My Problem

We all have our own stories. Our own experiences. We all see the world from our individual view because of our unique experiences and personalities. No one sees everything exactly the same, not even identical twins. Even when we go through similar experiences our process is very different because of our past, our circumstances, our fears, and our examples.

Because of who I am, what I am made of, how my thought process works, how I feel empathy, guilt, and pain; because of how I am driven by my extreme desire to make everyone happy and the pressure I put on myself to be perfect; because of my genetic history and my natural environment and the way I judge myself and understand God; for all of these reasons and more I have an eating disorder.

It started when I was 10, before I even knew what an eating disorder was.
It's just what I did to cope without even knowing I was doing it to cope.
I didn't understand it.  I didn't know it was bad or wrong.
And I thought everyone interpreted the world the way I did so I didn't know I was unique in this.

However, the why and the how I developed an eating disorder aren't the purpose of this post.

I recently went to dinner with some friends. I didn't order food, just a drink. My friends know about my eating disorder and they are wonderful at respecting my struggle and letting me do what I need to do. However, as respectful as they are, they love and care about me the way I love and care about them, so they offered support while also expressing their concern for my recent struggles and setbacks. (oh did you not know I had recently been struggling and dealing with setbacks? I suppose you do now)

The dinner opened up my mind as questions were asked and answered and I realized not everyone thinks the way I do.  When they asked me how I felt about food, I found myself explaining my brokenness and as I expressed myself I heard words come out of my mouth that I hadn't really expressed before.

I feel compelled to share this here.  I want to share my frame of mind in hopes that there can be some light shed for those that try so hard to understand eating disorders as a way to support their loved ones that may struggle.
So, as best as I can, I will explain how I feel about food.  I repeat, this is how I feel. 

Food is bad.  Eating food feels wrong, like sinfully wrong.  I feel anxious and afraid and shameful when I eat.  When I am deep in my ED all food is off limits; a carrot is as poisonous as a candy bar.  When I eat something and it actually tastes good, if I actually enjoy it, I am bad and I feel very out of control.  

If I am weak and give into eating I must have a punishment or consequence.  Punishments have involve starving myself, purging, or spending endless hours at the gym to make up for my "weak moment".  (Another common form of punishment for people with ED's is cutting - luckily, I don't struggle with this.)

When I deeply struggle I am in conflict with myself.  
My soul, body, and brain seem to contradict each other.  

It's like my ED is screaming at me to not eat but my HEALTHY side knows that food is good and necessary and healthy.  So, I follow my HEALTHY side and eat but then I feel terribly guilty even though I KNOW it's good and necessary and healthy to eat. Or, I follow my ED and I don't eat but then feel terribly guilty because I KNOW I need to eat.  

Eating is the right thing to do but it feels like the wrong thing to do.
Not eating feels like the right things to do but it is the wrong thing to do. 

Can you see the confusion? 
Can you feel the pain?
Believe me, I see how messed up this is.  I know how backwards it is and I know what to say to make it all right but the truth is, these contradicting feelings are common among people who suffer with eating disorder.

My challenge is sync my soul, body and brain.
I need to KNOW the truth and I need to FEEL that truth.

Right now, I am struggling intensely.  I have somehow taken steps backwards.  I have fallen.  I have become complacent in my recovery.  I have made some unhealthy choices and had some relapses. 
I am so frustrated with myself for allowing me to get here.  I am so angry with myself.

HOWEVER... 

I refuse to give up. I refuse to give in. I refuse to back down. 

I REFUSE TO LOSE THIS WAR.

***Let me emphasize that these examples are present when I am really struggling, and I'm not always struggling at this level of intensity.  Also, if you have any questions don't be afraid to ask.*** 

No Room for Judgers

Advice to My Younger Self: TC 

I would rather unfriend you then keep you around if you are a judging person.

If you find yourself judging me or my family please leave.  I'm not being rude, I mean why wouldn't you want to be here anyway, right?

I love my family.
We are imperfect but we are awesome.

I am learning to love myself.
I am imperfect but I am stronger than I ever imagined I could be.

I love my husband.
He is imperfect but he is turning into the husband that I have always dreamed of having.

I have experienced a lot of pain and a lot of trauma in my marriage.
And it almost beat me... it almost beat us... and it still could, if we stop fighting for truth, for honesty, for each other.

I have experienced betrayal and hurt beyond my imagination.
And I have experienced the atonement in all of it's glory.

Don't judge our journey.
If you do, go away.  If you find yourself gossiping to another about my family then I don't want to be your friend, I'm desperate but not that desperate.

If you find yourself being able to relate to our story and our journey and you need support, I am here.
I am here.
We are here.
You are NOT alone.

http://addictionrecovery.lds.org/spouses-and-families/videos

September 25, 2014 - Six Years

Releasing six balloons for me and 26 more for every letter of the alphabet - because I have met more than I can count who fight their eating disorder every single day.  We all have battles (not just ED) so keep fighting the good fight.  We are all in this together.  

Today (well it would have been today if I wrote this post when I planned on writing it... lets just pretend, to make it easier... for me!) - Ah-hem, as I was saying...

Today...
... I celebrate the last 6 years of FIGHT.
... I celebrate all the people I have met by sharing my story in February.
... I celebrate those that I have been blessed to watch make the impossible decision to seek help.
... I celebrate HOPE.
... I celebrate LIFE.
... I celebrate all those amazing young woman and their amazing mothers in the El Cerrito Ward (and the other wards that joined us that wonderful evening).
... I celebrate all my beautiful cousins, and my sisters, and my nieces and my sisters in-law.
... I celebrate humility.
... I celebrate agency and choice.
... I celebrate the beautiful young women of my ward - before we split and after.
... I celebrate those with courage who are just seeing their bravery for the first time.
... I celebrate God's Love.
... I celebrate family and friends and support beyond words.
... I celebrate my mom and dad and husband and kids.
... I celebrate the sister missionaries and the work I was blessed to do with them.
... I celebrate flaws and imperfections and REAL PEOPLE.
... I celebrate YOU.

I really do.
I celebrate you.
Because I love you.
And I think you are the most unique and lovely be-YOU-tiful there is.

So don't change.
And don't listen to the world because it will fill you with lies of things you "SHOULD" be.
Believe me, because I did.  I listened.  And I believed the lies.  And I was so hopeless.
So let's do each other a favor and let's not "should" all over ourselves... because I don't like messes!

So be YOU.  And be the best YOU.  And love yourself.  And feel God's love.

Thank you for celebrating with me and for loving me.
You are priceless.

My wonderful friends helped me celebrate my 6 year anniversary!
***I probably need to mention that these amazing women do NOT have eating disorders!!!***

Cravings

I went to The Reno Air Races for the fourth consecutive time this year.  I posted a link on Facebook about my experience in 2011 when I witnessed the P-51 Mustang "The Galloping Ghost" crash into the box area.  (If you are interested it is posted HERE)

To be honest, I haven't read that post since I wrote it back in 2011.  I felt obligated to go back and read through the because so many of you lovely people reached out to me, in some way, expressing love and support and concern.  ***I feel super blessed***

As I read through the post, I remembered some things that I had forgotten over the last 4 years.

It was good to remember.

It was good to feel so much love and support.

I ended the post rather abruptly didn't I?  I actually remember writing about this experience while I sat on my front porch... a little over 24 hours after the crash and I was safe and sound, back at my home with my family, as if I never left, as if it never happened.

But it did.

I've realized that blessing can come from the most tragic things.  It seems as though people who experience tragedy together form a very strong bond.  It's crazy how these people who I had just met the day of the accident are now a permanent part of my life.

I crave them sometimes.

I crave them when I get caught off-guard by a loud noise and those memories from the crash come flooding back.  I crave them when I hear the National Anthem.  I crave them when I hear a military jet fly over my home.

I crave them.

I am bonded to them.

I love them.

Reno Air Races 2011 & 2012

I have another group of the most amazingly strong people who I have also met because our lives share similar tragedies.  I haven't met many of these woman but I feel as though I could be my most vulnerable self around them, because they have been through something similar to what I have been through.  They can relate to my pain and my heartache and my confusion.  And I crave these beautiful strong warriors.

I crave them.

I am bonded to them.

I love them.

Isn't it interesting how we, as humans, form bonds?

Life is full of trials and heartache and tragedy... but these things give us an opportunity to become real.

And I crave real.

By the way, this is Ernie Sutter, the Ernie that melted my heart in my original post about Box A-49... he is still racing, and he's still awesome! 

Vulnerability is Real

Oh this post.
I've been putting it off.
Because it is scary for me and it makes me feel vulnerable.
But it is time.
And I absolutely owe it to my amazing friend and photographer Lauren Perry with Perrywinkle Photography and my favorite makeup artist of all time Heather Shelton with Red Scarlett Makeup Artistry.  (Heather is a redhead, we will forever be friends!)

Everyone deserves to feel beautiful right?  I recently just wrote about my thoughts on this.

Well, this photo-shoot was designed to maybe let me share with you, on a smaller scale, what it takes for our favorite actresses to look the way they look on the big screens, and maybe a little bit of what it takes for those models to look the way they do on the front cover of those magazines that line the checkout lanes of our grocery stores.

As I said, compared to what goes into models and movie stars, this is a very small scale.  I asked Lauren if she wouldn't use photoshop to change my body because of personal feelings but, if I wanted her to, she absolutely could have.  She would have had so much fun making my arms tighter, my hair bigger, my bum higher, stomach flatter, but she didn't (most of the magazines we see do have these alterations).  And although I didn't want anything photoshopped I did experience the enjoyment of getting my makeup professionally done, which was not only relaxing but it was a BLAST!!!  I think every woman should experience this!  It took about 90 minutes for me to go from no makeup to "Cover Girl" material. Raise your hand if you have 90 minutes a day to put your makeup on... anyone?  I did my hair myself, which took about an hour, at which point Heather assisted in fluffing it up and making it just right for the photo-shoot.  So, the total of makeup and hair 2 hours and 30 minutes...

Then, once makeup and hair was all ready I put on my dress, heals, jewelry, belt, etc... and then I removed my heals and carried them because, well how practical are they in the life of a mother of 3?! With my makeup done and my hair fluffed up it was time to say good-bye to Heather and head off to meet the amazing and professional photographer, Lauren Perry.

Thank goodness I had my amazing friend Kristi Chapo with me because I couldn't have carried all the extra items for the photo-shoot alone!  I also wouldn't have been able to get through the shoot without Kristi's kind and supportive although at times sarcastic words!  She helped me every step of the way.

Finally we arrived at the beautiful location that Lauren had picked out for the occasion, my heals went back on and it was time to do something that I have never EVER done before... have my pictures professionally taken!

Luckily, for me, working with Lauren was a riot!  Lauren and I have a commonality between us so we were able to laugh a lot and talk a lot of crap to each other.  Lauren played softball at BYU and I played at the U of U so, as you can imagine, whenever she asked me to do something I found difficult (like being serious for some photos) Lauren would say something like, "yeah, that seems like the best a Ute can do."  At which point I would yell at her and beg her for a second chance telling her "I can do it you Cougar, let me do it again!"

Somehow I survived.  And let me tell you, I was nervous.  Lauren was so patient with me as I tried a dozen times the month before to cancel the photo-shoot out of fear and insecurity.  She talked me through it and told me it would be great... and she was right.

The pictures turned out... well, I don't know, you can fill in the correct word.

Trying to be serious almost KILLED me! 

Smiles and a lot of laughing in attempt to be serious!

My point is, this is a process, an all day long process.  From picking out the clothes and the location, to getting my makeup done and hair perfected.  And working with a professional photographer who knows how to work angles and light in just the exact way that makes me look my very best.  This isn't natural, this isn't even real.  Sure it's me and I had such an amazing time doing this, but the real me doesn't belong on the cover of a magazine, and to be honest, with what the world defines as "cover worthy", no one belongs on the cover of those magazines, because what the world tells us is acceptable and beautiful and normal... simply isn't.

Trying to use my beautiful skirt as a prop... this was harder than it looks!!!

For the first 30 minutes a creepy man watched the shoot from a distance! Lauren thought this was great and even waved at him... I got my taser out! 

Lauren asked me to spin once (like literally spin around) and after I did it she said "yeah, don't ever do that again!" Guess I NAILED IT!

The world lies to us.
The world tells us our value and worthiness are all about our size and physical beauty.
We know better.  Thank goodness we know better.

I loved this day WAY more than I ever thought I would.
But this isn't me, not natural me.
This is fun, happy, spoiled, serious (or attempting to be serious),done-up me, and I like this person.

But I like the real me more.

I don't know if you know this about me, but I very much like "real" in my life.

A special thanks again to:
Lauren Perry
Heather Shelton
Kristi Chapo
Milli Charles, Sadie Ekins, Sid & Tammy Jones, Jon Jolley & all the Jolley children, and my Grandma Gladys (who had to hear me moan and complain about how scared I was for weeks and weeks and weeks!)

Thank You for Making it Easy to Be… Me!

I just want to say THANK YOU!  I received an enormous amount of support after posting "So… I worry".  I was sent supporting private messages, I received lots of love through FaceBook, I got teary reading through some personal experiences on my email, I enjoyed the comments I read on this blog, etc...  I just want to say that I am learning that it's not always the easiest thing in the world to "be real" but sometimes if one person dares to take a chance, they realize that others are just dying to open up about worries and fear and hardships.

Here's where the THANK YOU comes in.  I dare to be real because I have loving people in my life that support me and appreciate me… shit and all.  Yeah, I said shit… I say it in my real life sometimes too… and you STILL love me (see what I did there?)!!!

I tend to be attracted to people who are real.  People who don't pretend to be something that they aren't. People who are willing to share their flaws because they openly share their hope and their strive to work on those flaws.  I don't want to be around perfect people, mostly because perfect people don't exist, they are just pretending.  The only perfect person was the Savior, and I'm absolutely sure I would enjoy being around him.  He would love me even if I swore.  He DOES love me and I DO swear!

{{Speaking of swearing, my dad once told me that swearing will be the last "thing" (meaning sin) that he will give up.  He tells me if he were to stop swearing now he would be exalted (meaning elevated into heaven for reaching perfection).  He tells me that whenever he feels his feet leaving the ground he quickly throws out a swear word… because he knows we can't live without him… his words not mine!}}

My dad showing his real colors… he's pretty cool! 

So back to what I was saying. 

What was I saying again?

I don't remember.  Oh wait, I just wanted to say THANK YOU.  I wanted to remind you that if you ever need anything, I am here -- to listen, to talk, to shop, to eat, to cry and I promise I won't judge (I can't, I'm not as close to perfection as my dad is so…) I don't judge but I promise I'm safe, and I promise… 

I am here.  

Because you have been here for me.  

{{And, with all this said, I will tell you, I still have things that I am not ready to throw out there, on this public blog, with my real name and the name of my family members… so I may be a hypocrite, but maybe one day I'll get there, and maybe not… because some things are personal, and some things are not mine to share.}} 

time will tell

Am I back? I guess time will tell. I've felt this burning desire to get back to writing. Not just any writing, I suppose, more "real" writing. I find that I love reading blogs that revolve around people's realities. I guess my self esteem gets a bit beat up after reading one to many blogs about people who never seem to struggle... eventually I feel like something is wrong with me because I do struggle... so, I'm just going to write. Write whatever I want to write. Write whatever I feel. Write things that don't sound "politically correct". Write incorrectly without stopping to fix my puntuation or make my pictures line up or make things pretty. That part of blogging is probably what made me stop. I couldn't keep up. But now (and I know how this is going to sound) that I am getting older, kinda growing out of the "twenty phase", I'm realizing more about me and more about how things work, or don't work, and I guess "keeping up" has become somewhat insignificant to me.

First things first, I have to decide who, if anyone, I'm going to share this blog with. I mean, sharing a blog is a big deal to me. Other then the fun posts about family vacations and the cute things my kids do on a daily basis, this is a journal. And it's my journal. And it's not really up for debate because it's me and how I feel. Watching someone learn and grow can sometimes be an ugly thing to watch, I have learned that. I just have to keep reminding myself that even though I'm getting old, this is the first time in my life that I have been in the situation that I find myself in today, and tomorrow and next week... so it's okay to do it wrong, as long as I keep trying. And that's the plan, to keep trying.

The Beginning

I am overwhelmed with emotion right now. “I’m back”… “we’re back” and as I reflect on what I want the nature of my blog to be… what I hope to express or even to teach… I’m confused.

Do I want it to focus on:

-- the positive
-- the things I’m grateful for
-- my beautiful children and their lives and events
-- our trials and tribulations
-- my trials and tribulations
-- vacations
-- recovery
-- pain
-- disappointment
-- laughter

Do I want to:

-- be real
-- trust my readers
-- risk being judged
-- risk being fake

Maybe all of those things, maybe a balance. I’m not sure. I’m just not sure yet.

In the meantime, I’ve been reading your blogs. It is so fun to feel like I’ve participated (on some level) in your personal lives. I’ve seen pictures of new babies, Halloween costumes, soccer games, vacations, temple visits, weddings, funerals and much more. Blogging is such a great way for me to feel connected to so many friends and family that I’ve somehow, through time (and not enough time), lost contact with. As I “catch up” on the things that you have been up to, I feel such a sense of gratitude. You, my friends and family, are very special to me. I’m talking about ALL of you. In someway or another you have affected me and my life and my own personal journey… and if I had to place a bet, I would say that the affects were pretty positive and inspiring (or else you wouldn’t be reading this!!). So all of you that read jolleygoodday and jolldygooddaytoo thanks… more to come… pictures, announcements, experiences, quotes… and some crazy twist and turns… because I wouldn’t be ME without a little

CRAZY-RED-HEADED-NESS!

xoxo

***Sorry to those of you on jolleygooddaytoo, I haven't updated the sidebar with blog addresses or added the posts from our original blog... coming soon... maybe***

Brayden's First Day of School

Okay... not so much! I'm totally busting myself but this really isn't Brayden's first day of school. His first day of school was right after we had just got back to Arizona with Anabelle. His first day of school we had no laundry done so I'm sure he wore something dirty. His first day of school his hair was so long I'm surprised they didn't think he was a girl named Brayden! His first day of school we picked up McDonald's on the way to drop him off and ate in the car because we didn't have any groceries. His first day of school he didn't have all his information in so the teacher called me and told me I needed to get it in or he wouldn't be able to come back tomorrow. Needless to say, I didn't really want to take pictures of Brayden's "real" first day of school... so here is my make-believe (to make myself feel better as a mom) first day of school! Brayden, we are so proud of you, you are getting so big!!!! Good luck!
New Shoes! (He wore old one's on his first "real day"!)


Oatmeal for breakfast! Look how healthy we are (no McDonalds here!)