For Her

Anabelle Jane October 2014 - 50's Day at School

Some weeks are hard.

Some weeks are harder than the hard weeks.
Some weeks are so hard that I am not sure I will survive.
Some weeks are so hard that I am not sure I WANT to survive.

This week I found out that my daughter is autistic.
I'm not completely shocked.
I am completely terrified.

Sometimes life doesn't make sense.
Sometimes I don't have the right words to say what I need to say...

So I sing...
For Her

I love you Bella

Vulnerability is Real

Oh this post.
I've been putting it off.
Because it is scary for me and it makes me feel vulnerable.
But it is time.
And I absolutely owe it to my amazing friend and photographer Lauren Perry with Perrywinkle Photography and my favorite makeup artist of all time Heather Shelton with Red Scarlett Makeup Artistry.  (Heather is a redhead, we will forever be friends!)

Everyone deserves to feel beautiful right?  I recently just wrote about my thoughts on this.

Well, this photo-shoot was designed to maybe let me share with you, on a smaller scale, what it takes for our favorite actresses to look the way they look on the big screens, and maybe a little bit of what it takes for those models to look the way they do on the front cover of those magazines that line the checkout lanes of our grocery stores.

As I said, compared to what goes into models and movie stars, this is a very small scale.  I asked Lauren if she wouldn't use photoshop to change my body because of personal feelings but, if I wanted her to, she absolutely could have.  She would have had so much fun making my arms tighter, my hair bigger, my bum higher, stomach flatter, but she didn't (most of the magazines we see do have these alterations).  And although I didn't want anything photoshopped I did experience the enjoyment of getting my makeup professionally done, which was not only relaxing but it was a BLAST!!!  I think every woman should experience this!  It took about 90 minutes for me to go from no makeup to "Cover Girl" material. Raise your hand if you have 90 minutes a day to put your makeup on... anyone?  I did my hair myself, which took about an hour, at which point Heather assisted in fluffing it up and making it just right for the photo-shoot.  So, the total of makeup and hair 2 hours and 30 minutes...

Then, once makeup and hair was all ready I put on my dress, heals, jewelry, belt, etc... and then I removed my heals and carried them because, well how practical are they in the life of a mother of 3?! With my makeup done and my hair fluffed up it was time to say good-bye to Heather and head off to meet the amazing and professional photographer, Lauren Perry.

Thank goodness I had my amazing friend Kristi Chapo with me because I couldn't have carried all the extra items for the photo-shoot alone!  I also wouldn't have been able to get through the shoot without Kristi's kind and supportive although at times sarcastic words!  She helped me every step of the way.

Finally we arrived at the beautiful location that Lauren had picked out for the occasion, my heals went back on and it was time to do something that I have never EVER done before... have my pictures professionally taken!

Luckily, for me, working with Lauren was a riot!  Lauren and I have a commonality between us so we were able to laugh a lot and talk a lot of crap to each other.  Lauren played softball at BYU and I played at the U of U so, as you can imagine, whenever she asked me to do something I found difficult (like being serious for some photos) Lauren would say something like, "yeah, that seems like the best a Ute can do."  At which point I would yell at her and beg her for a second chance telling her "I can do it you Cougar, let me do it again!"

Somehow I survived.  And let me tell you, I was nervous.  Lauren was so patient with me as I tried a dozen times the month before to cancel the photo-shoot out of fear and insecurity.  She talked me through it and told me it would be great... and she was right.

The pictures turned out... well, I don't know, you can fill in the correct word.

Trying to be serious almost KILLED me! 

Smiles and a lot of laughing in attempt to be serious!

My point is, this is a process, an all day long process.  From picking out the clothes and the location, to getting my makeup done and hair perfected.  And working with a professional photographer who knows how to work angles and light in just the exact way that makes me look my very best.  This isn't natural, this isn't even real.  Sure it's me and I had such an amazing time doing this, but the real me doesn't belong on the cover of a magazine, and to be honest, with what the world defines as "cover worthy", no one belongs on the cover of those magazines, because what the world tells us is acceptable and beautiful and normal... simply isn't.

Trying to use my beautiful skirt as a prop... this was harder than it looks!!!

For the first 30 minutes a creepy man watched the shoot from a distance! Lauren thought this was great and even waved at him... I got my taser out! 

Lauren asked me to spin once (like literally spin around) and after I did it she said "yeah, don't ever do that again!" Guess I NAILED IT!

The world lies to us.
The world tells us our value and worthiness are all about our size and physical beauty.
We know better.  Thank goodness we know better.

I loved this day WAY more than I ever thought I would.
But this isn't me, not natural me.
This is fun, happy, spoiled, serious (or attempting to be serious),done-up me, and I like this person.

But I like the real me more.

I don't know if you know this about me, but I very much like "real" in my life.

A special thanks again to:
Lauren Perry
Heather Shelton
Kristi Chapo
Milli Charles, Sadie Ekins, Sid & Tammy Jones, Jon Jolley & all the Jolley children, and my Grandma Gladys (who had to hear me moan and complain about how scared I was for weeks and weeks and weeks!)

So, I worry.

I’m worried about Jack.  Is this something that people blog about?  I often feel as though I’m breaking the “secret unspoken blog code” when I post more about my fears and concerns and worries and more about my REAL life than I do about vacations and accomplishments and amazing FHE lessons that seem to go off without a single hitch, but I’m not good at obeying that code… my life isn’t like that… is yours?  Really? 

Anyway, back to breaking the code.

I am truly worried about Jack.  I mean, as his mom I am blessed to see all the wonderful attributes and talents that this boy possesses.  I see his innocence, his heart, his love, his intentions, his goodness… but, I’m his mom, so it’s really easy for me.

I volunteered in Jack’s 3^rd grade class for his “Holiday” class party and witnessed some, well I witnessed some things that left me a little discouraged for my Jack.  And, as any mother, as any parent or grandparent can relate to… my heart hurt for my little man.

Jack has some speech “issues”.  They don’t seem too drastic but this year he actually qualified for speech therapy through his school.  I was happy about this.  We were taking him to speech therapy on our own and it’s a bit PRICY, so this was good news. 

On Friday, the day of the party, I noticed just how much of a communication issue Jack has with his peers.  I watched as he talked to other kids that weren’t really listening to him tell a story, they weren’t mean or disrespectful, they just kind of looked right past Jack.  Luckily for me, Jack didn’t even seem to notice.  He just kept telling his story as though he were the center of attention.  But, my fear kicked in and my logics kicked in and I realized that it won’t be long until he notices what I noticed.  I saw, for the first time, that Jack just didn’t have a speech issue, but he actually has a hard time communicating.  He has a hard time expressing himself and is often misunderstood.  He wanted to play “heads-up seven-up” during the party and specifically asked me if I could make sure he was picked to be in front of the class because (as he explained) he isn’t picked much when the class has played this game in the past.  Oh come on, put my heart back in my chest people. 

This has been a hard realization for me.  Ugh, having kids is so hard.  I am having a hard time not feeling sorry for myself.  I’m having a hard time not calling all the parents to those who have kids that associate with Jack and begging them to tell their 8 and 9 year olds to have extra patience with Jack as he’s trying to share an idea or offer up suggestions or just engage in whatever conversation is taking place (yeah, I realize that my request is unrealistic when it involves 8 and 9 year olds but so what!). 

I want to scream to everyone that I have to constantly worry about Bella because of the struggles she was just born with.  I have no extra worry left in me for Brayden and Jack… they just need to have things be easy for them… for the sake of me!   But this just isn’t working out. 

Brayden Blaine.  My “perfect pleasing” 10 year old.  Brayden is great socially.  He gets what it takes to make and keep friends.  He is likable and funny BUT Brayden is a perfectionist.  I have to constantly remind him that it is okay to not be perfect.  I was a little lot like this when I was a kid so I have a pretty good idea of the destructive thinking patterns of a perfectionist.  I want to scream from the top of the mountains that it’s okay for this little man to have flaws and faults and to just TRY his best, even if that isn’t perfection... because it won’t be.  This kid is so hard on himself and he is full of worry and anxiety.  He has even been officially diagnosed with an “anxiety disorder”.  Seriously? 

So, I worry.

Jack Jolley.  My  “kind hearted socially unaware” 9 year old.  Jack is smart.  Jack does his homework with so much ease.  It’s natural.  Jack also has one of the biggest hearts, he is real and loyal and just wants to fit in BUT he doesn’t fit in.  And I don’t get it.  I want to tell everyone what they are missing out on by not “letting him in”… (LET HIM IN people… didn’t any of you see “The Forgotten Carol”?) LET HIM IN.  I feel like being able to fit in socially is maybe more important than being smart or creative or even physically capable.  And I’m noticing that Jack is socially awkward and this terrifies me.  Is he going to end up addicted to drugs or alcohol or other substances due to his eagerness and strive to “fit in”?  Seriously, does anyone want to set up a play date with Jack?  Please say YES.  Please call me or text me or email me or leave a comment… PLEASE.  I’m scared.

So, I worry.

Anabelle Jane.  My “physically behind, behaviorally behind, forgiving loving” 6 year old.  Bella is so witty and so funny and so smart and so sweet BUT Bella has some difficult health issues.  Bella was diagnosed with cerebral palsy when she was 2 ½ or maybe 3 years old.  The CP has created some physical complications for Bella but I watch in amazement as her “limp” or her “tilted foot” seems to hardly be noticeable these days.  However, Bella is behind.  Bella struggles with homework, she struggles with understanding cause and effect or consequences.  I think I tell myself that she is still young and that I don’t need to worry too much right now but I’m not very good at fooling myself.  Bella has such a hard time LISTENING and OBEYING some most instructions.  We are in the process of figuring out if/which medications will help her but it’s so hard and slow and scary. 

So, I worry. 

Okay, so I was just going to lightly suggest that I may be a little worried about Jack in this post but it looks like this has turned into some deep confession I have for all my children.  And, whoever said writing things out makes one feel better was a LIAR because writing all this out has my stomach in knots… so what is it that I was searching for by posting this?  Good question, I have no idea.

THE END

Overcoming Reno by Brayden Jolley

Overcoming Reno

by: Brayden Jolley

So, I accidentally erased this original post… then I swore… now I'm just rewriting Brayden's homework that he wrote at school last week.  I'm so mad I erased this… doesn't blogger have a backup for people who don't know what they are doing like me???

"As Brayden's mom came back from Reno where the terrible plane crash happened.  Brayden and his brother Jack ran over and kept asking her if she was ok.  "Our you alright?  Did the plane hit you?  Are you scared, mad or sad?"  "Yes, I'm okay, just sad."  Suddenly the fear of Brayden began.

Every year Brayden begged his mom not to go.  "Please don't go! It might happen again and this time you might die."  "No I won't."  "Okay, just watch out."  As she left Brayden wondered if she would come back.

The next three years Brayden has been scared about his mom leaving but she never got hurt.  So Brayden began to think that nothing would happen to her so he never got scared about her leaving to Reno."

To sum it up… again, this makes me sad.  And confused.  But, I don't doubt that I am doing the right thing by going year after year and facing something that can be so scary for me… and, making my kids face something that can be so scary for them too.

Brayden has one big heart.  Always has.  Hope he keeps it his whole life.

(Oh, and Mandy, I won't post those scary pictures, just for you!)

Anabelle's MRI

Anabelle had her MRI today and we survived... by we, I mean me! Bella did great and I actually was pretty relaxed most of the time. Thank you to all who fasted and prayed in behalf of Anabelle and our family, we could really feel those prayers today. I can't thank you enough for the kind text, emails, notes, messages, flowers, temple visits, thoughts and words. Things like this save people in their times of trials. I feel like our family has been through a lot this last year but with the help of all our wonderful family and friends we will get through all this "stuff".

We are off to California tomorrow morning and can't wait to spend the week with my parents on the beach and at Disney Land. It will be nice to relax and just forget for awhile.

The results of the MRI will come next week so we'll know better what's going on with our little Angel girl.

Hard week...

This week has been a difficult week for our family.

My husband brought me flowers to make me stronger.

They cheer me up.

Please send prayers our way...

My mom told me that "prayer changes things".

I'm on hold with the hospital to schedule an MRI for Anabelle.

This is hard.

Caught in our Routine

This morning we had our regular routine.

Jack and Brayden wake up.

Eat.

Get Dressed.

Brush their teeth.

Practice Brayden's sight words.

Brayden catches his ride to school.

Then, like the little angel she is, Anabelle wakes up.

She always seems to wait until the chaos stops before she makes her morning peeps.

It's almost as if she knows how stressful and crazy the first hour in the morning is for me so she waits, she waits until her mommy is ready for her.

This morning I went in her room to find this...

Poor little thing pulled her shirt over her head and got stuck. I laughed, grabbed the camera and had to take some pictures, by the last picture she didn't think it was flattering anymore and started to whine... so, after a couple more shots, I stopped!

This little girl is something else. Everyday she learns something new and so do I. She is the sweetest little girl I've ever met and such a good baby.

I took her to her 18 month check-up last week (yes, I was 2 months late) and she is measuring right around the 3 percentile for height and weight. She's my little LITTLE girl!

I am worried about her though, as most mothers can relate, to the fact that she's 20 months and not walking or talking yet. Her pediatrician said that there's PROBABLY nothing to worry about but she just wants to make sure we cross all bridges necessary so she wants me to take Anabelle to a neurologist.

I'm nervous.

I made the appointment and they are 4 weeks booked out so I have to wait for 4 weeks. I'm sure everything is fine but I'm worried. I hate thinking that my little girl may have challenges that I never had.

Physical.

Mental.

Social.

When Anabelle was born she didn't pass her newborn screening or her 2 week screening. She had a protein deficiency and we had to give her daily supplements for awhile.

I hated that.

She hated that.

And for the longest time Anabelle wouldn't eat anything. We had to do test to make sure her esophagus was wide enough. The test showed that it was. She has a shallow gag reflex and so she didn't like to eat.

Luckily, she has grown out of that and now really likes food...

and toys...

and any little thing she can find on the ground!

Because of these problems she qualified through the state for physical therapy, speech therapy (with an emphasis in eating), and occupational therapy. Her therapists say she is doing great. She's improving every week at every session.

These comments make me less nervous.

Also, Anabelle is all over the place and into everything. She has a personality and makes my heart melt, as well as her daddy's and her grandparents.

She signs to Jon and I. She tells us when she's hungry, wants milk, and all done, it's the CUTEST thing I've ever seen.

I'm hopeful that everything will be okay, what ever that means I'm not sure, and if it's not, it won't change the way we feel about our little girl. We'll do whatever we have to to help her but one thing she'll never have to doubt is that

She is LoVeD

I love you baby girl.

A Reunion I Never Want to Forget

Today (Sunday journal entry) was the first time in 45 days that I saw Brayden and Jack. It was such a joyful moment and I don't ever want to forget the way it made me feel.

Jon was dropping off my cell phone at Remuda life and he was suppose to be there before I got there so I wasn't going to be able to see him, but when I got to Remuda Life they told me that he called and left a message saying that something came up and he won't be able to drop my phone off until later. I was nervous because I wasn't sure if I wanted to see him or not, it's so hard to say good-bye. Then it dawned on me, he would probably have the boys with him (Anabelle is in Utah with my mom). My stomach dropped because I wasn't sure if I was ready to see the boys. I wasn't scheduled to see them until November 15th so this was a big surprise. I thought about it for awhile and decided that I really wanted and needed to see them. It's been so long. I've been able to talk to them on the phone but it's not the same as holding them in my arms. So I called Jon and told him to call me at my house when he arrived at the main office so I could see him and the boys.

He actually didn't even need to call because I was sitting at my window watching and waiting as nervous as ever. Once he pulled up I started walking toward the van, I was holding a bunch of clothes that I needed Jon to take home with him, so my arms were full. Jon noticed me walking towards the van and waved... my heart sank. I really wanted him to take me home, I wanted to be done with Remuda and with this program. I felt ready. Just as I was thinking about how much I wanted to go home, the sliding door opened up and out ran a little boy. Brayden was running toward me as fast as his little legs would carry him and he was screaming "mommy, mommy, mommy!". I dropped whatever it was that I was holding and just started sprinting towards him. My heart was filled with so much joy the second he jumped into my arms. He just smiled and laughed and I just smiled and cried. I missed him so much. I love him so much.

We talked and played for awhile and then I asked him where Jack was, he informed me that Jack had fallen asleep on the drive over. I asked him if he would go wake him up for me so off he went as I reunited with my husband for a moment. I picked up my clothes and started walking to the van when I saw Jack. Jack looked ticked off! He wasn't very happy that Brayden had woken him up, but then his eyes met mine and he just started giggling. I ran toward him and embraced him too. Seriously, I can't describe how I felt, the only word that will do it justice is joy, I felt absolute joy. I was back with my boys. We played and talked for awhile until it was dinner time and I had to leave. Jack kept patting the passenger seat saying "mommy, come with us", "mommy, get in your seat and come with us"... it broke my heart. I explained to my boys that I was so much healthier then I was the last time they saw me but that I needed a little bit more time to get "all the way healthy". I hugged and kissed and kissed and hugged them and they watched them drive away. It's not fair. The pain was physically there. I know I'm where I should be but sometimes that doesn't make it any easier.

I am getting a lot healthier and feeling a lot better physically. I'm working hard in this program and am expected to be done on December 9th... 30 days longer than I anticipated.

I get to see my boys again tomorrow, and maybe even Anabelle tomorrow night when my mom gets in town. I miss my little girl more than anything. I can't wait to see how big she has gotten. I'm sad to have missed the last couple of months in her growth but this is what needed to happen, or so I keep telling myself. I'm sad. I miss my family. I miss my friends. I miss my life. But when I think about it, I wasn't really living life, I was entrenched in my eating disorder and a zombie in my own body. I'm getting better. I'm learning. My family is so special to me and I thank all of you that have helped and prayed for us. It means the world. I can never thank you enough.

Love you all... TC

Time to get Healthy

Hey everyone, I don't know if this is the appropriate way to do this, in fact I'm sure it's not but I didn't have enough time, this all happened so fast. Anyway, I'm going away for awhile. I have to take care of some things that I've been dealing with for WAY too long. I'm going to Remuda Ranch in Wickenburg, Arizona for treatment for an eating disorder. I'm going to work as hard as I can and I'm getting rid of this damn E.D. I just wanted to let you all know, I'd rather do it in person with all of you individually but time permitted. I've been spending every waking moment with my dear husband and kids and I'm pretty sure that in an hour, when I'm gone, I'll have a broken heart. I don't want to leave them but I need to. So I'll see you all in 2-3 months and when I get back I'm going to be healthy and strong and excited to start my new life. I love you all, and I really mean that, I love you all. Call in and check on my little family if you get the chance.

To all of you that have already stepped in, thank you so much, you have been overwhelmingly supportive and I can't thank you enough.

Jon, Brayden, Jack and Anabelle, I LOVE YOU SO MUCH. You will be my number one reasons to keep going when things get hard. Mommy loves you and will be thinking about you everyday.