Lost

In a world where everyone seems to have it together, I find myself looking in the mirror at my 38 year old self asking her "who are you? what do you want? what do you want to do and be?" and, I don't know.

I had a great childhood.
I had loving parents who gave me every opportunity to learn and grow.
I grew up next to my grandma and grandpa and they spoiled me.
I was the oldest of 3 girls and always enjoyed being a leader and an example.
I loved elementary.
I liked middle school.
I loved high school.
I was a good friend and a good kid and I knew what I wanted.
I had an identity that I loved. 

I was a great softball player.
I was established and had goals and dreams.
I worked hard at practice and in-between practices because I wasn't the most naturally talented.
I loved my teams and felt like a leader and I knew what I wanted.
I had an identity that I loved.

I have been a wife for over 18 years.
I unknowingly married an addict.
We have been through therapy, 12 step programs, individual counseling, group therapy, intensive programs, etc...
We fought for recovery both individually and together.
We speak at firesides, I spoke at The Determined to Rise Project, I spoke and sang at The Togetherness Project, I helped at UCAP where I met a lot of amazing people including Elder Holland!
I loved looking back at the process and progression of our journey.
I felt like I was learning from others and helping so many and I knew what I wanted.
I had an identity that I loved.


I've been a mother for 16 years.
I've been an adoptive mother for over 11.
I have watched over those kids through medical diagnosis as well as mental health diagnosis.
I have volunteered in their schools and gone on most of their field trips.
I have become familiar with their teachers, nurses, doctors, principals, aids, friends and hobbies.
I have accompanied them to their doctors, auditions, try-outs, practices, church activities, scouts, jobs.
I have laughed with them, cried with them, and prayed for them.
I have celebrated with them and worried about them and been so frustrated with them.
I felt like they needed me, and I knew what I wanted.
I had an identity that I loved.

So now what? 
My childhood is over.
My softball career has ended.
Jon and I have slowed down in the recovery world (not recovery but just the world of recovery).
My kids need me less and less these days.

What's my next step?
I don't know.
I wish I could say that I was more excited to find out than scared but it's the opposite.
I am scared.
I don't know what steps to start taking, I don't know what direction to go.
I don't know what I want.
I don't have an identity that I love.

I am lost.

{***Has anyone else felt this way?***}