Thanksgiving Woes

I have many problems with Thanksgiving.

I hear you out there, judging me, saying "how could anyone have an issue with a holiday that focuses on giving thanks?"  Let me count the ways {you are welcome}!

#1.  The FOOD   - I mean whatthedamnhell is with all the food?  One thing I have never heard after a Thanksgiving feast is "ahhhhhhhhhh, that was the perfect amount of food, I feel so great".  It's somewhere closer to "uuuuugggghhh, I ate so much {unbuttoning pants} I am so full I'm gonna die {taking another bite of the warm roll} no seriously, I am going to die!"

#2.  The women in the kitchen... {all day long} 
Don't even pretend that you don't know what I am talking about! {I don't consider myself a feminist but}
IT IS SO MUCH WORK for the WOMEN... 

Forgive me, I am getting ahead of myself, let me start over from the beginning...

1. Arguing over Lovingly deciding where we are spending Thanksgiving.  Who is hosting?  How many people will be there?  "Didn't we eat with YOUR family LAST Thanksgiving?  Wait... how many people are going to be there?  
2. Then the wretched list!  Everyone gets an assignment.  Who is bringing what?  Appetizers, main-course, sides, desserts, drinks, paper cups, paper plates, napkins, etc... {we can't use China when there are 64 people eating - not to mention the 9 newborns}
3. GROCERY SHOPPING - don't do it, do NOT go to Costco the Saturday before Thanksgiving.  Don't do it {I do it EVERY year}.
4. Preparing the food {sometimes this begins a week before the actual feast}.
5. Finally, the BIG day has arrived.  I set my alarm because I was assigned the 10 layer jello and I desperately need to get that next layer on so that I am ready by 2:30.  After I successfully get the layer added I move on to my next food assignment.  About an hour into my morning I hear the misters alarm go off.  "Oh, that's nice, he set his alarm so he can help me"... {NOT!}  I hear him shout to the boys, "Happy Thanksgiving boys!  Wake up, it's time to go play FOOTBALL!" Hubs makes his way to the kitchen, cleats on, scratching himself {and sticking his finger in whatever it is I'm making} as he mumbles something like "it smells so good babe" And as I'm cooking or baking {or whatever the hell it is I'm doing} a series of whatthedamnhell's go through my head while I visualize running away with the dreamy Brazilian helicopter pilot on "Inside Out!" 

   

   "Come fly with me TC"

6. Keeping the food warm - this is a thing, and it isn't always an easy thing. 
7. Getting the family to look GREAT - there is something about Thanksgiving, everyone dresses up... but not up-up, just a little up {like medium up}.  The boys get home from football later than they promised {of course}, the tenth layer of jello has been added {yippee}, and now it is time to get the family ready!  I dig through the closets {mainly the floor of the closets where most of the clothes are - unless they are in the dirty hamper, so I check there next}.  I find some "medium up" clothes for all my family members.  I spend 16 minutes arguing with the 12 year old trying to convince him to take a shower because he stinks from playing football all morning {damnhell}, I yell at the 11 year old because he is not just smelling the yams but he nose is actually TOUCHING the yams, and I put the 8 year old in timeout for {once again} getting into my make-up.  One look at the hubs and he knows he better not mess! 
8. Getting myself presentable: I need to make it look like the day {thus far} has been handled effortlessly {so pretty much the exact opposite of the truth}.  I need to make it look like I don't want to kill the mister for coming home late from football and forgetting accidentally leaving one of the kids at the park.  I need to make it seem like the 12 year old really did take a shower even though he decided dousing himself with Old Spice cologne was a better idea.  I need to pretend that there are NO finger {or nose} germs in any of the food that I prepared.  And most importantly, I need to convince everyone that I LOVE Thanksgiving and that I'm the happiest most grateful {because of Thanksgiving obviously} wife and mother IN.THE.WORLD! 
9. Getting the family to look GREAT AGAIN - {because everything got dirty and fell apart while I was in the shower - damnhell}
10. Load the car - GET IN IF YOU KNOW WHAT'S GOOD FOR YOU! 
11. Arrive {and everything else because this post is making me crazy and giving me anxiety!!!} - Arrive.  Smile.  Answer, "oh it was nothing" when people comment on my jello masterpiece.  Find a seat.  Find a seat for the kids.  Find another seat because mine was taken when I got up to find the kids a seat.  Pray.  {act like I am grateful that they called on me to give the prayer when I am actually a little afraid a lightning bolt may strike me and my hidden anger if I talk to God - plus I've said damnhell so many times today}.  Get the kids food {carrying all 3 plates at the same time while apologizing for holding up the line} while realizing that all the man-folk are screaming at television because Cowboys {barf} are beating the Panthers at the half.  Eat.  Eat faster because the kids want more food and they are fighting {and someone -not my kids- threw potatoes across the table}.  Yell at  Ask the husband nicely to help get the kids get more food.  And just as soon as it started, it's over... and everyone is uncomfortably full.  I am going to save you {you are welcome} from the pain of this post and skip over...
12. 13.  14.  15.  16.  17...... eat dessert {unbutton pants}.  {attempt to} get a large family picture, settle for a small family picture {with the random neighbor kid in it}. Dishes. Clean up. Hugs. Kisses. Smile. Load the kids in the car. Unload the 8 year old who just realized she has to pee. Take 8 year old pee. Re-do Hugs. Re-do kisses. Smile. Re-load the 8 year old. Half way home realize I forgot my cookie sheet {To hell with the cookie sheet}. 
13. GET TO BED IF YOU KNOW WHAT'S GOOD FOR YOU!
14. And FINALLY, experiencing the true meaning of Thanksgiving as my soul is filled with  thanks and gratitude because it is ALL OVER!!!!  

Expressed in a Dance

I have never seen an episode of "Dancing with the Stars" - I'm not familiar with the show and I'm not very familiar with dance... in general.

After watching this video today, I realize that dance {like music} speaks in a universal language.

This spoke to me today.

This is so accurate.
This is too familiar.
This is intensely beautiful.

It was easy for me to relate to the storyline {Alexa having an eating disorder} but it seems as though everyone, in some way, can see this in their lives.

Eating disorders {get vulnerable} My eating disorder emerges its ugly head in my life
EVERY
SINGLE
DAY

I hate it.  I hate it so much.  I hate everything about it.  I want to wrap my hands around its neck and strangle the life out of it.

I remember a time when it had its hands wrapped around my neck and almost strangled the life out of me.

I wish I could permanently get rid of it but it doesn't work like that.  Something like an eating disorder and/or an addiction never just "goes away".  But there are things to do to get to a place in life where the fight is easier.

Choosing recovery is the first step.  But choosing once didn't make it go away.  I have to choose recovery
EVERY
SINGLE
DAY

Sometimes it's easy, lately it has been hard.  And it makes me so mad and so sad and so scared.

I believe in miracles, I believe if God wanted my eating disorder to just disappear it would. But what my experience has shown me is that although God can remove my pain, my heartache, my eating disorder, He see's the biggest picture.  Most of the time that big picture consists of me us having to suffer with Him by our side.

I don't know about you but my greatest growth has {unfortunately} come from my pain.  It has stretched me as a person.  I have seen how strong I am and how weak I can be.  It pushes me.  Even when I don't think I have the energy to be pushed.

I will never be grateful for my trials {I hate when people say they are} but I am very grateful for what I have learned and who I have become through my trials.

With that said... I wish my eating disorder would just  GO AWAY!
But it won't.  Like Alexa, I will have to free myself.

EVERY

SINGLE

DAY!

{I see you up there seeing me!}

Dentist Visits

My kids love their dentist 99.9% of the time because 99.9% of the time they don't have cavities! Bella has had 1 tiny cavity and the boys... ZERO!

Today Bella has to get a procedure done on her gums. The dentist is taking a razor to them. Not awesome.

The good news is Bella gets laughing gas and a front row seat with her Pony's in her hut to "Inside Out"!

Anxiety

I am an anxious person.  I come from an anxious family.  I have anxious genes.

I recognize when my family and friends suffer from my anxiety because I get short with them.

There have been times in my life when I have had a more intense struggle with my anxiety (for example):

• When I was fully engaged in my eating disorder
• When I found out my husband was an addict 
• When I saw that plane crash into a crowd of people
• When I think about the time I will meet Elder Holland

When my anxiety flares I go see my shrink.  I breath and meditate and I do yoga.  And then, I just keep going.  I go along with life feeling a little on edge but assuming that everyone probably feels a little on edge, that's life right?

Well these last couple of months I have been dysfunctionally anxious... but in the last 3 weeks it's been too hard.

So I did the hard thing.  I walked into my doctors office and started crying.

Right there.
In front of her.
She asked me how I was doing and I just started crying.

This is the first time that has happened at my doctors office.  I told her about my life.  I told her how hard it was for me to relax, take breaks.  And after we talked she decided it was time to put me on some medication.

So, for the first time ever (excluding the one time I got a prescription but only tried the pills for a week because I freaked out) I am taking pills to help my anxiety.

If I'm not careful I start letting myself feel like a loser.  I'll let a voice in my head tell me how weak I am for needing medication.  If I'm not careful I shame myself for not being a better person.

But I'm careful.

(This is an example of how I respond when there is a knock at my door and I'm not expecting anyone)

***damn hell anxiety***

A Piece of Peace

For the record, I actually do know the difference between peace and piece! I'm just deep like that!