I need to vent about... ME! Most of the time I need to vent about being a mommy and all the diapers I change and all the running around I'm doing or all the dishes and laundry that mysteriously NEVER get done even though I'm doing them full time, or I need to vent about my wonderful husband and how much he works and is gone or I need to vent about missing my family in Utah and missing the help and support that comes from being around them, or I need to vent about not knowing my niece that is 4 months old or about finances or about therapy and how LAME it is or about not getting invited to a party or an outting with the girls or about the weather... oh wait, I live in Arizona, I don't need to vent about that, at least not until the summer... anyway, today I'm venting about ME!
I am so frustrated with ME! I'm frustrated with my lack of motivation and my sensitive sensitivity. I am frustrated with my lack of patience with my children and my ups and downs with them. I want to be more consistent, even if I choose the meaner me, at least it will be consistent right?! I'm frustrated with my struggles, and my ED, and feeling depressed, and how I never feel like I'm in charge but rather in the passenger seat of MY life. This morning I woke up to Brayden crying in his room, he said he had a headache so I took his temperature and sure enough it was 102.7. I'm frustrated that because he had a fever my day melted away. I'm frustrated with how I'm sitting here at 12:30 still in my pajamas. I'm frustrated looking at other blogs because everyone seems to have it so much more together than I do, and I'm not just talking a little bit more, but A TON MORE than I do... (if you are pretending to have it all together, please don't, it hurts others feelings, see what I mean about the sensitive part??!!) I'm frustrated that I'm beginning to become anti-social and dread "going out" because my body image SUCKS.
If I'm being honest I feel like a good dose of turrets syndrome would help me right now. I just feel like screaming and swearing and screaming some more... along with more swearing that is! I feel like throwing a tantrum on the floor like a 3 year old child. I feel like punching everyone I see in the face (okay, maybe punching is a bit harsh, but a slap maybe). Hopefully this is a sign of progress. Maybe it means that I'm recovering from my "issues" because for once in my life I'm trying something new and different by challenging all the things I use to do in order to cope with life.
All I know is that I'm going through some things. Everyone said that going to Remuda Ranch was just the beginning, that the hard part is going back home and applying everything I learned there into my "real life". It makes me so angry because that place was HARD but they were right, it's so much harder here. This fight is real and it's the hardest thing I've ever done... EVER.
I appreciate all the support I've had and continue to receive. So many good things have come from me "outting" myself, I have made a lot of great friends with whom I can be real with. So many of you have shared your "junk" with me so that I know that I'm not alone with my struggles and trials. On the other hand some not so good things have come from me being honest and real, and that's okay.
Anyway, I'm not sure what the purpose of this post was, other then to get some things off my chest that bug me about me, and become completely and totally vulnerable on the Internet... again! I do, however, feel a bit better so maybe it worked... now I'm off to through that turrets tantrum. I'm sure it will make me feel even better!!!
Know that you are never alone in your struggles! You and I may not have the exact same issue, but how you're feeling is very real and something I believe everyone has experienced in their life. If you ever need to vent to anyone...you know where to find me. At the bar! I'm kidding...you have my 3! ;)
ReplyDeleteTC,
ReplyDeleteI just want to thank you for being "real." I'm like you, people who pretend to be something they're not BUG ME!
No one has it all together. There are times in my life, I feel like I have NOTHING together, and times I feel like things aren't perfect, but they're ok. I always have an ebb and flow, and I have just learned to accept it.
I'm there with you, I don't know if you read one of my recent posts about the twins, but I was ready to be in a straightjacket that day. They were easy until they turned 1, now...not so much.
You're not alone!
I'm sorry you are struggling, feel free to vent, it's healthy.
I love your honesty. IT's 4 pm my time and I'm still in my pajamas, so are my kids...and that's how it is most days for us:) I think that so many people feel the way that you are feeling. I definitely have my moments. Know that you are not alone. I wish you the best:) and just stay in your jammies...it's cozier anyways:)
ReplyDeletelove, tamara
Tc, I miss you!!!! I'm so happy for you being able to be honest with yourself and with others. I know how hard that can be. I've tried calling you ...please call me back. I really want to be here to help you out...and I could always use your voice of expertise as well. Know that you are loved and you are a beautiful person!
ReplyDeleteOh TC, if only everyone was as honest as you. Sometimes I wish I could be. It doesn't matter how good and wonderful your life is, everyone has down days, ok, months, still, don't think that anyone has it together all the time. I feel like just copying and pasting your post on my blog. I seriously have issues that I never knew I had until recently. I am constantly trying to talk myself into getting out of bed in the morning. Pathetic, I know, but sometimes life is too much. And I don't get why that has to be, especially when I do love my hubby and children and want to be happy and energetic for them. Who knows why we do it? If you figure it out, let me know :) And when it comes to jammies, I thought that was just the norm for moms.
ReplyDeleteMaybe it's the time of year, but I swear that you are not alone with the entire lack of motivation for anything! So going through the same thing, my bed is much more comfortable than anything else right now.
ReplyDeleteI don't know how you can be to totally honest with yourself and let whomever checks out your blog, which by the way is a just a few!? and be such an open book. But you're amazing because of that. Life sucks sometimes, it just does, but rest assured that it sucks for everyone else every once in a while too. I don't know why, but that always makes me feel better. It's like when you watch Super Nanny just to be reassured that you're a pretty dang good mom after all! Hang in there, luv you, stay tough 00's.
TC you are amazing! Please don't ever hesitate to vent to me when you need to. I want to hang out soon. I'll come over, whatever works best for you. Give me a call or text me.
ReplyDeleteI loved reading your "real Post". You are so right about seeing everyone and thinking that they have it together and that their life is perfect. That is what you see from the OUtside, but the point is, people have problems from the inside and you just don't know about it! Don't think for one second that you are the only one with problems-everyone does and you are just brave to share yours! If you want an invite to my blog, just email your email address to me at suzukiviolin at hotmail.com!
ReplyDeleteThanks TC,
Andrea
Thanks for the honesty TC. LIfe sucks sometimes, huh? 3 kids doesn't help either. 2 was manageable, but 3? I, too, have 3 kids and last night I couldn't even sleep because I was so stressed. Here's to hoping these feelings don't last forever. Cheers.
ReplyDeleteI love you.
ReplyDeleteI could end there but I will just go on. You are so honest and loving and so you. You were always that way which sometimes scared me because usually I think that you can just sugar coat anything and at least you will have a doughnut! Anyway, you have always been able to get to the heart of the problem and I love you for that. But it comes at a cost, and that cost is usually your sanity. I know you have had enough people tell you that your ED stems from many other things than just what you see in the mirror, but I just wish for one second you could see yourslef as I do. As an adorable loving gal who is a great mom (seriously, I loved the giant bag of crafts that you lugged to Ut. so your kids could do a craft each day...who does that?) a great friend, (you make me laugh, cry, let me be my true self and taught me to love myself) you are beautiful and light up any room you are in.
I know this is not what you need to hear, this is all stuff you have heard but it is still true.
Story time. Last week I was so frazzled and freaked out at everything that I threw myself on the ground and cried and screamed and kicked...until Addi came over and looked at me with her scared eyes and said, "mom...k?" No I was not K but just seeing her made me remember that I guess having tantrums is not normal...but I felt better after. So have your tantrum. Have your time, you deserve it and it will be alright after. Im proud of you and love you lots. Be you....thats who I love. Problems and all, issues and all, I love you.
Yeah...thanks for being honest. You are such a real person and such a great example to so many people. It is good to be REAL and face problems right in the eye. I have been there and yeah it sucks and somedays it still sucks but we are all dealing with crap. So vent and deal away. Life is a struggle and I think by sharing your struggles with others, it makes dealing with them a whole lot easier. I know that for me, inviting Trent and my family and his family and friends in to help me, was the smartest thing I did. I couldn't have and still can't overcome my trials alone.
ReplyDeleteYou are so amazing!!! I just love you to death and have so much respect for you. You are awesome TC!
And by the way, today I wanted to drop Bryn off at the firestation, TJ fell or rather slid down our stairs because I was disciplining Brynlee and he got away and I should've washed my hair on Monday, but haven't wanted to, so I have worn a hat!! I used to have days all the time where I just wanted to crawl in a hole, go back to bed and wake up the next morning and hoped things will be better then because I was so sick and tired of fighting this urge within me and was exhausted. It is exhausting and horrible. Please call me. We need to chat. All I can say is it will get better. Just focus on those little ones and Jon and who cares if you stay in your P.J.s all day or not...focus on the things in your life that you can't live without because you are beautiful and you know you can live without your ED. You are perfect TC...just know that I think so! And you do have it together more than most people...you are real and facing your problems and not just hiding them under the rug!
ReplyDeleteI know I haven't kept in good touch, however MIL has always tried to keep me up to date and the blog... I rarely have it together and always am on the verge of a turrets tantrum.... So glad that I'm not the only one...
ReplyDeleteTC- keep hanging in there- you are a wonderful person and things will get easier. Life is a roller coaster-
With love lanie
You know NO ONE has it together as much as it seems. period.
ReplyDeleteA) For most people, I think blogs are just thier highlight film.
B) Most people aren't as strong as you are to tell their struggles to others. They feel way to self-concious and vulnerable.
I, like you, find it very theraputic to tell the-not-so awesome along with the awesome.
C) I know EVERYONE (who knows you) admires you for a number of different reasons, in a number of different ways, and to different degrees.
D) You LOVE your children. YOU only know what they really need and how often and how much and how consistently. Consistenty is relative. Your kids are happy. They love you. That's what matters. Mike and I were raised TOTALLY oppositely, but we both had parents that loved us so much and would do anything for us and we both turned out okay.
If you feel like you REALLY NEED to do something differently, I suggest focus on one thing I want them to improve on for each child. That's what I do when I feel the way you're feeling.
E) Ummm. I totally don't go out because I don't have anything to wear, or I have zits, or I'm chubba. I've decided F-it. I make up for it in personality!! RIGHT, TC!!
F) I don't know if this is 'recommended' but for your sensitivity issue. Just get meaner. Remind yourself of the blessings YOU have, and when something someone else does or says makes you feel badly--just remember they just don't understand. It's not their fault the dumb and ignorant.
G) Why did you name this post Peace Out? Do you get peace gettin it out? :)
H) That's all I have to say right now.
:)
I hope you did throw your fit!!! I throw fits and it always makes me feel better. You are doing great!!!! Heck no, is anybody perfect and don't judge them by their blogs. Usually blogs contain things we want to remember not things we don't. So of course people are going to post great things on their blogs! TC you really are doing great. Reading your blog brings back so many memories of my early recovering stage from my ED. Just remember to stay on the path to recovery and you too one day will look back and be gratful for the experience. By the way it is 1:30 and I am still in my PJ's and I am okay with that. I will probably throw jeans on just in time for my hubbie to walk through the door.
ReplyDeleteVenting is a good start, keeping a journal, nobody ever died from swearing, kick-boxing is a great work-out and gets rid of anger. FEELING is good, even if you're feeling anger, inadequacy, sadness, etc. it's all good. MOst people don't post the bad stuff, only the smiles and good stuff. A line from a movie, "you don't ever see the hard times in the photo albums, but it's those hard times that get you from smiling snapshot to smiling snapshot." Hang in there, T.C.
ReplyDeleteI'm so glad I'm not the only blog stalker! I love that you found our blog! As a blog stalker myself, I read several of your last posts! I am so sorry to hear that you have been going through such a hard time. I had no idea, and I have to say I was shocked! You are one of those girls that appears to have the perfect life, family, and kids, just like all those other blogs out there! I remember the night you jumped into the pool with your clothes on at Z&P reception! I thought to myslef, I want to be more like that! How funny the way we appear to others, if only we could see the same things in our selves. I admire your honesty and truthfulness! You are a beautiful girl! You also have beautiful children! I hope you don't mind that I read your blog! It touched me and I'm glad to know there are people like you who are not afraid to be real! I hope you continue to do well!
ReplyDeleteZACK TOLD ME THAT IT WAS O.K. TO READ THE BLOGD LISTED ON HIS BLOG SO... HERE I AM. (BRANT LUDWIGS MOM) I DECIDED YEARS AGO (ABOUT 25) THAT I COULDN'T HAVE POSSIBLY AGREED TO HEAVENLY FATHER THAT I WOULD OR COULD DO ALL OF THIS HERE. I MUST HAVE REALLY WANTED TO BE A PART OF THIS LIFE AND GAIN A BODY AND FAMILY... AIRING DIRTY LAUNDRY IS JUST THAT... LAUNDRY... WE ALL HAVE IT... SOME CHOOSE TO SHOW IT ON A CLOTHES LINE SO WE CAN SEE HOW WHITE AND CLEAN IT IS OR... HIDE IT IN THE DRYER SO YOU CAN'T SEE THE DIRT... HIDING IT IS DEADLY FOR MOST OF US... I HAVE ANXIETY AND IT KEEPS ME FROM LIFE... ALMOST LITERALLY. I HAVE TO TAKE MEDICATION TO MAKE IT THROUGH THE DAY JUST TO STAY IN MY HOME.. IF I WANT TO GO OUT "ANYWHERE" I HAVE TO DRUG MYSELF MORE... SOCIAL ACTIVITIES (FORGET IT) TEMPLE (FORGET IT) CHURCH (SO HARD AND SO DRUGGED) GROCERY STORES AND SHOPPING (HORRIBLE) GETTING THE MAIL (WAIT FIVE DAYS AND THEN MAYBE)
ReplyDeleteI AM VERY HARD ON MY HUSBAND OF 30 YEARS AND WHY HE STAYS WITH ME I WILL NEVER KNOW. THIS IS NOT WHO HE MARRIED. PSYCHIATRIC HELP HAS BEEN A GOD SEND TO ME. TWO EXCELLENT DOCTORS HAVE SAVED MY LIFE... NOT MY SANITY, BUT MY LIFE. MEDICATION HAS KEPT ME ALIVE.. I AM 50 YEARS OLD AND FEEL THE SAME AS YOU DO... BUT,,, JUST WHEN I THINK I CAN'T DO IT, I WAIT ONE MORE DAY FOR ONE MORE SUNRISE AND IT IS ALL WORTH IT... REMEMBER THAT.. MY MOM DIDN'T WAIT FOR THAT SUNRISE AND SHE LEFT US WAY TO EARLY. I KNOW LIFE IS WORTH LIVING...NOT EASY, BUT IT IS MOLDING US. I LOVE YOU HONEY AND I LOVE YOUR AUNT SHERRY AND GORDY AND THE BOYS. YOU ARE NEVER ALONE.
TC- the one thing that I have tried to do when I get frustrated with life or with myself is to just "give in"...meaning...I've just tried to roll with the punches a little more, it's so so so difficult, but fighting within ourselves just doesn't make sense, and probably just makes us more lame. I love you, and I know adult life is different than our "free, no responsibility life" (although I do think on those days with fondness ;) - - but we can still love these days, it just takes a while for us to get it all down, ya know? One day at a time I always say. We'll get there! And you're HOT so get out and enjoy that sun!!! Love you! - - kell (maybe we should all come to AZ and party soon!!)
ReplyDelete