#FakeFirstDay

Jack on his first FAKE day of school - 8th grade

Last night we went to bed early. 

Today we woke up at 5:00am. 

Showered.

Got dressed.

Ate breakfast.

Took pictures.

Read Scriptures. 

It was a really good morning and we really set the tone for how we want the rest of the school year to go.  

Too bad the school year starts tomorrow!!!

Brayden on his first FAKE day of school - 10th grade

When Jon pulled up to the school and no one was there he knew that someone dropped the ball {it was me!} so he checked the website are realized that school starts TOMORROW. 

That's when I got a phone call.

Jon:  "Hey Tice, I just pulled up to the school"
Me:  "Yeah, how did it go?  Did the boys find their first classes?"
Jon:  "Well there's a problem"
Me:  "What do you mean?  Is everything okay?"
Jon:  "Well there are no cars here"
Me:  "What do you mean?"
Jon:  "Wanna know why there are no cars here?"
Me:  "Yes, what's going on?"
Jon:  "There are no cars here because TOMORROW is the FIRST DAY OF SCHOOL!!!"

Then I heard everyone in the car laughing their guts out and I started laughing my guts out!!!  How did I lose track of my schedule and my life enough to send my kids to school a day early??? **Sigh** Mom brain!  

I'm just grateful they all had a good attitude and that they also have something to hold over my head for the rest of my life!

Now can we please talk about the most serious part of this post... that my oldest is a FREAKING SOPHOMORE???  

WTDH???

Empathy & The Atonement

A few weeks ago, in church I had some thoughts. 

We were talking about... actually, I have no idea what the topic was!  Anyway, empathy came up and I started thinking "why do we, as humans reach out to others when we are struggling?  Why do we crave this?  Why do we reach out to certain types of people verses others?"  Those were my thoughts.  As the day went on I realized that we crave others who empathize.  Even when someone hasn't been through our exact situation we crave people who can sit with us and feel with us.  This idea makes me want always be aware and always improve on empathy.  We, as mortal humans, NEED to feel understood and heard and loved and accepted and HEARD.  We NEED to know that we are not alone. 

Which took me to some deeper thoughts, about the atonement. 

Why was it so vital ***SO VITAL*** for Christ to suffer and FEEL every single emotion, pain, regret, betrayal, ETC... that we feel? That I feel? 

And it hit me, EMPATHY!  We, as children of God, need to know that someone, even ONE SINGLE PERSON has felt EXACTLY how we have felt, how we do feel.  That is one of many reasons why Christ had to endure and suffer, so that I wouldn't feel alone. 

He is always with us. We are never alone. 

(and yes, I am writing during a boring Gospel Doctrine lesson!!) 

Truth

Do you believe this? I do. I really TRULY  do. It's just... sometimes, I forget.

Sometimes I get caught up with the world and wrapped around things that really TRULY don't matter.

But really, who can blame me? The world is just that, it's THE LARGE ROUND GINORMOUS ALL CONSUMING WORLD! 

It is everywhere I am and everywhere I see.
It is all the sounds and textures and the sights and conversations.

It's the mundane routine of waking the kids up every Monday {Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday} to get them off to school on time. Where in-between waking them up and getting them to school looks {and feels} like a scene from an insane asylum! Starting with the tween begging for "five more minutes" and refusing to get moving. Negotiating with the 8 year old to eat before she gets dressed because yesterday she spilled her breakfast and had to change her clothes... twice! It's running around trying to find socks and shoes and homework even though {I swear} everything was all set out the night before so we could avoid the chaos {and yelling, and blaming, and fighting}. It's hearing the kids argue with one another and trying not to take it personal as the voices in my head tell me "if you were a better mother..."

The world is the frustration and worry that I feel when my car makes a weird sound and it is the panic I feel as I wonder what this could mean or how much it will cost. It's the dirty bathroom that painfully shouts words of inadequacy regarding my "homemaking" skills. It's the shame I feel as I drive past the gym that I haven't visited in weeks.

The world is the commercials on TV I see that define what "real" happiness is or what I need to do in order to be more valuable. The world makes it very clear that women must be thin and sexy and tan and, of course, stay young {because that's possible...wait}. While it reminds men that possessions and financial success is their ticket to respect and value and it will also guarantee them that wife that is thin and sexy and tan and never ages.

The world is the whispers of shame I feel when I spend time on social media reading meaningless articles and comparing myself to all the perfectly happy people and it's also the guilt I feel when I avoid social media and miss the message that my neighbor had to go to the hospital.

The world is overwhelming and it seems to always be telling me how I can be better. It seems to be shouting my inadequacies at me with the punch line of "but hey, don't give up hope, I can save you... {for 3 easy payments of $39.99 and your soul}.

The world is everywhere and really, there is no escaping it.
BUT just because I am  in the world doesn't mean I have to be of the world right?

You and I have to fight for truth. The truth sets us free. The world doesn't tell us the truth. We can't earn our value because WE ARE VALUABLE. We can't earn love because WE ARE LOVE.  You and I are already infinitely valuable and lovable.

BEST. NEWS. EVER. 

I was privilege enough to share this message with some amazing women and young women last night. When I see them staring back at me I see light and love and value. I am honored and humbled at the chance to help them remember the truth about their value.

But the biggest privilege of preparing to speak, the best part of my process is that I get to remember.

And remembering how valuable I am, remembering the truth, well... it's more beauty than this world can hold.

MERRY CHRISTMAS LOVE THE JOLLEY'S! 

We love this tradition {even though there is so much pressure}! There is a purpose behind our Christmas cards... life is hard. Our family has celebrated joyful moments; moments that make hearts skip a beat, moments where jaws are sore from laughing so hard it hurts. Along with those highs we have endured painful moments; moments that make hearts stop out of fear, moments where eyes are swollen from sleepless nights filled with tears. Life is hard. One of the purposes behind our cards are to bring a smile to the faces of those we love or maybe even to bring laughter into your homes {if only for a brief moment}. We {I} have such a fun time creating these cards and my family is amazing for supporting my crazy!!! We love you all and hope that, no matter where you are in life, you have a very Merry Christmas!

Angels in Trees

Here He Stands

Monday morning started bright and early for Dad and Jon.  They were up by 5:00am and off to pick up all the equipment that they needed to take down are 3 large sissoo trees.  They had a deadline, my mom and dad were scheduled to fly home from Arizona on the last available flight back to Utah that day, and so they had to be done by the early evening. 

Getting Started

It was 8:30am when I first heard the roar of my dad’s chainsaw. 

It was 9:00am when I peeled out of the driveway rushing my dad to the emergency room.

Somewhere in those 30 minutes my entire world stood still. 

Somewhere in those 30 minutes I realized how vulnerable we all are.

Somewhere in those 30 minutes I realized my helplessness.

Isn’t it confusing how time can do that?

I was out in the yard with Jon and Dad; they were discussing “tree cutting down strategy” as Jon climbed up the ladder to take the chainsaw from my dad so that my dad could relocate.  I was vaguely listening to them but I remember thinking how macho they sounded and then I visualized “Tim the Tool Man Taylor” doing his barking-growl manly noise.  At one point I heard Jon tell my dad, “so just move the ladder over a little bit” at which my dad responded “okay”... but he never did. 

That was it… Jon walked into the garage to get something.  I was picking up branches in the yard.  My mom took Bella in the house to get her shoes on so that they could go on a bike ride together.  Everything was in order.

But out of the corner of my eye I noticed something.  I noticed the tree jolt.  It jolted suddenly and violently and it caught my attention.  I looked over to see what was happening.  

Then, I watched in horror as my dad fell. 

How long does it take to fall 20 feet?  

He fell directly, he didn’t hit any branches, it was as free as a "free-fall" can get.  

How long does it take? 

If you ask me, it takes forever. 

Perspective of the Fall 

My experience is uniquely mine and this is what I experienced. 

My dad

My rock solid person

My stronger than anyone hero

My trusted friend

My inappropriate sense of humor buddy

My “I will always be here for you” ally

My protector

My dad unable to protect himself or stop time or keep himself safe.

My dad at the mercy of gravity.  I watched and witnessed something I have never experienced before... 

My dad was completely and utterly 

 HELPLESS

I watched as frame by frame he fell.  I remember how he fell.  He wasn’t screaming, he wasn’t flailing his arms or legs, he was simply and silently falling.

And then I watched and listened as gravity pulled him down and he collided with the cement. 

The silence was deafening.  I wanted to hear noise.  I wanted to hear him scream out in pain or wince or swear.  It’s like having a baby, the baby needs to cry out, that is how we know that the baby is breathing.  I needed my dad to cry out but the only noise that existed was my voice. 

My body was moving in slow motion towards my dad but my voice seemed to be on fast forward.  I was yelling SCREAMING  “my dad just fell out of the tree, call 911” over and over again.  I wanted to be as clear as I could so that someone would hear me and immediately call 911! 

Jon heard me.  I’m not sure what all happened in that moment or two but I remember debating whether or not to run towards my dad.  I was afraid of what I may see and after my experience in 2011 at the Reno Air Races, I was very careful and very deliberate in my decision to move towards my dad.   

When I got to him he was moving. 

RELIEF

I was in full-blown “WE NEED TO HELP HIM NOW” mode.

Some people (my mom) refer to this as panic mode but I call it super vigilant chaotic "we need to help him now" mode.  

Potayyyto/Potahhhto 

I kept screaming for Jon to call 911 and then I would go over to my dad and ask him where he was hurt.  My dad couldn’t talk, he could barely breath and what was his breathing sounded like shallow short breaths.  I didn’t have the patience to wait for him to answer me and tell me what was going on with him. 

By this time my mom had heard the commotion and came out to see what was going on.  My mom is a lot less panicky  a lot less loud  a lot less crazy My mom is a lot calmer than I am in situations like this.  She was gentle with my dad, she listened to him and talked him through where his pain was.  She didn’t see the fall so she was patiently asking him questions and waiting for his answers. 

Jon was on the phone with the 911 operator who had dispatched the ambulance and I continued pacing around my dad, careful not to get too close to him.  

I was afraid to touch him.

I was afraid to move him.

I was afraid that he was trying to move. 

I yelled at him to “STOP MOVING” and my mom, the calm person she is, stood up and put her hands softly on my shoulders and looked at me.  In a very validating and loving tone she said, “Tice, it’s okay, calm down”.  In a not so very validating and not so loving tone I replied “DON’T TELL ME TO CALM DOWN!” 

(Side note) I’m never going to live that down.  My dad says he remembers the whole thing.  Me screaming like a lunatic, me asking him questions and not waiting around long enough to get the answers, me yelling at my mom… the funny thing is, he knows me, and he knows that I must love him very much to let myself go crazy like that. 

Against my advice my dad stood up.  I was so mad.  But as soon as he stood up I ran to my van and pulled up to where he was standing.  I demanded that he get in immediately.  Jon still had the 911 dispatcher on the phone (this really did happen within minutes) and I told Jon to cancel the ambulance, that I was driving my dad to the hospital myself. 

As a matter of fact, everyone listened to me!

When we got to the ER I dropped my mom and dad off.  My dad seemed to be in shock.  He could talk (in an airy sort of voice) and he could tell his arm was broken.  As the day progressed he got test after test done.  They eventually put him in an ambulance and transferred him to a hospital in Phoenix because it had a trauma unit (apparently falling from anything higher than 15 feet requires some sort of trauma treatment) where they admitted him.  He stayed there for a couple of nights.  He was pretty banged up with cuts and bruises but he was treated for 3 broken ribs and a shattered wrist, which resulted in surgery.  

The Events Documented 

Then he was discharged.

Then we got him back to Utah.

It’s been 11 days since this all happened and I’ve been waiting for it to hit me, to catch up to me.  

I’m familiar with trauma and how it works for me and so I’ve been expecting it.  

Today it hit me. 

As I returned home from dropping Bella off at a swim party and pulled into the driveway I looked up at the tree.  I looked down at the cement.  And I felt the pull of my heart.

Here it comes.

Embrace it.

Lean into it. 

Move through it. 

I parked the car and got out.  I went and lay under that huge tree.  I lay in the exact place my dad fell and I started crying.  I closed my eyes and said a prayer of gratitude.  I lay there for 30 minutes feeling all the emotion that was affiliated with my experience.

Somewhere in those 30 minutes my entire world stood still. 

Somewhere in those 30 minutes I realized how vulnerable we all are.

Somewhere in those 30 minutes I realized my helplessness.

My crying turned to sobbing, which turned to gratitude, which turned to peace. 

Embrace it.

Lean into it.

Move through it. 

I found peace in remembering the words that the emergency room doctor said to my dad over and over again. 

“You were watched over by angels today”

Laying Under the Tree on the Place Dad Landed

Laying under that tree today was healing.  I’m not sure why my dad had to fall.  I’m not sure why I had to witness it.  I’m not always sure why some things are necessary and what it is that I am suppose to learn from them but I do know this… angels accompany us and God loves us and I love my family.  

 

*Thank you for all your prayers and your thoughts and for reaching out to my parents and our family.  We were overwhelmed (especially my dad) with all the outpouring of love and concern* 

THANK YOU!

#damnhell 

I've Seen Both Sides of the Clouds

Mike took this on our flight {because he has to do everything}

In June my family and I went on our annual vacation to Newport Beach but this trip was very special and very unique.

I was able to spend time with some dear friends of mine.  We met in Reno at the Reno Air Races in 2011.  We met the year of the crash.  We met the year the Galloping Ghost plummeted into the box seating killing a dozen people and hurting so many more.  The thing about going through something like that is that those you go through it with are automatically connected to each other.  It is a strange phenomenon, but it is real.  I am very connected to those that were there that day, I am very connected to Mike and Kendle.

I have so things many to say about Mike and Kendle and the people they are, the flights they took my boys (including my hubby) on, the service they give, the kindness in their hearts, their amazing examples, etc... but today I want to write about my very own spiritual flight with Mike.

I have a crush on a man.  Don't worry, Jon is okay with it!  My crush isn't just any old man.  My crush is on a Stearman.  A beautiful convertible yellow bi-plane that has years of stories and experiences to share with the world... including mine.

Me and my "man" crush on the Stearman! 

Mike let me wear Kendle's flight suit because it was a little chilly outside.  It was cloudy when we took off, a heavy marine layer was present giving the impression of a gloomy sky.

Before take-off! 

As the wheels left the ground we waved to Jon and I watched him grow smaller and smaller as we flew higher and higher.  Our first destination... above those gloomy clouds.

Good-bye Jon!  This is me in the front taking off with Mike! 

It was like we had entered a completely different world where the sky was the perfect shade of blue and the sun was shining brightly.  The top of the clouds were brilliant white and puffy and soft.  This is where Mike introduced me to some backflips and dives and loops and spirals and twirls and twists!

The feeling of the air flying through my hair, the sun on my face, the weightlessness of my body is indescribable.  The beauty I was witnessing combined with the feelings I was having was moving.  It moved me.  My soul felt excitement and peace all at the same time.  I felt grateful to know God and to know of his unconditional love for me.  I felt grateful for such a rare opportunity to be flying in such a beautiful machine with such a great person and friend.  My feelings manifested in smiles and tears.

I didn't think anything could compare to what I was experiencing in that moment.

And then we started towards our next destination... below those bright puffy clouds.

Look at me! I'm flying in a convertible yellow plane! 

I was sad to say good-bye to the bright side and enter back into the gloomy weather.  I was listening to Mike point out different places; the Long Beach Harbor, Angel's Gate Lighthouse, the Queen Mary and Russian Submarine, my favorite place was when he showed me where he grew up!  The tour was beautiful and then Mike told me we were going out to the ocean to get close.

Getting close to the ocean was an understatement.  We were practically gliding on top of the ocean. In fact, I think we were gliding on top of the ocean.  It is a hard feeling to capture in words but we were only feet above the ocean and I noticed felt the powerful ocean grab the plane and as the swells rose, so did the plane and as the swells dipped, so did the plane.

It felt like music would feel, everything was in motion together, the ocean supported and respected the sky and the sky supported and respected the ocean.  And there I was, right in the middle of the harmony between the ocean and the sky feeling supported and respected.

I didn't think anything could compare to what I was experiencing in that moment.

And then Mike asked me to look over the left wing and he asked me to let him know if I noticed anything.  I looked over the left wing and I was so amazed at how close we were to the ocean, it was like I was riding on a fast sailboat and then I noticed something... it was fast but it was something.  I started to doubt myself thinking I imagined it but as soon as that doubt set in I saw it again, and again, and again!  I didn't say a verbal word to Mike through the intercom but he must have heard my screams over the roar of the Stearman, he must have noticed the excitement in my body.  "What do you see TC?" I calmed down and spoke back to him "DOLPHINS! I see DOLPHINS!!"  They were jumping along side of us!

Mike pulled up and flipped around and lined us up perpendicular to the ocean.  With our left wing pointed directly over the ocean and our right wing towards the heavens I looked down and saw hundreds upon hundreds upon hundreds of dolphins.  The water was so clear I could see everything they were doing.  I just watched in awe as Mike spiraled around and around those dolphins so that I could take it all in.  The dolphins were hunting and they were fast!  They were leaping in and out of the water.  One dolphin was teasing another by poking it with his nose!  It seemed like the dolphin being teased was annoyed!  I watched as a spiraling dolphin went from his gray back to his white stomach to his gray back over and over again spiraling like a torpedo!  I was so close to them and I found so much joy in watching them.

The feeling of the air and the ocean and watching such beautiful creatures jump and spin and play, is indescribable.  The beauty I was witnessing combined with the feelings I was having was moving.  It moved me.  My soul felt excitement and peace all at the same time.  I felt grateful to know God and to know of his unconditional love for me.  I felt grateful for such a rare opportunity to be flying in such a beautiful machine with such a great person and friend.  My feelings manifested in laughter and tears.

I didn't think anything could compare to what I was experiencing in that moment.

I know it's cliche but it really was heavenly and very spiritual.  I felt close to God.  I felt peace.  I felt seen and heard and important.

I will never forget this experience and I will forever be grateful to Mike and Kendle for taking me up there as a friend and as a member of The Reno Family that I have become a part of.  They did this for me as a gift, for no real reason but just to take me up and let me experience what they get to be a part of.

I have more love in my life than I know what to do with.

Jon, Tice, Kendle and Mike having dinner after my flight.
I was still on cloud nine... clearly!  

And now for the advertisement... YOU HAVE TO DO THIS!  If you have the opportunity to do this don't pass it up! My dad went too but, like I said earlier, I was writing about ME!!! We bought my dad a ride on this beauty for Father's Day and he LOVED IT!! The company is called BiPlane Fun and the people are Kendle and Mike (they are married {cute} and both are amazing pilots).  So if you are ever in the Newport Beach, LA, Long Beach area, book a reservation and thank me later!!!

Look!  There's Mike!
http://www.biplanefun.com/index.cfm/Home/

Mother's Day

Today was great! 
I was spoiled! 

My favorite part was spending time painting my picnic table with my family. 

It was like I captured happiness in a single moment. 

Being a mom is hard and being a wife is harder. But there are moments where I feel so happy, and so content, and so peaceful and it makes all of the fear and anxiety and all of the doubt worth it. 

Happy Mother's Day.

No Room for Judgers

Advice to My Younger Self: TC 

I would rather unfriend you then keep you around if you are a judging person.

If you find yourself judging me or my family please leave.  I'm not being rude, I mean why wouldn't you want to be here anyway, right?

I love my family.
We are imperfect but we are awesome.

I am learning to love myself.
I am imperfect but I am stronger than I ever imagined I could be.

I love my husband.
He is imperfect but he is turning into the husband that I have always dreamed of having.

I have experienced a lot of pain and a lot of trauma in my marriage.
And it almost beat me... it almost beat us... and it still could, if we stop fighting for truth, for honesty, for each other.

I have experienced betrayal and hurt beyond my imagination.
And I have experienced the atonement in all of it's glory.

Don't judge our journey.
If you do, go away.  If you find yourself gossiping to another about my family then I don't want to be your friend, I'm desperate but not that desperate.

If you find yourself being able to relate to our story and our journey and you need support, I am here.
I am here.
We are here.
You are NOT alone.

http://addictionrecovery.lds.org/spouses-and-families/videos

Camping in the Backyard

So much to blog about so I'm going to play catch up in random order...

Here it is, our family's first official camp out, and where did we do it you ask? In the comfort of our back yard! We borrowed Uncle Ryan and Aunt Jen's tent set it up, made smores with great friends, played guitar around the camp fire, told scary stories and just in time Anabelle and I crawled in our comfy beds while the boys roughed it out in the backyard... by the way, I HATE camping so this may be the closest I get to the "real deal".

Here's a ton of pictures of our festive camping night!...

Is it bad that I'm really impressed that Jon put this thing up? Maybe I'm too easily impressed... maybe not?!

Anabelle HATED being in the tent, I think she's claustrophobic just like her mama!

Rockin' out with Brayden to Dixie Chicks music... it's all I know, I'm a slow teacher/learner!

We got the fire started... again, I'm impressed with my boy scout!!

Jack's marshmallows looked like this all night, he just didn't quite get it down... slow and steady Jack!

Fun with the Chapo Family... we LOVE hangin' with these guys!

This is how my boys camp... they have to wrestle for about 45 minutes, then scary stories, then...

SLEEP!!! Nite boys.

Bella and I were back for breakfast!!!

All in a days work! And yes, this was the day Jack got in the "accident"!!! Just think, we almost canceled because we were so angry!!!

Time to get Healthy

Hey everyone, I don't know if this is the appropriate way to do this, in fact I'm sure it's not but I didn't have enough time, this all happened so fast. Anyway, I'm going away for awhile. I have to take care of some things that I've been dealing with for WAY too long. I'm going to Remuda Ranch in Wickenburg, Arizona for treatment for an eating disorder. I'm going to work as hard as I can and I'm getting rid of this damn E.D. I just wanted to let you all know, I'd rather do it in person with all of you individually but time permitted. I've been spending every waking moment with my dear husband and kids and I'm pretty sure that in an hour, when I'm gone, I'll have a broken heart. I don't want to leave them but I need to. So I'll see you all in 2-3 months and when I get back I'm going to be healthy and strong and excited to start my new life. I love you all, and I really mean that, I love you all. Call in and check on my little family if you get the chance.

To all of you that have already stepped in, thank you so much, you have been overwhelmingly supportive and I can't thank you enough.

Jon, Brayden, Jack and Anabelle, I LOVE YOU SO MUCH. You will be my number one reasons to keep going when things get hard. Mommy loves you and will be thinking about you everyday.

Jack's First Day of Second Year Pre-school!

Jack's back in school!

Jack started his second year of preschool the day Brayden started Kindergarten. I feel bad but the emotion I had for Brayden over-shadowed any emotion I had for Jack leaving... but let me plead my case. Jack actually has the same schedule that he had last year, preschool 5 days a week for about 3 1/2 hours... so there is nothing to mourn right? He's doing great, loves his BUS... of course, and loves his teacher Mrs. Tanner (who happened to be Brayden's preschool teacher last year).

So far Jack's biggest adjustment to school doesn't have anything to do with him actually going to school... it's the mornings spent without Brayden that has thrown him for a loop. Jack is starting to find his own groove but for the first couple of days he was lost without his big brother! He didn't know what he wanted to play with, or who to play with... poor kid, he totally just goes along with whatever Brayden wants to do. The plus is that he's taken a liking to his little sister and actually is enjoying her instead of always ignoring her!

We love you Jack... you have 2 more years of preschool... I hope you don't get bored!

Jaxtin Jones Jolley

(yeah, I've already told you, it's his real name!)