I love CHRISTmas

I'm laying here in bed.  It's 2:30am on Christmas morning and I'm feeling a bit nostalgic... peaceful... happy... excited.

I feel like this Christmas has been better for me.  I have been able to focus more on the true meaning of Christmas.  Christ's birth.

This Christmas has felt very special.  Like maybe, just maybe, I am growing and starting to understand.

I love CHRISTmas. 

By the way, I'm riding a "brave wave"... I'll ride it until I can't I suppose! 

Christmas Cards

I love Christmas.

I mean, even in the hardest times of my life... the ugliest times of my life, I have been able to find enough joy and happiness to really love this time of year.

I think it is so many things...

The lights, I love lights so much (I wish my back yard resembled that of Zeek and Camille's on Parenthood, if you know what I mean).
The music, not the cheesy Christmas music but the beautiful and meaningful music (although the cheesy music makes my kids laugh and sing).
The chill in the air, and by chill, I mean the Arizona chill not the Utah frostbite!
The mood, feeling and spirit that fills the malls, stores, churches, homes, temples, internet, neighborhoods, schools, social media, etc... I sound cliche but truly, there is a beautiful understanding and feeling that lingers.
I think it's the people and the sentiments and the traditions that make me happy.
And the LOVE and the understandings and the giving and getting.
I think there is something about the movie list on Netflix that has everything to do with funny ways and storylines of forgetting and then remembering the "meaning of Christmas".
My heart seems to be a little calmer and a little more connected with my brother and Savior, Jesus Christ.  I feel closer to Our Father and my family (even though they still make me crazy).

One thing that makes me so happy, happier than I think it may make most people, is receiving and sending Christmas Cards.

I have grown addicted to the feeling of checking my mailbox everyday in December and skipping back with a single card or a handful of cards.  I love everything about opening up the cards and seeing the family photos and reading the changes that my friends have gone through over the past year.  I love getting out the blue paint tape and finding just the perfect spot on my "Christmas Card Tree" for all the cards I've collected.  I just love it.  And, as many of you may have experienced, I have been known to threaten people (on occasion) for their cards!  Hey, I didn't say I was proud of all the ways I actually get the cards!! 

I'm not completely selfish because another favorite thing I love about December is MAKING and GIVING Christmas cards!  Our family has accidentally started such a fun tradition... we LOVE coming up with creative ways to make people smile, or even laugh, when they receive our Christmas card.

This may be on my top 5 favorite things about Christmas, and it just kinda... happened.  Maybe you can see why...

I never said it would be easy... 

I only said it would be worth it!!!  And oh it was so worth it!!! 

So, if you are wondering if you should send us a Christmas card, please do, I can't tell you how happy it makes me.  And I will send you one too, because that's what Christmas is about right?  Spreading joy, laughing hard, loving a lot and celebrating the birth of Our Savior.

Merry Christmas.  May you and yours have peace and joy always.

And for the record... our kids are wannabe posers!!!

Maybe one day they'll be as cool as us! 

For Her

Anabelle Jane October 2014 - 50's Day at School

Some weeks are hard.

Some weeks are harder than the hard weeks.
Some weeks are so hard that I am not sure I will survive.
Some weeks are so hard that I am not sure I WANT to survive.

This week I found out that my daughter is autistic.
I'm not completely shocked.
I am completely terrified.

Sometimes life doesn't make sense.
Sometimes I don't have the right words to say what I need to say...

So I sing...
For Her

I love you Bella

September 25, 2014 - Six Years

Releasing six balloons for me and 26 more for every letter of the alphabet - because I have met more than I can count who fight their eating disorder every single day.  We all have battles (not just ED) so keep fighting the good fight.  We are all in this together.  

Today (well it would have been today if I wrote this post when I planned on writing it... lets just pretend, to make it easier... for me!) - Ah-hem, as I was saying...

Today...
... I celebrate the last 6 years of FIGHT.
... I celebrate all the people I have met by sharing my story in February.
... I celebrate those that I have been blessed to watch make the impossible decision to seek help.
... I celebrate HOPE.
... I celebrate LIFE.
... I celebrate all those amazing young woman and their amazing mothers in the El Cerrito Ward (and the other wards that joined us that wonderful evening).
... I celebrate all my beautiful cousins, and my sisters, and my nieces and my sisters in-law.
... I celebrate humility.
... I celebrate agency and choice.
... I celebrate the beautiful young women of my ward - before we split and after.
... I celebrate those with courage who are just seeing their bravery for the first time.
... I celebrate God's Love.
... I celebrate family and friends and support beyond words.
... I celebrate my mom and dad and husband and kids.
... I celebrate the sister missionaries and the work I was blessed to do with them.
... I celebrate flaws and imperfections and REAL PEOPLE.
... I celebrate YOU.

I really do.
I celebrate you.
Because I love you.
And I think you are the most unique and lovely be-YOU-tiful there is.

So don't change.
And don't listen to the world because it will fill you with lies of things you "SHOULD" be.
Believe me, because I did.  I listened.  And I believed the lies.  And I was so hopeless.
So let's do each other a favor and let's not "should" all over ourselves... because I don't like messes!

So be YOU.  And be the best YOU.  And love yourself.  And feel God's love.

Thank you for celebrating with me and for loving me.
You are priceless.

My wonderful friends helped me celebrate my 6 year anniversary!
***I probably need to mention that these amazing women do NOT have eating disorders!!!***

Cravings

I went to The Reno Air Races for the fourth consecutive time this year.  I posted a link on Facebook about my experience in 2011 when I witnessed the P-51 Mustang "The Galloping Ghost" crash into the box area.  (If you are interested it is posted HERE)

To be honest, I haven't read that post since I wrote it back in 2011.  I felt obligated to go back and read through the because so many of you lovely people reached out to me, in some way, expressing love and support and concern.  ***I feel super blessed***

As I read through the post, I remembered some things that I had forgotten over the last 4 years.

It was good to remember.

It was good to feel so much love and support.

I ended the post rather abruptly didn't I?  I actually remember writing about this experience while I sat on my front porch... a little over 24 hours after the crash and I was safe and sound, back at my home with my family, as if I never left, as if it never happened.

But it did.

I've realized that blessing can come from the most tragic things.  It seems as though people who experience tragedy together form a very strong bond.  It's crazy how these people who I had just met the day of the accident are now a permanent part of my life.

I crave them sometimes.

I crave them when I get caught off-guard by a loud noise and those memories from the crash come flooding back.  I crave them when I hear the National Anthem.  I crave them when I hear a military jet fly over my home.

I crave them.

I am bonded to them.

I love them.

Reno Air Races 2011 & 2012

I have another group of the most amazingly strong people who I have also met because our lives share similar tragedies.  I haven't met many of these woman but I feel as though I could be my most vulnerable self around them, because they have been through something similar to what I have been through.  They can relate to my pain and my heartache and my confusion.  And I crave these beautiful strong warriors.

I crave them.

I am bonded to them.

I love them.

Isn't it interesting how we, as humans, form bonds?

Life is full of trials and heartache and tragedy... but these things give us an opportunity to become real.

And I crave real.

By the way, this is Ernie Sutter, the Ernie that melted my heart in my original post about Box A-49... he is still racing, and he's still awesome! 

Vulnerability is Real

Oh this post.
I've been putting it off.
Because it is scary for me and it makes me feel vulnerable.
But it is time.
And I absolutely owe it to my amazing friend and photographer Lauren Perry with Perrywinkle Photography and my favorite makeup artist of all time Heather Shelton with Red Scarlett Makeup Artistry.  (Heather is a redhead, we will forever be friends!)

Everyone deserves to feel beautiful right?  I recently just wrote about my thoughts on this.

Well, this photo-shoot was designed to maybe let me share with you, on a smaller scale, what it takes for our favorite actresses to look the way they look on the big screens, and maybe a little bit of what it takes for those models to look the way they do on the front cover of those magazines that line the checkout lanes of our grocery stores.

As I said, compared to what goes into models and movie stars, this is a very small scale.  I asked Lauren if she wouldn't use photoshop to change my body because of personal feelings but, if I wanted her to, she absolutely could have.  She would have had so much fun making my arms tighter, my hair bigger, my bum higher, stomach flatter, but she didn't (most of the magazines we see do have these alterations).  And although I didn't want anything photoshopped I did experience the enjoyment of getting my makeup professionally done, which was not only relaxing but it was a BLAST!!!  I think every woman should experience this!  It took about 90 minutes for me to go from no makeup to "Cover Girl" material. Raise your hand if you have 90 minutes a day to put your makeup on... anyone?  I did my hair myself, which took about an hour, at which point Heather assisted in fluffing it up and making it just right for the photo-shoot.  So, the total of makeup and hair 2 hours and 30 minutes...

Then, once makeup and hair was all ready I put on my dress, heals, jewelry, belt, etc... and then I removed my heals and carried them because, well how practical are they in the life of a mother of 3?! With my makeup done and my hair fluffed up it was time to say good-bye to Heather and head off to meet the amazing and professional photographer, Lauren Perry.

Thank goodness I had my amazing friend Kristi Chapo with me because I couldn't have carried all the extra items for the photo-shoot alone!  I also wouldn't have been able to get through the shoot without Kristi's kind and supportive although at times sarcastic words!  She helped me every step of the way.

Finally we arrived at the beautiful location that Lauren had picked out for the occasion, my heals went back on and it was time to do something that I have never EVER done before... have my pictures professionally taken!

Luckily, for me, working with Lauren was a riot!  Lauren and I have a commonality between us so we were able to laugh a lot and talk a lot of crap to each other.  Lauren played softball at BYU and I played at the U of U so, as you can imagine, whenever she asked me to do something I found difficult (like being serious for some photos) Lauren would say something like, "yeah, that seems like the best a Ute can do."  At which point I would yell at her and beg her for a second chance telling her "I can do it you Cougar, let me do it again!"

Somehow I survived.  And let me tell you, I was nervous.  Lauren was so patient with me as I tried a dozen times the month before to cancel the photo-shoot out of fear and insecurity.  She talked me through it and told me it would be great... and she was right.

The pictures turned out... well, I don't know, you can fill in the correct word.

Trying to be serious almost KILLED me! 

Smiles and a lot of laughing in attempt to be serious!

My point is, this is a process, an all day long process.  From picking out the clothes and the location, to getting my makeup done and hair perfected.  And working with a professional photographer who knows how to work angles and light in just the exact way that makes me look my very best.  This isn't natural, this isn't even real.  Sure it's me and I had such an amazing time doing this, but the real me doesn't belong on the cover of a magazine, and to be honest, with what the world defines as "cover worthy", no one belongs on the cover of those magazines, because what the world tells us is acceptable and beautiful and normal... simply isn't.

Trying to use my beautiful skirt as a prop... this was harder than it looks!!!

For the first 30 minutes a creepy man watched the shoot from a distance! Lauren thought this was great and even waved at him... I got my taser out! 

Lauren asked me to spin once (like literally spin around) and after I did it she said "yeah, don't ever do that again!" Guess I NAILED IT!

The world lies to us.
The world tells us our value and worthiness are all about our size and physical beauty.
We know better.  Thank goodness we know better.

I loved this day WAY more than I ever thought I would.
But this isn't me, not natural me.
This is fun, happy, spoiled, serious (or attempting to be serious),done-up me, and I like this person.

But I like the real me more.

I don't know if you know this about me, but I very much like "real" in my life.

A special thanks again to:
Lauren Perry
Heather Shelton
Kristi Chapo
Milli Charles, Sadie Ekins, Sid & Tammy Jones, Jon Jolley & all the Jolley children, and my Grandma Gladys (who had to hear me moan and complain about how scared I was for weeks and weeks and weeks!)

His Love

Everybody deserves to feel beautiful.
Everyone deserves to feel loved.

In my life I have experienced the impossibility of feeling beautiful WITHOUT the knowledge that I am loved.

Yes, at times I am more comfortable with my physical self (if we are labeling it that) and at times I can get by (for a day or two) feeling like beauty alone will sustain me and make me feel special.  Until it fails me and I am left alone feeling anything BUT beautiful.  Anything BUT worthy.

And then, one day, I started thinking.

**If you know me, you know that my mind rarely stops.  By nature I am a deep thinker, thinking more than I should at times.  Thinking in deep circles to the point where, when I arrive at some sort of conclusion I ask another question which forces my mind back into my deep thought process.  I rarely find a resolve to all the questions and feelings I have had throughout my life, so when I do reach a conclusion, it is something I will never deny.**  

So, I started thinking.

I went through my life and pinpointed the times when I felt beautiful.  And the funny thing is, I can't recall the weight I was at those precise times, I can't recall what size of jeans I was wearing, I can't recall if I had clear skin or shiny hair or white teeth, but there is one thing I can recall.  (Are you sitting at the edge of your seats dying to know what the common item was that accompanied me during the times in my life when I felt the most beautiful?)

It is LOVE.

The times when I felt the most beautiful in my life, the times when I felt the most worthy of good things, the times when I felt the most peace and happiness were the times when I felt LOVED.

Now, when this love was given by others it didn't last, after all, we are human beings and incapable of expressing love to one another all the time.  But lets just say that you are a super human and can express love all the time to others, as humans we don't always allow ourselves to feel the love that surrounds us.  So I am not talking about the love that comes and goes, although that love feels good when it is present, but rather, I am talking about the love from Our Father.

Nothing compares.

(And yes, I did just go all spiritual on you... I apologize!) 

I remember talking to an amazing group of Young Woman and their mothers at a fireside in CORONA, California (yeah, shout out to all my Corona friends in the El Cerrito ward).  I remember this particular fireside was the only one I did with my own mom.  My mom and I went back and forth talking about the different stages of eating disorders and "what I wished I would have known" when I was their ages (from 12 to 18 years old).  And it came down to one very simple valuable piece of information that I wished I would have known more than anything else in the entire world... this feeling would have changed my life.

I wish I would have known how perfectly my Father in Heaven loves me.

And this isn't just something I could hear at a church meeting or amongst family or friends and just know that it's true, this is something that, in order for it to be true, I had to feel.

So I wish I would have felt how perfectly my Father in Heaven loves me.

It is never too late.  Although I never asked Our Father back then if he loved me, I have since had that conversation with Him and it has been the foundation of my recovery in the last *almost* six years.  I have learned that the only way for me to feel beautiful, like every single one of us deserves, is to let myself feel the pure love that my Heavenly Father has for me.

I use to hate the phrase "all you need is love" because I don't believe that is all you need to have a successful relationship or a successful life.  But when I think of my loving Father, then that statement is truer than true.

All I can do is hope that you find the statement "All you need is His love" as true as I have.

What are you waiting for?  Go ask and he will show you just how valuable you are.

Utah 2014

I have so much catching up to do... I don't even know where to start.  So, maybe I'll start with what's happening right 

NOW! 

Here's what we've been up to surviving the Arizona summers in 

UTAH!!

If you know our Jolley family you know that every summer we escape the heat, avoid the sun, runaway from the triple digits, visit our lovely family in Utah for an entire month!  Every summer we have such a great time and make wonderful memories, and this summer was no exception.

We left way too early on Sunday morning because it was still dark outside as I watch my husband wave goodbye to me and the 3 kids and our dog, Rico (yes, I drive that drive as a solo adult)!  Jon's last words to me were, "I'm going back to bed!"  But we had to leave that early because we wanted to make it in time to see
Isla Jane Charles
get her baby blessing.  The blessing was at my parents home which made for a nice quaint evening.  And, of course, a massive immediate exposure to my crazy Puerto Rican family!  Can I just say that this new niece of mine is the sweetest baby EVER!  This little munchkin is even showing some signs of RED HAIR which makes me smile from ear to ear!

Ava and Isla 

Ava * Isla * Hannah * Corbin (did I do that right?!)

She may have been upset with me, I stole some of her breast milk! 

Another eventful celebration was  Sadie's Baby Shower!  Sadie and Devin are expecting their first baby,
Baby Girl Berkeley
on August 13th.  So, in celebration of this awesome addition to our family, we threw her the CUTEST SHOWER EVER!  (My compliments go to Milli who came up with this creative idea and Tammy who pulled me out from under the kitchen table when I was having a nervous breakdown!)  This shower turned out to be just as FUN as it was CUTE!

Congrats Sadie and Devin!  

Most of our time seemed to be swimming in my parents pool, in their beautiful backyard, with our friends and family.  Milli and I planned a few other places to go but in reality, we really never needed to, my parents house is the place to be!

However, in our attempts to "mix it up" we toured a
Chocolate Factory

We met Willy Wonka

Avery * Brooklyn * Bella 

Chocolate and old friends... it doesn't get much better. 

And we visited the beautiful
City Creek

On the FORTH OF JULY we went hiking with the family and Erin and my Grandma Gladys joined us.  It was so pretty, as Utah always seems to be (especially after living in the desert for 7 years!).  

Can you spy John Stockton?!!!

Then, after the hike we ended up (yep, you guessed it) back in the Jones Famous Pool for more swimming and barbecuing and family time!  We were so happy to have some of our Jolley cousins join in on the fun!

It's so crazy to come to Utah and stay for THREE WEEKS but I am always baffled at how quickly the time goes and how many people I wanted to see but didn't get the chance to.  I've also noticed (in putting this post together) how these pictures make our vacation look so peaceful and easy and meltdown free... well, it wasn't always peaceful and it wasn't always easy and it ABSOLUTELY wasn't meltdown free (that goes for both adults and kids) but it was AWESOME.  I am so grateful to my parents for letting us crash their home because these summer trips to Utah are something my kids will NEVER forget.

WE HEART UTAH! 

Can I just say night swimming is the BEST!!! 

***Oh, and I had strep throat for a week (the rapid test came back negative but a week later they called and said the lab said positive so... yeah, if we hung out in that timeframe then I'm sorry!

***Oh, and a random photo-shoot that was so fun and awesome is coming up soon... you know, because I'm such a wonderfully consistent blogger! 

Paradigm Shift

It is not my job to understand you.
It is my job to love you.
-Tice

The following is from Stephen Covey's book, The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People

"I remember a mini-Paradigm Shift I experienced one Sunday morning on a subway in New York. People were sitting quietly -- some reading newspapers, some lost in thought, some resting with their eyes closed. It was a calm, peaceful scene. Then suddenly, a man and his children entered the subway car. The children were so loud and rambunctious that instantly the whole climate changed.

"The man sat down next to me and closed his eyes, apparently oblivious to the situation. The children were yelling back and forth, throwing things, even grabbing people's papers. It was very disturbing. And yet, the man sitting next to me did nothing.

"It was difficult not to feel irritated. I could not believe that he could be so insensitive to let his children run wild like that and do nothing about it, taking no responsibility at all. It was easy to see that everyone else on the subway felt irritated, too. So finally, with what I felt was unusual patience and restraint, I turned to him and said, "Sir, your children are really disturbing a lot of people. I wonder if you couldn't control them a little more?"

"The man lifted his gaze as if to come to a consciousness of the situation for the first time and said softly, 'Oh, you're right. I guess I should do something about it. We just came from the hospital where their mother died about an hour ago. I don't know what to think, and I guess they don't know how to handle it either.'

"Can you imagine what I felt at that moment? My paradigm shifted. Suddenly I saw things differently, I felt differently, I behaved differently. My irritation vanished. I didn't have to worry about controlling my attitude or my behavior; my heart was filled with the man's pain. Feelings of sympathy and compassion flowed freely. "Your wife just died? Oh, I'm so sorry. Can you tell me about it? What can I do to help?" 

Everything changed in an instant.

             

My Purple Week 2014

Over the last few weeks I find myself in a strange place.  

I shared my eating disorder story.  I liked sharing my story.  It felt scary and vulnerable and intimidating but it also felt honest and freeing and it felt... right.  

Even more then sharing my story and crossing my fingers in hopes that some forced family members and a few friends would read it, I went a little further and asked begged these people to wear PURPLE in honor of eating disorder awareness week.  And, even more than sharing my story and asking begging those few readers to wear PURPLE I went a little further and got all crazy bold (and maybe a little cocky) and asked begged those family members and friends to wear PURPLE AND actually send me a photo of themselves sporting their PURPLE… what nerve!

After sending off my story and my request I sat back and realized that what I just did was risky.  I was setting myself up for possible disappointment.  I was setting myself up for hurt and pain after offering up something so vulnerable and sensitive and personal.  What if NO ONE participates?  What if people are put off?  Ugh!  My stomach tightened in knots anticipating the embarrassment.  

So friends, here is where I find myself in a strange place.  I am OVERWHELMED.  Simply and humbly and emotionally overwhelmed.  The love and support that I have felt these last couple of weeks has been indescribable.  And because it is indescribable I won't try to describe it to you.  I have started and stopped this post over and over again in a weak attempt to capture the right words and I just can't come up with anything worthy of how full my heart feels.  

Rather than stumbling over my words, which I do all to often, I will just share this beautiful video of so many beautiful people.  

It's pretty incredible.

You are pretty incredible.

My Purple Week 2014… Click  HERE
And try HERE if you are using a mobile device or a iPad! 

***If you are still reading and wanna do me a favor, try to leave a comment.  My parents and some friends mentioned that they were unable to… but they aren't the most tech savvy!***  

My Name is TC and I have an Eating Disorder

I remember texting my friend from the hospital  “do you think you can come pick me up?”  My husband, Jon, knew where I was, he was the one who took me to the ER earlier that day, but I didn’t want him to have to come get me, I was too ashamed.  On the short car ride home I don’t remember talking to my friend, maybe I did, but by that point my brain felt like it had been contaminated by thick fog, my body felt weak and sloppy.  I do remember one thought I had… 

HOW DID I GET HERE?

And then a second immediate thought…

I’m fine.  This isn’t that big of a deal.   

I’ve learned that this is a pretty typical thought or justification for and addict or for anyone who has lost complete control of his or her life… which is what had happened to me. 

My name is TC and I have an eating disorder.

I was nervous to walk in my front door.  I was full of shame and guilt.  My family didn’t deserve this.  My 3 beautiful children, my loving husband, they didn’t deserve the pain I was causing them by my choices.  I was scared to face them.  

When I finally walked in the front door I was surprised by who was there to greet me… my husband and… my parents.  

At this moment it occurred to me that THIS is serious.  

My parents should  have been lying under the beautifully warm sun on the radiant beach in San Diego, not at my home in Arizona.  They had been planning and looking forward to this California vacation for a while, but as soon as they arrived they were interrupted by a phone call from Jon… “TC is in the ER… I’m really worried”.  My parents were aware that I had been struggling with eating so when they heard from Jon they immediately jumped in their rental car and, from California, headed straight to Arizona.

The next day was a mixture of agony and relief.  This was inevitable.  I needed help.  I was sick.  I was slowly dying and I needed to be saved.  The people that were in my life that loved me knew this.  They understood that I could not pull myself through this place that I had put myself in.  Inpatient treatment was immediately decided.

Less than 2 days after my parents arrived in Arizona they were leaving again.  Only, this time they were leaving with something that belonged to me.  They were taking a priceless treasure of mine. 

They were leaving with my 13 month-old daughter. 

A few months before leaving for inpatient treatment

My parents were going to care for Bella while I was away, in treatment.  It was the best thing for our family but no matter how I tried to rationalize this, it didn’t comfort me as I watched my loving parents drive away with my beautiful baby girl.  

I was devastated.  Everything felt like it was in slow motion.  I was heartbroken.  I judged myself harshly.  I hated myself.  Why couldn’t I just eat?  I loved my family, I wanted to be with them and all I had to do was start eating… but I couldn’t.  When did this thing get bigger than me?  When did I lose control of my very own life? 

My name is TC and I had to leave my family to save myself.

The next day I said heartfelt goodbyes to my boys, Brayden (5) and Jack (3).  What could I say to them?  How could I explain the situation to them?  I didn’t know how long I would be away.  I didn’t know when I would see them again.  So I just held them as long and as tight as I could.  

I was terrified as Jon and I arrived at Remuda Ranch in Wickenburg, Arizona.  It was time to say goodbye to my husband.  I begged him to take me back home… I told him I would eat, I promised him that I could fix this on my own, but he knew better.  Words never really escaped my mouth as I was overcome with emotion watching him walk away, leaving me all by myself.  

Going to Remuda Ranch was necessary but it was HARD.  I had to do hard things.  I had to eat.  For 2 weeks I ate nothing but liquids (the “soft” diet”) for breakfast, lunch and dinner and my body hated me for it.  My body struggled remembering how to digest and absorb food.  I was in physical pain and emotional turmoil.  

I had to weigh in every morning wearing nothing but a hospital gown.  I had to eat everything off my plate or be supplemented in calories by drinking Ensures.  If I walked too fast or walked too much (in an attempt to burn calories) I had to drink MORE Ensure.  I was threatened with the option of putting a feeding tube through my nose.  I was told some harsh truths and I had to own up to some very painful realities.  I had to learn to live in the uncomfortable and deal with hard things in healthy ways.  

Top: My husband, Jon, and I during "Family Week"
Bottom: A few of the women I grew really close to while at Remuda Ranch

I was gone for 75 days.  

I missed Halloween.  I missed Jack’s 4^th birthday.  I called him on his birthday and had all the girls from my house sing “happy birthday”.  When they were done I heard Jack laugh on the other end of the phone call, then he said, “Mom, it’s my birthday, why aren’t you here?”  Right then I hung up the phone, I had to.  I couldn’t even find my voice as my regret and emotion took over once again.  

My name is TC and I believe lies.

Eating disorders are no joke.  They are all different and they are all uniquely complex.  I spent a lot of time listening and learning about how so many dynamic, smart, happy, lovely, fun, beautiful women ended up with eating disorders that were drastically affecting their lives.  In my experience, the universal problem was that we all trusted lies.  Every single one of us, on some level, believed lies.

The lies I trusted had a lot to do with being worthy.  I absolutely believed that I was unworthy… of everything.  I was unworthy of God, of love, my family, my friends, my children, my marriage… everything!  I believed that I could and would never be worthy, that nothing and no one could possibly EVER love me, simply because I was unlovable, I was unworthy of love.  And I believed this with all of my heart.  To me, this was reality.  

My name is TC and I am learning to believe truth.

I have been home from Remuda Ranch for over 5 years now and I still have to proactively put forth effort to stay healthy.  I constantly have to catch my first thought (which is usually a lie), challenge it, and change it (to a truth).  I have to have a plan in place for the times when I start feeling the pull to engage in eating disorder behaviors.  Some days, weeks, months seem to come and go with little effort but some days, weeks, months come and I feel as though I am back on the front lines fighting for my life.  The difference in my fight now, is that I finally believe that I am valuable and that I am worthy!  I am not only valuable and worthy enough to fight these battles, but I am actually worthy enough to win them! 

5 years to the day I went to Remuda Ranch. We celebrated by letting 5 balloons go.

I believe that eating disorders are REAL.  MY eating disorder is real.  Eating disorders have the highest mortality rate of any other mental illness.  I believe that eating disorders are serious.  I can finally acknowledge that MY eating disorder is serious. 

I believe that starving myself or binging after eating was my desperate attempt at controlling my life.  It was my lame attempt at making myself feel worthy.  It was a lousy coping mechanism and a very false form of self-soothing.  

I believe that all the pains and fears and insecurities that I hide myself from by turning to my eating disorder will ALWAYS inevitably and eventually catch up to me.  I have learned that the best way to move through my painful mess is by simply (or not so simply) sitting in it and feeling it and validating it.  Pushing it away by running to an addiction or a false form of self-soothing is only delaying and magnifying what will eventually come.  

My name is TC and I have learned some very hard things.

I have learned that my eating disorder will never go away, much like an addiction it will always be “there” inside of me.  I will always have to be proactive to keep myself in a healthy place, even after all these years I have to consciously “fight” against my eating disorder and the lies it wants me to believe.  

I have learned that if I work, if I use the things I have been taught and the tools I have been given, then my eating disorder will only take up a tiny little space somewhere in the back of my brain, rather than consume it like it has in the past.

I have learned was that I CAN’T trust my eyes to tell me the truth about myself.  This lesson wasn’t one I easily accepted and for the longest time I couldn’t understand this concept.  I was told that my very own eyes were incapable of accurately seeing my reflection in a mirror.  How could I agree that my very eyes that lovingly watch as my children play, my very own eyes that can recognize when someone needs a friend, the same eyes that can recognize God’s love by watching a colorful sunset in the Arizona desert… those eyes that see so many realities are capable of seeing accurately ACCEPT when I am looking at MYSELF?  The tests I took while working at Remuda Ranch proved that I saw myself, my very own eyes saw my reflection, as 52 pounds distorted.  This news was so unbelievably painful and confusing to me, and in some ways it still is, but I am learning to trust and accept (with great sadness) that my eyes possibly don’t “see” me.

I have learned to be patient with myself.  I have messed up… and I have messed up big time and I have messed up a lot.  But I have realized that, for me, recovery isn’t pretty and it isn’t clean and it isn’t a one-time fix.  I have learned that my recovery is very ugly and very messy and I have learned that I will fail sometimes.  But I have also learned how to see the bigger picture.  I have learned how to hold on to hope and how to give myself grace while I heal.

I haven’t quite learned how to entirely love the physical part of my body, but I haven’t given up on the possibility.  However, I have been able to learn to love my body for all the things it can do for me.  I have learned to appreciate what my healthy body is capable of and I have learned to be grateful for it.

My eating disorder will probably be a part of me for the rest of my life but I believe that the harder I fight the easier my battle will be.  I have hope that I can heal.  I have hope that the people who love me truly love me for who I am, not what I am.  And I have hope that one day I will sincerely and completely love and embrace my whole body with all my wonderful flaws.  

My name is TC and I have hope that I can and will love myself completely. 

Thanks to my friend Jacy who asked me to sit down and write this out.  Her blog is so beautifully full of hope and healing.  The stories that are shared on 'My Name is Jacy' are from real people who are going through life just like you and I.  Go there.  Go there.  You NEED to GO to her blog to read more wonderful stories.  Visit here or here http://www.mynameisjacy.com -

For more information about Eating Disorders, check out the national website at: 

http://www.nationaleatingdisorders.org