For Her

Anabelle Jane October 2014 - 50's Day at School

Some weeks are hard.

Some weeks are harder than the hard weeks.
Some weeks are so hard that I am not sure I will survive.
Some weeks are so hard that I am not sure I WANT to survive.

This week I found out that my daughter is autistic.
I'm not completely shocked.
I am completely terrified.

Sometimes life doesn't make sense.
Sometimes I don't have the right words to say what I need to say...

So I sing...
For Her

I love you Bella

Listen

So last night I lay in bed.  I thought about getting up and posting something on my blog (nothing imparticular) but I reminded myself that I am NOT suppose to get out of bed even if I'm NOT falling asleep, even if I'm NOT feeling a inkling of falling asleep, even if I'm WIDE awake watching the clock move on not even BLINKING because I'm feeling so awake.  Stupid insomnia. Regardless, I obediently stayed in bed and strangly enough, I think I was alseep before midnight!  Strange.  I really didn't think I was going to fall asleep.  Stupid insomnia.

With that said, I woke up early... and abruptly.  Bad dream.  Like, make a note in my planner (yes I still use a Franklin every so often), make a note on ALL of my sticky post-its that are sparatically spread throughout my house, make a note in my journal, on my blog, tell my husband... DON'T FORGET.  Here's the thing about "my dreams"... (and here comes my first opportunity to drive any, if not all, of my handful of readers away)... I don't really dream.  With that said, how would one know if they dream alot?  Well I never thought much of it at all, that is, until I was married and my lovely husband woke up EVERY . SINGLE . MORNING with wide eyes eargly waiting for me to wake up enough to digest all his descriptions of the many adventures he had been on that night (and what the randomness is he dreaming about anyway... like Never Ending Story random).  "And then I was talking to Yoda and then I was all of the sudden up to bat at The World Series and then I was in a play and Paul Winkleman was yelling at Benny and Quinn and Trisha were singing Bette Midler and..."  Oh the stories this dreamer has... and they are litereally EVERY . NIGHT!  So, I started asking other people if they dream.  Some told me they dream everynight, like Jon.  Others told me they never remember their dreams.  Some were like me, only in a very blue moon did they dream.  But mostly, from those I asked, people seemed to dream a bit more than I do.  

So back to my opportunity to scare some people away.  So when I dream, I tend to have pretty relevant dreams.  Like, dreams that you don't want to ignore, six sense, Allison Dubuois dreams.  Don't think I'm crazy, I think it runs in the family and without "outting" any other dreamers, my grandma has the same sort of... thing (wait, did I just out my grandma right after I mentioned I wasn't going to out anyone... and wait, am I not using my pinky finder to scroll back over this and change it... yeah, I guess I'm not too worried!).  So this thing has probably only happened less than 8 times in my entire life.  Everytime I have listened.  Not because I'm this intuitively spiritual giant, rather because I get SCARED.  Nothing motivates like fear right?!  So last night I had one of "those" dreams.  They aren't dreams that when awoken, I just shrug it off and go back to bed.  Forgive me if my dream last night is too fresh to share with cyberspace right now but here's a dream I have shared with a number of people over the years about the choice that didn't seem like much of a choice (more like just what was going to happen and what was suppose to happen) to adopt Anabelle.  If you haven't heard the story you can read about my sweet little girl here.  

So, now that some time has passed (like over 5 years) I guess I feel okay about sharing this to a broad audience.  One morning I woke up and said those words to Jon that he inevitably says to me EVERY . SINGLE . MORNING.  "honey, I had a strange dream last night".  Jon's eyebrows lifted (he doesn't know what to do when I steal his lines) so he stole my line "tell me about your dream".  And so I did, I just said it.  "I had a dream that Sadie had a baby, a little girl, and we adopted her".  BOOM.  I said it, I could never deny it (although I wanted to a dozen times).  It was out there.  And more than the actual words being said out loud, there was the dream.  It was more than a dream, it was too impactful to just be a dream.  It was too detailed and WAY TOO EMOTIONAL than the dreams Jon described to me about his conversations with Luke Skywalker.  This seemed very real.  Scary real.  But I told myself, it was just a dream.  Nothing more.  Plus Sadie wasn't even pregnant.  Oh wait, she was... like 4 months pregnant, we just didn't know about it.  No one did.  She was scared and hiding her pregnancy and since she didn't live at home, it wasn't hard to keep it from our family.  

Then my dream turned into a thought that I would have while I was on my morning runs simply listening to great music and escaping the hectic world enjoying "me time" before the day started and I would think, just a small thought, about that dream and before I knew what was happening I would be walking, unable to run because of the emotion that would overtake me in thinking about that little girl.  I would look up at the cloudless Arizona sky and shout through my thoughts, "this is crazy.  It was just a dream.  I will NOT be looking into this.  I will NOT be following up on this.  Sadie isn't pregnant... and even if she was, I would NOT do something as crazy stupid as an "in-family-adoption".  That is just crazy.  It's willingly jumping into a MESS of MESSINESS." and with that, I would start running again.  But this happened more than a few times.  Too many times to ignore.

To make a long story... less long.  I never told Sadie about my dream and at 5 months pregnant she told the family she was having a baby.  I exchanged glances with Jon, my parents and Milli whom I had told about my dream.  When Sadie found out she was having a girl she told me over the phone.  She cried.  She cried because she knew she couldn't raise this little angle.  She knew she was going to have to find a family for this little girl.  I listened to her on the phone and I didn't say a word about what I was feeling, I just listened and cried with her.  I was NOT going to do this so I was thinking of the niece I would never get to know and I mourned for that little girl... but I was NOT NOT NOT going to adopt this baby.

Then, when Sadie was 7 months pregnant, after having met with 2 families and still meeting with 2 more later in the week, I got a phone call.  My sweet sister, in her stretched out body, said to me... "Tice, I'm looking at this long list of things I want this little girl to have in her new family and... well, it's you and Jon" and I'm thinking, what are you doing?  where are you going with this?  please stop talking... "would you and Jon EVER consider adopting this little girl?"

I wish I could say at that moment I fell apart and told Sadie about my dream and we cried and I told her we would adopt this baby... well I could tell you that I guess... but it's not true.  I calmly told her, "well, I'll talk to Jon about it when he gets home from work"... like she was asking us if we could babysit her dog while she went out of town or if she could borrow our car for a week... what the what?!?!?!  But I didn't know what else to say because I was uncomfortable.  I was a little angry too.  I was watching this miracle unfold in front of me and I was too scared to let it happen and just enjoy it.  

Anabelle has been such a blessing in my life and the life of our family and with 1 month preparation we prayed, consulted ALL family members to see how they felt, hired attorneys, signed the paperwork and got to Utah just in time for her birth.  Then we named her Anabelle, which means "easy to love".  Perfect. 

We've had our struggles and trials.  Bella has Cerebral Palsy and some other health issues that keep me busy meeting with doctors and specialists.  But it's crazy for me to think that I ever fought such a wonderful thing.  She is AMAZING.  Simply.  

And now I don't fight.  I listen.  Eagerly.

Anabelle's MRI

Anabelle had her MRI today and we survived... by we, I mean me! Bella did great and I actually was pretty relaxed most of the time. Thank you to all who fasted and prayed in behalf of Anabelle and our family, we could really feel those prayers today. I can't thank you enough for the kind text, emails, notes, messages, flowers, temple visits, thoughts and words. Things like this save people in their times of trials. I feel like our family has been through a lot this last year but with the help of all our wonderful family and friends we will get through all this "stuff".

We are off to California tomorrow morning and can't wait to spend the week with my parents on the beach and at Disney Land. It will be nice to relax and just forget for awhile.

The results of the MRI will come next week so we'll know better what's going on with our little Angel girl.

My Beautiful Baby Girl!

This little girl is such an angel in my life. When we adopted her I had no idea how much she would inspire me and bless my life. She is such a huge motivation throughout the ups and downs of my recovery and she doesn't even know it. I want to be the best mom and example for her that I can be.

Anyway, enough of the sentiments! Look at this little monkey! She is into EVERYTHING. I heard Jon talking with her the other day, he was basically pleading with her to not get into the cupboards because he didn't want to have to "baby proof" everything... well, as you can see, she didn't listen very well!

Thank you Lindsey (Anabelle's occupational therapist) and Michelle (Anabelle's physical therapist) for teaching her how to make messes in our house! Clean houses are overrated anyway!!!

I love you baby girl, and I can't mention Bella without telling Sadie how much I love her too. Sajie, I am still so in awe of you... she looks just like you huh?!

Oh, and side note, that's not lipstick, she found a marker and decided to suck on it. Good job Amber (Anabelle's speech/feeding therapist) for teaching her to put things in her mouth!!!

Having Brothers...

Where's Anabelle?

Who did this?

We are Sealed!

Together Forever! There is nothing to describe this day. Here's some pictures...

Anabelle Jane

So I've noticed a little discrimination in my blogs... there hasn't been any pictures of Anabelle! So here she is in all of her glory! She rules our house, she's the sweetest baby I've ever seen. She sleeps from 7pm until 7am and still takes 2-3 naps a day!!! Her temperament is amazing, she's always content except when she's hungry and/or pooey. We have grown to love Bella and she has become one of our own (a process that we thought would be quicker but took a little while)... now, she's all ours, I don't see it any other way.

Anabelle goes by pretty much that... Anabelle. Although there is a lot more "Bella's" and (this goes against what I want) "A-Belle's". I still see an A.J. in her future, but right now, she's sweet, sweet Anabelle.

The boys adore her, especially Brayden, and she adores them, especially Jack (isn't it funny how that works?) She's giggling and rolling over and developing her own sense of self... I love watching her discover new things with her big blue eyes.

A-Belle (crap, now I'm even referring to her as that) has a deficiency in carnatine so she's on a supplement. Carnatine is an energy protein, but it's not a huge deal as long as she takes her medicine. She has also started doing physical therapy to help her get stronger and more familiar with her body, it's so cute to watch her exercise!

As for Sadie, she's doing really well. She started college in January and is doing great... she got an 83% on a math test so she can't be my sister, all I got was... we won't go there! She's dating a handful of cute guys and working part time... busy girl. She seems to be really content with the adoption and happy about her decision, she's not the only one that's happy about it! We love her and keep in contact with her when she's available! She's still one of my ultimate heroes.

And as for the bows... I had to take a picture and give a shout out to Mandy Koford, she made these for Anabelle... they are freakin' adorable!

Jack had to get in one of the pictures!

What to call her...

It's getting easier and more natural to look at Anabelle and see her as my daughter. She is sweet and dainty and anything I could ever ask for.... and she even looks like me! It's hard work but any mother would admit that it is definitely worth it. She's my little angel and has blessed my life more then she'll ever know, she has changed me... and she's only 3 1/2 weeks old. I can't wait to see what else is to come.



Voting time: What do we call her?
Annie (Jon and my dad call her this)
Anna
Belle
Bella (For all the vampire lovers out there)
AJ (For the athlete in her)
Jane (Anabelle Jane)
Cast your vote... but I'm not promising that I'm going to leave it to the public!!!... Although I will if it's the answer I want!

My Hero

On August 28th Sadie went into labor at about 11:00 pm. It was funny because I was staying downstairs with my boys at my parents house and her room is upstairs. She actually text messaged me and said "I think we should go to the hospital" and instead of going upstairs to talk with her I text her back! We continued this for about 10 minutes before I got my shoes on and went upstairs to check on her. She was sitting in her room Indian-style rocking back and forth, the poor girl was having some severe contractions.

After we collected some things I knocked on my parents door and told them we were off. My mom told me to call her when we knew if it was the "real thing" or not. My dad was dead asleep but found some energy to wake up and yell "false labor" and then fall back to sleep again... (for any and all of you that know my dad, you know that, unfortunately, this is pretty normal behavior from him!!!)

So off to the hospital we went. Me and my pregnant sister and baby Anabelle. I was tired and was sure that we would be going home in an hour or so because it was just too early for Sadie to have Anabelle... boy was I wrong!

The nursed hooked up the heart rate monitor and the contraction monitor and then they checked Sadie and said, "this baby is coming". Sadie was dilated to a 5 and having contractions every 4 minutes. I couldn't believe it! I called Jon and told him to get on the first flight to Utah... "our baby is coming"! He was silent on the phone for a second and then said "you've got to be kidding me"... then he mumbled something like "this isn't funny", and "I haven't got the room done", and "Anabelle is grounded", but then he snapped back into reality and said he'd check the flights and call me back. Unfortunately, the first flight out of Phoenix was at 7:00 am the following morning... wahhh!

The next phone call I made was to my mom, she couldn't believe it either... this baby was on her way! I'm sure my dad felt a little sheepish when my mom tapped him on his shoulder and said "it's not FALSE LABOR, it's the real thing"!... (wish I could have been there when he said... "oh", in a humble voice!). And then Sadie asked me to call Jen, one of her dearest friends (okay this is complicated to explain but Jen is Jake's (Anabelle's biological dad) step mom... get it?)

While Jen and my mom were on their way, Sadie got the epidural. She was so calm and good while they were giving her the shot, I was so proud of her (and I was proud of me for not making eye contact with the needle... I would have passed out!!!).

Anyway, we waited and waited and talked and talked and had such a fun time waiting for the process to take place. At about 5:50 am the nurse said it was time to start pushing. Sadie pushed for about 10 minutes and she was a little stubborn (to put it nicely) about the entire thing. She didn't want to push, she didn't like the way it felt, and her exact words were "I'm never going to have another baby again, I'm ADOPTING"! How funny!

After about 10 minutes the nurse told her to stop and wait for the doctor (she seriously pushed about 10 times) and just as the nurse was telling her to stop, Dr. Later (aka hotness) came in. He is such a good doctor. He talked with Sadie and calmed her down... calmed us all down. The next contraction started coming so Sadie pushed and wah-la, Baby Anabelle's head came out, next was her shoulders and body. It was literally the most amazing thing I've ever had the privilege to witness. Sadie was my hero that day (and many more days that followed the labor).

After the delivery they weighed and measured Anabelle and wrapped her in a blanket. The nurse took the new baby over to Sadie and handed it to her (beware of tears), Sadie said, "can you actually give her to my sister first, I want her to hold her first". I about died because we had previously talked about who would hold the baby first and I told Sadie that it would be her. The nurse smiled (knowing the circumstances) and handed little Anabelle to me. I was so happy to hold her, this little bundle of joy that I had been waiting for. This little girls spirit had comforted me on numerous occasions when I was doubtful of the whole adoption concept, and now I was holding her. I held her for a short period of time and then handed her to Sadie... again, my hero.

The next couple of days at the hospital were a blur. I stayed with Sadie during the night and was there most of the time during the day. We had plenty of family and friends visiting and it was nice... but awkward at times.

On Friday, August 31, we had a court date to make everything legal and official. We went into the judges chambers (Jon, me, Anabelle, Sadie, my dad and my mom) and Sadie was asked a million and one questions. At one point the judge had to get tissues for everyone but Sadie, who was strong and stable throughout the entire process. Finally the attorney got to the point when he said, "please state in your own words why you are placing this baby with another family". (Get ready for the tears again) Sadie said (and I'll do my best), "I am placing this baby because I want her to have what I can't give her. I want her to have a family with both parents, I want her to have brothers, I want to give her the best I can and by doing this, I am giving her up". YIKES. I sobbed. I still have a hard time re-living this moment.

Sadie didn't shed a tear, she was strong and so sure of herself, again... my hero. As soon as we were out of the court room and the door was shut behind us and all of the papers were signed, Sadie let it all out. She cried and we all cried with her. It was complete, it was final.

When we got home we decided to have a little family meeting and express our feelings about what had happened. We laughed and cried (mostly cried) and took turns talking about how we were feeling. Sadie was holding Anabelle when it was her turn to talk, she was the last, and what she said will touch me forever (warning, tears again)... she said with tears rolling down her cheeks "the hardest thing for me was thinking that no one could ever love Anabelle the way I do, but Tice, when I saw you hold her for the first time, I realized that you can love her as much as I do... and even more." Then Sadie got up and walked over to me and said "here" and handed Anabelle to me.

It was time to go. We said our good-byes and hugged and then got in our van and drove off. I was so sad watching my mom, dad, and Sadie wave good-bye as we drove down the street. What a hard emotional week, but so happy too.

I tell everyone, I feel GREAT! My body doesn't have to recover, I don't have aches or pains, I feel great. But as easy as the labor was for me physically, this was the hardest labor on my emotions... and I think it will be the hardest one for Sadie too. Sadie, you are my hero.

--Me and mom waiting.

--Jen helping Sadie out.

--Mom and Sadie resting before pushing time!

---Sadie holding Anabelle.

--Thumbs up after birth.

--Great Grandma and Grandpa.

--Dad and Baby.

--Jon holding Anabelle for the first time.

--Saying goodbye to baby.

--"Get this gook out of my eye!"

--Saying good-bye at the hospital.