Truth

Do you believe this? I do. I really TRULY  do. It's just... sometimes, I forget.

Sometimes I get caught up with the world and wrapped around things that really TRULY don't matter.

But really, who can blame me? The world is just that, it's THE LARGE ROUND GINORMOUS ALL CONSUMING WORLD! 

It is everywhere I am and everywhere I see.
It is all the sounds and textures and the sights and conversations.

It's the mundane routine of waking the kids up every Monday {Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday} to get them off to school on time. Where in-between waking them up and getting them to school looks {and feels} like a scene from an insane asylum! Starting with the tween begging for "five more minutes" and refusing to get moving. Negotiating with the 8 year old to eat before she gets dressed because yesterday she spilled her breakfast and had to change her clothes... twice! It's running around trying to find socks and shoes and homework even though {I swear} everything was all set out the night before so we could avoid the chaos {and yelling, and blaming, and fighting}. It's hearing the kids argue with one another and trying not to take it personal as the voices in my head tell me "if you were a better mother..."

The world is the frustration and worry that I feel when my car makes a weird sound and it is the panic I feel as I wonder what this could mean or how much it will cost. It's the dirty bathroom that painfully shouts words of inadequacy regarding my "homemaking" skills. It's the shame I feel as I drive past the gym that I haven't visited in weeks.

The world is the commercials on TV I see that define what "real" happiness is or what I need to do in order to be more valuable. The world makes it very clear that women must be thin and sexy and tan and, of course, stay young {because that's possible...wait}. While it reminds men that possessions and financial success is their ticket to respect and value and it will also guarantee them that wife that is thin and sexy and tan and never ages.

The world is the whispers of shame I feel when I spend time on social media reading meaningless articles and comparing myself to all the perfectly happy people and it's also the guilt I feel when I avoid social media and miss the message that my neighbor had to go to the hospital.

The world is overwhelming and it seems to always be telling me how I can be better. It seems to be shouting my inadequacies at me with the punch line of "but hey, don't give up hope, I can save you... {for 3 easy payments of $39.99 and your soul}.

The world is everywhere and really, there is no escaping it.
BUT just because I am  in the world doesn't mean I have to be of the world right?

You and I have to fight for truth. The truth sets us free. The world doesn't tell us the truth. We can't earn our value because WE ARE VALUABLE. We can't earn love because WE ARE LOVE.  You and I are already infinitely valuable and lovable.

BEST. NEWS. EVER. 

I was privilege enough to share this message with some amazing women and young women last night. When I see them staring back at me I see light and love and value. I am honored and humbled at the chance to help them remember the truth about their value.

But the biggest privilege of preparing to speak, the best part of my process is that I get to remember.

And remembering how valuable I am, remembering the truth, well... it's more beauty than this world can hold.

My Problem

We all have our own stories. Our own experiences. We all see the world from our individual view because of our unique experiences and personalities. No one sees everything exactly the same, not even identical twins. Even when we go through similar experiences our process is very different because of our past, our circumstances, our fears, and our examples.

Because of who I am, what I am made of, how my thought process works, how I feel empathy, guilt, and pain; because of how I am driven by my extreme desire to make everyone happy and the pressure I put on myself to be perfect; because of my genetic history and my natural environment and the way I judge myself and understand God; for all of these reasons and more I have an eating disorder.

It started when I was 10, before I even knew what an eating disorder was.
It's just what I did to cope without even knowing I was doing it to cope.
I didn't understand it.  I didn't know it was bad or wrong.
And I thought everyone interpreted the world the way I did so I didn't know I was unique in this.

However, the why and the how I developed an eating disorder aren't the purpose of this post.

I recently went to dinner with some friends. I didn't order food, just a drink. My friends know about my eating disorder and they are wonderful at respecting my struggle and letting me do what I need to do. However, as respectful as they are, they love and care about me the way I love and care about them, so they offered support while also expressing their concern for my recent struggles and setbacks. (oh did you not know I had recently been struggling and dealing with setbacks? I suppose you do now)

The dinner opened up my mind as questions were asked and answered and I realized not everyone thinks the way I do.  When they asked me how I felt about food, I found myself explaining my brokenness and as I expressed myself I heard words come out of my mouth that I hadn't really expressed before.

I feel compelled to share this here.  I want to share my frame of mind in hopes that there can be some light shed for those that try so hard to understand eating disorders as a way to support their loved ones that may struggle.
So, as best as I can, I will explain how I feel about food.  I repeat, this is how I feel. 

Food is bad.  Eating food feels wrong, like sinfully wrong.  I feel anxious and afraid and shameful when I eat.  When I am deep in my ED all food is off limits; a carrot is as poisonous as a candy bar.  When I eat something and it actually tastes good, if I actually enjoy it, I am bad and I feel very out of control.  

If I am weak and give into eating I must have a punishment or consequence.  Punishments have involve starving myself, purging, or spending endless hours at the gym to make up for my "weak moment".  (Another common form of punishment for people with ED's is cutting - luckily, I don't struggle with this.)

When I deeply struggle I am in conflict with myself.  
My soul, body, and brain seem to contradict each other.  

It's like my ED is screaming at me to not eat but my HEALTHY side knows that food is good and necessary and healthy.  So, I follow my HEALTHY side and eat but then I feel terribly guilty even though I KNOW it's good and necessary and healthy to eat. Or, I follow my ED and I don't eat but then feel terribly guilty because I KNOW I need to eat.  

Eating is the right thing to do but it feels like the wrong thing to do.
Not eating feels like the right things to do but it is the wrong thing to do. 

Can you see the confusion? 
Can you feel the pain?
Believe me, I see how messed up this is.  I know how backwards it is and I know what to say to make it all right but the truth is, these contradicting feelings are common among people who suffer with eating disorder.

My challenge is sync my soul, body and brain.
I need to KNOW the truth and I need to FEEL that truth.

Right now, I am struggling intensely.  I have somehow taken steps backwards.  I have fallen.  I have become complacent in my recovery.  I have made some unhealthy choices and had some relapses. 
I am so frustrated with myself for allowing me to get here.  I am so angry with myself.

HOWEVER... 

I refuse to give up. I refuse to give in. I refuse to back down. 

I REFUSE TO LOSE THIS WAR.

***Let me emphasize that these examples are present when I am really struggling, and I'm not always struggling at this level of intensity.  Also, if you have any questions don't be afraid to ask.***