Home to this...

I get to come home to this...

and this...
and this...

and this...

and this...

ON TUESDAY, DECEMBER 9TH!

A Reunion I Never Want to Forget

Today (Sunday journal entry) was the first time in 45 days that I saw Brayden and Jack. It was such a joyful moment and I don't ever want to forget the way it made me feel.

Jon was dropping off my cell phone at Remuda life and he was suppose to be there before I got there so I wasn't going to be able to see him, but when I got to Remuda Life they told me that he called and left a message saying that something came up and he won't be able to drop my phone off until later. I was nervous because I wasn't sure if I wanted to see him or not, it's so hard to say good-bye. Then it dawned on me, he would probably have the boys with him (Anabelle is in Utah with my mom). My stomach dropped because I wasn't sure if I was ready to see the boys. I wasn't scheduled to see them until November 15th so this was a big surprise. I thought about it for awhile and decided that I really wanted and needed to see them. It's been so long. I've been able to talk to them on the phone but it's not the same as holding them in my arms. So I called Jon and told him to call me at my house when he arrived at the main office so I could see him and the boys.

He actually didn't even need to call because I was sitting at my window watching and waiting as nervous as ever. Once he pulled up I started walking toward the van, I was holding a bunch of clothes that I needed Jon to take home with him, so my arms were full. Jon noticed me walking towards the van and waved... my heart sank. I really wanted him to take me home, I wanted to be done with Remuda and with this program. I felt ready. Just as I was thinking about how much I wanted to go home, the sliding door opened up and out ran a little boy. Brayden was running toward me as fast as his little legs would carry him and he was screaming "mommy, mommy, mommy!". I dropped whatever it was that I was holding and just started sprinting towards him. My heart was filled with so much joy the second he jumped into my arms. He just smiled and laughed and I just smiled and cried. I missed him so much. I love him so much.

We talked and played for awhile and then I asked him where Jack was, he informed me that Jack had fallen asleep on the drive over. I asked him if he would go wake him up for me so off he went as I reunited with my husband for a moment. I picked up my clothes and started walking to the van when I saw Jack. Jack looked ticked off! He wasn't very happy that Brayden had woken him up, but then his eyes met mine and he just started giggling. I ran toward him and embraced him too. Seriously, I can't describe how I felt, the only word that will do it justice is joy, I felt absolute joy. I was back with my boys. We played and talked for awhile until it was dinner time and I had to leave. Jack kept patting the passenger seat saying "mommy, come with us", "mommy, get in your seat and come with us"... it broke my heart. I explained to my boys that I was so much healthier then I was the last time they saw me but that I needed a little bit more time to get "all the way healthy". I hugged and kissed and kissed and hugged them and they watched them drive away. It's not fair. The pain was physically there. I know I'm where I should be but sometimes that doesn't make it any easier.

I am getting a lot healthier and feeling a lot better physically. I'm working hard in this program and am expected to be done on December 9th... 30 days longer than I anticipated.

I get to see my boys again tomorrow, and maybe even Anabelle tomorrow night when my mom gets in town. I miss my little girl more than anything. I can't wait to see how big she has gotten. I'm sad to have missed the last couple of months in her growth but this is what needed to happen, or so I keep telling myself. I'm sad. I miss my family. I miss my friends. I miss my life. But when I think about it, I wasn't really living life, I was entrenched in my eating disorder and a zombie in my own body. I'm getting better. I'm learning. My family is so special to me and I thank all of you that have helped and prayed for us. It means the world. I can never thank you enough.

Love you all... TC

Remuda Life

Hey everyone!

I just wanted to leave you a quick update on how I'm doing. I am done with my 45 days at Remuda Ranch in Wickenburg, Arizona and it was really good and really helpful. I learned a lot and worked really hard to get healthy both physically and mentally. Now I'm in Chandler, Arizona at Remuda Life. Remuda Life is a housing environment and there is a lot more freedom then there was at Remuda Ranch. At the Ranch I was monitored all the time, after meals, before meals, during meals, in between meals, etc... it was crazy but really necessary too. Now I don't have any monitoring, I just eat with my roommates. We take turns cooking which I haven't started yet because I'm still new but I'll start next week. Also, I'm 10 minutes away from my home and starting Sunday, I get to start going home every once in awhile... I'm so excited.

I got to see Brayden and Jack on Sunday for the first time in 45 days, it was such a joyful reunion. I was filled with so much love and satisfaction and gratitude. They looked great and seemed to be doing wonderfully so if you are one of the many people that have helped my family I want to thank you from the bottom of my heart.

I feel so unworthy with all the love and support I have received. There wasn't a day that went by that I didn't receive mail, packages or cards. I felt, and still feel, very loved. I have the greatest ward, neighbors, friends, and family in the entire world. I can NEVER thank you all enough for what you have done for me and what you have shown me. The service alone is indescribable. Just know that I love you and that I will never be the same because of you.

I love the Lord. I have grown so close to him and I realize that I will never be able to recover unless I lean on him... a lot. He loves us all, just as we are, at this moment. His love is unconditional and goes with us even when we sin.

I'm excited because on Sunday I get to go to church with Jon and the kids, I've really missed my ward and my church. So unless something changes, I'll see some of you on Sunday!

Again, thanks for all your support, it's unbelievable. May God bless all of you, and I know he will :-)

Love you all,

TC

Time to get Healthy

Hey everyone, I don't know if this is the appropriate way to do this, in fact I'm sure it's not but I didn't have enough time, this all happened so fast. Anyway, I'm going away for awhile. I have to take care of some things that I've been dealing with for WAY too long. I'm going to Remuda Ranch in Wickenburg, Arizona for treatment for an eating disorder. I'm going to work as hard as I can and I'm getting rid of this damn E.D. I just wanted to let you all know, I'd rather do it in person with all of you individually but time permitted. I've been spending every waking moment with my dear husband and kids and I'm pretty sure that in an hour, when I'm gone, I'll have a broken heart. I don't want to leave them but I need to. So I'll see you all in 2-3 months and when I get back I'm going to be healthy and strong and excited to start my new life. I love you all, and I really mean that, I love you all. Call in and check on my little family if you get the chance.

To all of you that have already stepped in, thank you so much, you have been overwhelmingly supportive and I can't thank you enough.

Jon, Brayden, Jack and Anabelle, I LOVE YOU SO MUCH. You will be my number one reasons to keep going when things get hard. Mommy loves you and will be thinking about you everyday.

Disciplinary Chart

I have acid reflux and after battling it for part of the early morning I've decided to retire myself to the idea of getting anymore sleep and come blog! So here I am at 5:00 am on a Sunday morning sitting at my computer with my Pepto-Bismol and Tums thinking if I'm really ready to go visit Brayden's first 2-3 weeks of Kindergarten, I've tried to repress those memories... but here we go...

Okay so my little man Brayden seems to have some disciplinary problems this year at school. This news has COMPLETELY shocked me. Now, I don't consider myself to be a mom that puts my head in the sand and pretends that my kids are "better" (whatever better means) then they really are, I mean, I love my kids so much but come on, if I don't see that Jack is going to have some "moments" at school then I've got some major denial going on... but that's Jack, not Brayden.

So you all know how I dealt with Brayden's first day of Kindergarten, well lets just say that I was sad for 2 weeks, not just the first day... okay, okay, maybe the first 4 weeks, back off! Anyway, on Brayden's 3rd day of school I received a message on my home phone from his teacher that didn't help, this is basically what it said (please don't judge!!!), "Hi Mrs. Jolley (don't call me Mrs. what am I 50 years old) this is Mrs. Earl, Brayden's Kindergarten teacher. I just wanted to call and inform you that today at school Brayden sat on top of a girl and tried to cut her jacket. When children in my class do things like this it results in a phone call to their parents. If you could talk to Brayden about his behavior I would really appreciate it. Thanks, and have a good day." I proceeded to press the #4 on my phone for 10 minutes listening to the message over and over again. My thoughts were... "Wait, is this Brayden's teacher?", "wait, did she say SAT on a girl?", "wait, there is NO WAY she said tried to cut a girls jacket", "wait, this has to be Jack's teacher".

So what would YOU do? I had NO IDEA. Brayden went the entire year of pre-school without me being notified of behavior problems. So I called Mrs. Earl to let her know I received her message and that I would talk to Brayden. When he got home that day I talked with him and asked him what had happened, "she wouldn't stop bugging me mom". SO IT'S TRUE... AHHHHHHHH! I proceeded to let him know that we don't sit on people and we don't try to cut their clothes and we definitely don't do BOTH. He seemed to listen pretty well and digest the things that I was trying to teach him. After our talk, I hugged him and told him that I loved him and he was off.

Four days later I received a letter in Brayden's backpack. "Mrs. Jolley (again, who is Mrs. Jolley?) today at school on the playground Brayden was twisting a boys arm. Mrs. King (her aid) tried to handle the situation but had to have Mr. Martin (the freaking principal) intervene. I think we need to put Brayden on a special behavior plan, I will send details later. Thanks you, Mrs. Earl." SSSSHHHHII.... So Brayden and I had another "talk" after school. "Brayden, what happened today on the playground?" "A boy was bugging me, I asked him to stop but he wouldn't so I pulled his arm". "Brayden, thank you for being honest but do we pull people's arms if they are bugging us or do we go talk to an adult?" ... "oh, and mom, Mr. Martin, the boss of our school, told me that if I was naughty that I would have to come visit him in his office and that wouldn't be good."... "mom, do you know that Mr. Martin in the President of my school?" I'm thinking in my head, Brayden I didn't have any idea who Mr. Martin was, but I'm glad that you've already met the principal on the 8th day of Kindergarten.

So I'm stressing out. I actually called Mrs. Tanner, Brayden's pre-school teacher from last year and Jack's pre-school teacher this year to ask her about Brayden. When I told her what was going on she said, "Brayden Jolley? TC, I could see this sort of thing from Jack, but Brayden... no way". Okay, so first of all, I'm dying of laughter because we are all okay with the fact that Jack is going to be a challenge and we are all shocked that Brayden is actually the one that is struggling. Secondly, I'm glad she was actually shocked, it didn't make me feel so bad for being shocked myself.

So people, Brayden is on a behavior thingy! His day is divided into 4 groups and if he's great during the day he gets 4 stamps, if he's good he gets 3 and so on... the lowest he's received so far is 2 but he's received a lot of 4's. Everyday I have to sign his chart letting his teacher know that I'm checking on him and talking with him every day... so that's that.

I guess I should also throw out that his teacher wants me to keep an eye on his "focusing skills". She thinks he has a hard time focusing... I think I should focus on nice happy thoughts right now, I need to go back to repression!


Suggestions? Ideas? Opinions? I mean, look at this face!

GOAL!

I scored a goal for the other team... luckily my team ROCKS and pulled off a WIN

(no stinkin' thanks to me!)

My Own Fancy Cake!

I was out with Jon on Tuesday night, look what was waiting for me when I got home....

Okay this cake is so gorgeous and you wouldn't believe how soft and yummy it tasted! Mandy ROCKS because she knows that my favorite flavor in the world is coffee, guess what the flavor of the filling in the cake was??... COFFEE... with chocolate cake... needless to say, I didn't share this cake with ANYONE!

Mandy, start a business, you are AMAZING! Oh, and don't worry, I have a birthday cake for you, a Betty Crocker special! I bet you can't wait!!!

BEST CAKE EVER!

Okay so I just have to give a shout out to my friend Mandy for making Anabelle her 1st birthday cake. First of all, Mandy totally asked if she could make the cake (ummmm, as much as I like to bake, I guess I'll let you do it... if you know me then you can hear the sarcasm in my voice... I'm the worst cook EVER!), secondly, it was actually Mandy's birthday as well as Anabelle's so she slaved the week of her birthday, third, this cake was the most beautiful cake in the world! Just look at it, how does someone do this? Fourth (or whatever number I'm on) the cake was fabulous... just ask my parents, my kids, and my husband... we all agree that it was the best cake we had ever eaten (sorry Costco, even better than your cakes!). I think Mandy should start a business... I'd pay a lot for a cake like this! So if she ever decides to do something like this for a living, I'll post the information... believe me, you not only WANT one of these cakes, but you NEED one! Love you Mandy, hope you had a great birthday yourself!

Feeling Spiritually Dead

So I have some frustration to vent and it’s taking a lot of trust on my part. I’ve actually flirted with the idea of going private again to keep posts like these safe and secure by deciding who I’m going to share these intimate details of my life with, but in doing that I wouldn’t be able to invite everyone that wants to be invited so I’m just going to throw it all out there to everyone; enemies, friends, acquaintances and even perfect strangers. And on a side note, thanks to all of you that are truly real in your blogging, it’s a breath of fresh air to read about how challenging life really is, it helps me remember that I’m not alone.

Okay so I’ll start with something not so deep. I have to admit that I’ve been a little anxious about blogging lately. I haven’t had a lot of “up” moments these last couple of weeks but I hesitate to blog about the “down” moments, especially one after another. I guess I’m worried about sending off the wrong vibe or being judged in the wrong way. I see that if I was a “healthy” person (therapy term) I wouldn’t care at all, I would just be me and not care who thought what… but I have to admit, there are few of you out there that I care what you think about me… just a few of you though!

Today at church we had a great lesson in Relief Society, but I have to admit, I wasn’t feeling so great about myself when the lesson was over. The lesson was on reading church materials such as the Ensign, Friend, Relief Society lessons, Sunday School lessons and then, of course, the Book of Mormon. Some people were sharing their ideas on how they read all this material throughout the week. After listening to some of the ideas I leaned over to my friend and said, “I wish I had some ideas but in order to have ideas I’d have to be reading… something… anything.” I’m not even reading my Book of Mormon these days. I realized that in so many ways I’ve become lazy in the church. I’ve chosen to not do the “little things” (or the big things) because there are so many other more important things to get done… like blogging right!?!? (FYI, I’m being extremely sarcastic). I really believe that in the last days there will be a distinct line between good and bad, between people that choose the right and people that choose the wrong. In my opinion, the gray area will not even exist. Right now, as I think about it, I wonder what side I’ll end up on. I mean, I know that my heart is good and that I want good things, but I haven’t been working to get those good things so I have to question, how much do I want them if I don’t do anything to get them?

I remember playing softball, we would practice for hours and hours a day, everyday, to get strong and get quick and better. I could run the bases in my sleep, I could field a grounder with my eyes closed, I could hit a home run… oh wait, I never hit a home run! Anyway, I invested so much time in becoming a great softball player (not sure I ever accomplished it) and I guess my point is that I’m not doing anything for my spirit and that should be a top priority for me, my spirit should matter more to me than getting the kids in sports, going to the gym everyday, reading novels, going on dates, hanging out with friends or even having a clean house but sadly I put way more effort into cleaning my house than I do nurturing my soul… and I do it with no excuse. What is my problem? Advice please…

I'm tired now and don't have time to go into the troubles we're having with Brayden in Kindergarten, all I know is that I'm feeling pretty inadequate and incapable as a mother... this post will come soon enough as I need all the advice in the world from you guys...

Posts to come (I'm behind):
Brayden’s troubles in Kindergarten
Diamondbacks Game
Anniversary
Boys going fishing
Anabelle graduating from the baby room at the gym

Jack's First Day of Second Year Pre-school!

Jack's back in school!

Jack started his second year of preschool the day Brayden started Kindergarten. I feel bad but the emotion I had for Brayden over-shadowed any emotion I had for Jack leaving... but let me plead my case. Jack actually has the same schedule that he had last year, preschool 5 days a week for about 3 1/2 hours... so there is nothing to mourn right? He's doing great, loves his BUS... of course, and loves his teacher Mrs. Tanner (who happened to be Brayden's preschool teacher last year).

So far Jack's biggest adjustment to school doesn't have anything to do with him actually going to school... it's the mornings spent without Brayden that has thrown him for a loop. Jack is starting to find his own groove but for the first couple of days he was lost without his big brother! He didn't know what he wanted to play with, or who to play with... poor kid, he totally just goes along with whatever Brayden wants to do. The plus is that he's taken a liking to his little sister and actually is enjoying her instead of always ignoring her!

We love you Jack... you have 2 more years of preschool... I hope you don't get bored!

Jaxtin Jones Jolley

(yeah, I've already told you, it's his real name!)

10 Year Reunion

Wow... I can't believe it's been 10 years since I've wandered the halls of Alta High School! This last weekend we had our reunion and I was able to fly home for all the action. I flew in on Friday morning and went straight to Park City where I met Milli for the afternoon. It's always good to see her. She's the CUTEST pregnant girl EVER!

After my afternoon with Milli and her in-laws and a crazy tennis tournament, I headed to the Horman's condo. The Horman's were generous enough to let my friends and I stay a night at their Park City condo (thanks Kathy and Chuck). I think every person got lost on their way to the condo but eventually everyone made it. The girls and I had dinner and then stayed up until 4:30 am talking about the past, present, and future (yes I said 4:30 AM!)... it was crazy! We also looked through our old yearbooks and scrapbooks... our prom dresses were gorgeous (especially mine)!!!! What a great thing it is to meet up with old friends and be able to stay up all night talking, without skipping a beat.

The next morning we all got up and had breakfast and then treated ourselves to pedicures and manicures. We thought we deserved this after staying up all night! Then shopping... of course! I had such a great time chatting and relaxing and shopping with my old (and I mean old) high school friends.

For all the girls that made it to the condo, thanks for coming and making my trip worthwhile. For all of those that couldn't make it, Ashley made up nasty names for you (except Kassie, you are off the hook), but we still love you and missed you all.

On Saturday night we headed to "The Lodge" in Park City for the big event. I remember driving up and seeing Bud, Liz said to me, "TC, there's Bud, say hi" so I rolled down the window. Once the window was down I started to call after Bud but froze up. I realized at that moment that it has been 10 years since I've seen him... what was I suppose to scream out of the car window... "hey Bud, what's up?"... or "BUD... it's me, TC!!" So after mumbling something I quickly rolled up the window and asked Liz if she wanted to go see a movie or something... the idea of the reunion became really awkward to me! But, and thank goodness for this, once we were inside everything started feeling really comfortable. I ran into people that I haven't seen since the day I graduated and then some that I still keep in touch with. All in all it was a fun night. The turn out wasn't wonderful and the food was awful, but the company was great!

Kindergarten

How is a mom suppose to survive the first day (week/month/year) of full-day Kindergarten? Where's the manual that teaches me how to get through this because it's been a week and I'm still a puddle of mush. Seriously, I've been counting down the days for Brayden to go to Kindergarten for 5 years (and I'm still currently counting down for when Jack goes) and what happens when that magical day finally comes? I cry and cry and cry and I'm pretty much devastated. I even considered home school... but that moment has passed!

Last week the kids had the "meet and greet" night to meet their teachers and explore their classrooms. Brayden's teacher, Mrs. Earl, seems really great and I just kept thinking about how much Brayden would change this next year. And Mrs. Tanner is Jack's teacher (she was Brayden's teacher last year) and we just LOVE her. Still, while we were there I didn't feel a twinge of sadness, I was just really excited!

When Wednesday morning came around (first day of school) I still felt pretty excited and the boys were counting down the seconds until we were about to get in the car and go to school. I found a place to park so that I could walk Brayden in. I lugged Anabelle and Jack with me but I couldn't imagine just dropping Brayden off all alone in the crazy confusion that the first day of school comes with. I was pretty distracted by all the confusion so I still had no real strong emotion. When we got to Brayden's classroom I opened the door and helped him in and then the announcements started over the intercom. Just then I realized that Brayden was such a big boy doing big people things like listening to the principal welcoming everyone to school. I watched as Brayden put his hand over his heart and listened to the Pledge of Allegiance. WOW... the emotions started coming during those few moments of just watching him. After that the parents were asked to leave so I left. I headed towards the exit and felt myself falling apart. I stared at the EXIT sign and told myself "TC, get it together." My goal was to make it to the EXIT and get out of the school before crying (at this point I realized that crying was inevitable, it was going to happen). I got out of the school and the tears started falling. Once I got the kids packed in the car I just layed my head down on the steering wheel and let myself feel what it felt like to turn my oldest son over to other people. I realized, which I hadn't realized before, that Brayden was going to be gone from me for 7 hours a day, with someone else, under someone else's care. I finally got myself together enough to start driving so I called Jon to tell him how it went. The second I heard Jon's voice I got all freaky emotional again. Jon kept saying "hello", "are you there babe", and I had lost my voice from being so sad again... then what did Jon do?... he realized that I was crying and he just started laughing!!! I really can't blame him, this entire summer the two of us have been rejoicing over the taste of freedom we were starting to feel by Brayden and Jack going to school... now look at me... I feel such a loss... what is wrong with me!!!???

Anyway, I'm going to blog on Jack's first day/second year of pre-school later, right now I just want to let Brayden know (not that you can read) how much I love and adore you. Sometimes it takes something like "the first day of school" to remind mommy how much I love you little man. You are such a wonderful big brother and such a great helper. I'm excited to see you grow this next year but I'm also terrified. I wish I could keep you this little forever and keep you safe from all the scary things in this world. But Brayden, I know you and I know you'll be okay. Just know that you have a mommy that is praying for you all day long, hoping that you are safe and happy and remembering your worth... your worth is endless, especially in my eyes, dads eyes, and Heavenly Father's eyes. I love you... now come back home!!!

Brayden Blaine Jolley

Soccer Champs!

I can't wait to blog about this! Our team "The Hot Mama's" took FIRST PLACE in the silver division! Woo-woo! I'm getting a little cocky because I've only played 5 games and we won the 5 I played! I guess I should take into consideration that we only played the GOLD teams (a.k.a college players) when I was in Utah... so maybe it's not just me! Our final game was 5-2, the team we played was up 2-0 and then we came back and scored 5. We had a great support from our fans. Our bishop and his wife came, along with many husbands, neighbors, and ward friends. GO HOT MAMA'S... we actually started our new league on Monday and guess who scored her first goal ever?... ME! I actually scored 2 times against the silver team we were playing and then 1 time against the gold team we played... it was awesome! I called Milli that night to tell her of my wicked soccer skills and she told me to elevate my golden foot until next game, I just think I might!!!

HOT MAMA'S AKA CHAMPS!

PS... I'm really just kidding about being good, I just run around like a spaz and kick! I suck!

Having Brothers...

Where's Anabelle?

Who did this?