actually TOUCHING the yams, and I put the 8 year old in timeout for {once again} getting into my make-up.  One look at the hubs and he knows he better not mess! 
8. Getting myself presentable: I need to make it look like the day {thus far} has been handled effortlessly {so pretty much the exact opposite of the truth}.  I need to make it look like I don't want to kill the mister for coming home late from football and forgetting accidentally leaving one of the kids at the park.  I need to make it seem like the 12 year old really did take a shower even though he decided dousing himself with Old Spice cologne was a better idea.  I need to pretend that there are NO finger {or nose} germs in any of the food that I prepared.  And most importantly, I need to convince everyone that I LOVE Thanksgiving and that I'm the happiest most grateful {because of Thanksgiving obviously} wife and mother IN.THE.WORLD! 
9. Getting the family to look GREAT AGAIN - {because everything got dirty and fell apart while I was in the shower - damnhell}
10. Load the car - GET IN IF YOU KNOW WHAT'S GOOD FOR YOU! 
11. Arrive {and everything else because this post is making me crazy and giving me anxiety!!!} - Arrive.  Smile.  Answer, "oh it was nothing" when people comment on my jello masterpiece.  Find a seat.  Find a seat for the kids.  Find another seat because mine was taken when I got up to find the kids a seat.  Pray.  {act like I am grateful that they called on me to give the prayer when I am actually a little afraid a lightning bolt may strike me and my hidden anger if I talk to God - plus I've said damnhell so many times today}.  Get the kids food {carrying all 3 plates at the same time while apologizing for holding up the line} while realizing that all the man-folk are screaming at television because Cowboys {barf} are beating the Panthers at the half.  Eat.  Eat faster because the kids want more food and they are fighting {and someone -not my kids- threw potatoes across the table}.  Yell at  Ask the husband nicely to help get the kids get more food.  And just as soon as it started, it's over... and everyone is uncomfortably full.  I am going to save you {you are welcome} from the pain of this post and skip over...
12. 13.  14.  15.  16.  17...... eat dessert {unbutton pants}.  {attempt to} get a large family picture, settle for a small family picture {with the random neighbor kid in it}. Dishes. Clean up. Hugs. Kisses. Smile. Load the kids in the car. Unload the 8 year old who just realized she has to pee. Take 8 year old pee. Re-do Hugs. Re-do kisses. Smile. Re-load the 8 year old. Half way home realize I forgot my cookie sheet {To hell with the cookie sheet}. 
13. GET TO BED IF YOU KNOW WHAT'S GOOD FOR YOU!
14. And FINALLY, experiencing the true meaning of Thanksgiving as my soul is filled with  thanks and gratitude because it is ALL OVER!!!!