A Reunion I Never Want to Forget

Today (Sunday journal entry) was the first time in 45 days that I saw Brayden and Jack. It was such a joyful moment and I don't ever want to forget the way it made me feel.

Jon was dropping off my cell phone at Remuda life and he was suppose to be there before I got there so I wasn't going to be able to see him, but when I got to Remuda Life they told me that he called and left a message saying that something came up and he won't be able to drop my phone off until later. I was nervous because I wasn't sure if I wanted to see him or not, it's so hard to say good-bye. Then it dawned on me, he would probably have the boys with him (Anabelle is in Utah with my mom). My stomach dropped because I wasn't sure if I was ready to see the boys. I wasn't scheduled to see them until November 15th so this was a big surprise. I thought about it for awhile and decided that I really wanted and needed to see them. It's been so long. I've been able to talk to them on the phone but it's not the same as holding them in my arms. So I called Jon and told him to call me at my house when he arrived at the main office so I could see him and the boys.

He actually didn't even need to call because I was sitting at my window watching and waiting as nervous as ever. Once he pulled up I started walking toward the van, I was holding a bunch of clothes that I needed Jon to take home with him, so my arms were full. Jon noticed me walking towards the van and waved... my heart sank. I really wanted him to take me home, I wanted to be done with Remuda and with this program. I felt ready. Just as I was thinking about how much I wanted to go home, the sliding door opened up and out ran a little boy. Brayden was running toward me as fast as his little legs would carry him and he was screaming "mommy, mommy, mommy!". I dropped whatever it was that I was holding and just started sprinting towards him. My heart was filled with so much joy the second he jumped into my arms. He just smiled and laughed and I just smiled and cried. I missed him so much. I love him so much.

We talked and played for awhile and then I asked him where Jack was, he informed me that Jack had fallen asleep on the drive over. I asked him if he would go wake him up for me so off he went as I reunited with my husband for a moment. I picked up my clothes and started walking to the van when I saw Jack. Jack looked ticked off! He wasn't very happy that Brayden had woken him up, but then his eyes met mine and he just started giggling. I ran toward him and embraced him too. Seriously, I can't describe how I felt, the only word that will do it justice is joy, I felt absolute joy. I was back with my boys. We played and talked for awhile until it was dinner time and I had to leave. Jack kept patting the passenger seat saying "mommy, come with us", "mommy, get in your seat and come with us"... it broke my heart. I explained to my boys that I was so much healthier then I was the last time they saw me but that I needed a little bit more time to get "all the way healthy". I hugged and kissed and kissed and hugged them and they watched them drive away. It's not fair. The pain was physically there. I know I'm where I should be but sometimes that doesn't make it any easier.

I am getting a lot healthier and feeling a lot better physically. I'm working hard in this program and am expected to be done on December 9th... 30 days longer than I anticipated.

I get to see my boys again tomorrow, and maybe even Anabelle tomorrow night when my mom gets in town. I miss my little girl more than anything. I can't wait to see how big she has gotten. I'm sad to have missed the last couple of months in her growth but this is what needed to happen, or so I keep telling myself. I'm sad. I miss my family. I miss my friends. I miss my life. But when I think about it, I wasn't really living life, I was entrenched in my eating disorder and a zombie in my own body. I'm getting better. I'm learning. My family is so special to me and I thank all of you that have helped and prayed for us. It means the world. I can never thank you enough.

Love you all... TC

Remuda Life

Hey everyone!

I just wanted to leave you a quick update on how I'm doing. I am done with my 45 days at Remuda Ranch in Wickenburg, Arizona and it was really good and really helpful. I learned a lot and worked really hard to get healthy both physically and mentally. Now I'm in Chandler, Arizona at Remuda Life. Remuda Life is a housing environment and there is a lot more freedom then there was at Remuda Ranch. At the Ranch I was monitored all the time, after meals, before meals, during meals, in between meals, etc... it was crazy but really necessary too. Now I don't have any monitoring, I just eat with my roommates. We take turns cooking which I haven't started yet because I'm still new but I'll start next week. Also, I'm 10 minutes away from my home and starting Sunday, I get to start going home every once in awhile... I'm so excited.

I got to see Brayden and Jack on Sunday for the first time in 45 days, it was such a joyful reunion. I was filled with so much love and satisfaction and gratitude. They looked great and seemed to be doing wonderfully so if you are one of the many people that have helped my family I want to thank you from the bottom of my heart.

I feel so unworthy with all the love and support I have received. There wasn't a day that went by that I didn't receive mail, packages or cards. I felt, and still feel, very loved. I have the greatest ward, neighbors, friends, and family in the entire world. I can NEVER thank you all enough for what you have done for me and what you have shown me. The service alone is indescribable. Just know that I love you and that I will never be the same because of you.

I love the Lord. I have grown so close to him and I realize that I will never be able to recover unless I lean on him... a lot. He loves us all, just as we are, at this moment. His love is unconditional and goes with us even when we sin.

I'm excited because on Sunday I get to go to church with Jon and the kids, I've really missed my ward and my church. So unless something changes, I'll see some of you on Sunday!

Again, thanks for all your support, it's unbelievable. May God bless all of you, and I know he will :-)

Love you all,

TC