His Love

Everybody deserves to feel beautiful.
Everyone deserves to feel loved.

In my life I have experienced the impossibility of feeling beautiful WITHOUT the knowledge that I am loved.

Yes, at times I am more comfortable with my physical self (if we are labeling it that) and at times I can get by (for a day or two) feeling like beauty alone will sustain me and make me feel special.  Until it fails me and I am left alone feeling anything BUT beautiful.  Anything BUT worthy.

And then, one day, I started thinking.

**If you know me, you know that my mind rarely stops.  By nature I am a deep thinker, thinking more than I should at times.  Thinking in deep circles to the point where, when I arrive at some sort of conclusion I ask another question which forces my mind back into my deep thought process.  I rarely find a resolve to all the questions and feelings I have had throughout my life, so when I do reach a conclusion, it is something I will never deny.**  

So, I started thinking.

I went through my life and pinpointed the times when I felt beautiful.  And the funny thing is, I can't recall the weight I was at those precise times, I can't recall what size of jeans I was wearing, I can't recall if I had clear skin or shiny hair or white teeth, but there is one thing I can recall.  (Are you sitting at the edge of your seats dying to know what the common item was that accompanied me during the times in my life when I felt the most beautiful?)

It is LOVE.

The times when I felt the most beautiful in my life, the times when I felt the most worthy of good things, the times when I felt the most peace and happiness were the times when I felt LOVED.

Now, when this love was given by others it didn't last, after all, we are human beings and incapable of expressing love to one another all the time.  But lets just say that you are a super human and can express love all the time to others, as humans we don't always allow ourselves to feel the love that surrounds us.  So I am not talking about the love that comes and goes, although that love feels good when it is present, but rather, I am talking about the love from Our Father.

Nothing compares.

(And yes, I did just go all spiritual on you... I apologize!) 

I remember talking to an amazing group of Young Woman and their mothers at a fireside in CORONA, California (yeah, shout out to all my Corona friends in the El Cerrito ward).  I remember this particular fireside was the only one I did with my own mom.  My mom and I went back and forth talking about the different stages of eating disorders and "what I wished I would have known" when I was their ages (from 12 to 18 years old).  And it came down to one very simple valuable piece of information that I wished I would have known more than anything else in the entire world... this feeling would have changed my life.

I wish I would have known how perfectly my Father in Heaven loves me.

And this isn't just something I could hear at a church meeting or amongst family or friends and just know that it's true, this is something that, in order for it to be true, I had to feel.

So I wish I would have felt how perfectly my Father in Heaven loves me.

It is never too late.  Although I never asked Our Father back then if he loved me, I have since had that conversation with Him and it has been the foundation of my recovery in the last *almost* six years.  I have learned that the only way for me to feel beautiful, like every single one of us deserves, is to let myself feel the pure love that my Heavenly Father has for me.

I use to hate the phrase "all you need is love" because I don't believe that is all you need to have a successful relationship or a successful life.  But when I think of my loving Father, then that statement is truer than true.

All I can do is hope that you find the statement "All you need is His love" as true as I have.

What are you waiting for?  Go ask and he will show you just how valuable you are.

Paradigm Shift

It is not my job to understand you.
It is my job to love you.
-Tice

The following is from Stephen Covey's book, The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People

"I remember a mini-Paradigm Shift I experienced one Sunday morning on a subway in New York. People were sitting quietly -- some reading newspapers, some lost in thought, some resting with their eyes closed. It was a calm, peaceful scene. Then suddenly, a man and his children entered the subway car. The children were so loud and rambunctious that instantly the whole climate changed.

"The man sat down next to me and closed his eyes, apparently oblivious to the situation. The children were yelling back and forth, throwing things, even grabbing people's papers. It was very disturbing. And yet, the man sitting next to me did nothing.

"It was difficult not to feel irritated. I could not believe that he could be so insensitive to let his children run wild like that and do nothing about it, taking no responsibility at all. It was easy to see that everyone else on the subway felt irritated, too. So finally, with what I felt was unusual patience and restraint, I turned to him and said, "Sir, your children are really disturbing a lot of people. I wonder if you couldn't control them a little more?"

"The man lifted his gaze as if to come to a consciousness of the situation for the first time and said softly, 'Oh, you're right. I guess I should do something about it. We just came from the hospital where their mother died about an hour ago. I don't know what to think, and I guess they don't know how to handle it either.'

"Can you imagine what I felt at that moment? My paradigm shifted. Suddenly I saw things differently, I felt differently, I behaved differently. My irritation vanished. I didn't have to worry about controlling my attitude or my behavior; my heart was filled with the man's pain. Feelings of sympathy and compassion flowed freely. "Your wife just died? Oh, I'm so sorry. Can you tell me about it? What can I do to help?" 

Everything changed in an instant.

             

My Purple Week 2014

Over the last few weeks I find myself in a strange place.  

I shared my eating disorder story.  I liked sharing my story.  It felt scary and vulnerable and intimidating but it also felt honest and freeing and it felt... right.  

Even more then sharing my story and crossing my fingers in hopes that some forced family members and a few friends would read it, I went a little further and asked begged these people to wear PURPLE in honor of eating disorder awareness week.  And, even more than sharing my story and asking begging those few readers to wear PURPLE I went a little further and got all crazy bold (and maybe a little cocky) and asked begged those family members and friends to wear PURPLE AND actually send me a photo of themselves sporting their PURPLE… what nerve!

After sending off my story and my request I sat back and realized that what I just did was risky.  I was setting myself up for possible disappointment.  I was setting myself up for hurt and pain after offering up something so vulnerable and sensitive and personal.  What if NO ONE participates?  What if people are put off?  Ugh!  My stomach tightened in knots anticipating the embarrassment.  

So friends, here is where I find myself in a strange place.  I am OVERWHELMED.  Simply and humbly and emotionally overwhelmed.  The love and support that I have felt these last couple of weeks has been indescribable.  And because it is indescribable I won't try to describe it to you.  I have started and stopped this post over and over again in a weak attempt to capture the right words and I just can't come up with anything worthy of how full my heart feels.  

Rather than stumbling over my words, which I do all to often, I will just share this beautiful video of so many beautiful people.  

It's pretty incredible.

You are pretty incredible.

My Purple Week 2014… Click  HERE
And try HERE if you are using a mobile device or a iPad! 

***If you are still reading and wanna do me a favor, try to leave a comment.  My parents and some friends mentioned that they were unable to… but they aren't the most tech savvy!***  

My Name is TC and I have an Eating Disorder

I remember texting my friend from the hospital  “do you think you can come pick me up?”  My husband, Jon, knew where I was, he was the one who took me to the ER earlier that day, but I didn’t want him to have to come get me, I was too ashamed.  On the short car ride home I don’t remember talking to my friend, maybe I did, but by that point my brain felt like it had been contaminated by thick fog, my body felt weak and sloppy.  I do remember one thought I had… 

HOW DID I GET HERE?

And then a second immediate thought…

I’m fine.  This isn’t that big of a deal.   

I’ve learned that this is a pretty typical thought or justification for and addict or for anyone who has lost complete control of his or her life… which is what had happened to me. 

My name is TC and I have an eating disorder.

I was nervous to walk in my front door.  I was full of shame and guilt.  My family didn’t deserve this.  My 3 beautiful children, my loving husband, they didn’t deserve the pain I was causing them by my choices.  I was scared to face them.  

When I finally walked in the front door I was surprised by who was there to greet me… my husband and… my parents.  

At this moment it occurred to me that THIS is serious.  

My parents should  have been lying under the beautifully warm sun on the radiant beach in San Diego, not at my home in Arizona.  They had been planning and looking forward to this California vacation for a while, but as soon as they arrived they were interrupted by a phone call from Jon… “TC is in the ER… I’m really worried”.  My parents were aware that I had been struggling with eating so when they heard from Jon they immediately jumped in their rental car and, from California, headed straight to Arizona.

The next day was a mixture of agony and relief.  This was inevitable.  I needed help.  I was sick.  I was slowly dying and I needed to be saved.  The people that were in my life that loved me knew this.  They understood that I could not pull myself through this place that I had put myself in.  Inpatient treatment was immediately decided.

Less than 2 days after my parents arrived in Arizona they were leaving again.  Only, this time they were leaving with something that belonged to me.  They were taking a priceless treasure of mine. 

They were leaving with my 13 month-old daughter. 

A few months before leaving for inpatient treatment

My parents were going to care for Bella while I was away, in treatment.  It was the best thing for our family but no matter how I tried to rationalize this, it didn’t comfort me as I watched my loving parents drive away with my beautiful baby girl.  

I was devastated.  Everything felt like it was in slow motion.  I was heartbroken.  I judged myself harshly.  I hated myself.  Why couldn’t I just eat?  I loved my family, I wanted to be with them and all I had to do was start eating… but I couldn’t.  When did this thing get bigger than me?  When did I lose control of my very own life? 

My name is TC and I had to leave my family to save myself.

The next day I said heartfelt goodbyes to my boys, Brayden (5) and Jack (3).  What could I say to them?  How could I explain the situation to them?  I didn’t know how long I would be away.  I didn’t know when I would see them again.  So I just held them as long and as tight as I could.  

I was terrified as Jon and I arrived at Remuda Ranch in Wickenburg, Arizona.  It was time to say goodbye to my husband.  I begged him to take me back home… I told him I would eat, I promised him that I could fix this on my own, but he knew better.  Words never really escaped my mouth as I was overcome with emotion watching him walk away, leaving me all by myself.  

Going to Remuda Ranch was necessary but it was HARD.  I had to do hard things.  I had to eat.  For 2 weeks I ate nothing but liquids (the “soft” diet”) for breakfast, lunch and dinner and my body hated me for it.  My body struggled remembering how to digest and absorb food.  I was in physical pain and emotional turmoil.  

I had to weigh in every morning wearing nothing but a hospital gown.  I had to eat everything off my plate or be supplemented in calories by drinking Ensures.  If I walked too fast or walked too much (in an attempt to burn calories) I had to drink MORE Ensure.  I was threatened with the option of putting a feeding tube through my nose.  I was told some harsh truths and I had to own up to some very painful realities.  I had to learn to live in the uncomfortable and deal with hard things in healthy ways.  

Top: My husband, Jon, and I during "Family Week"
Bottom: A few of the women I grew really close to while at Remuda Ranch

I was gone for 75 days.  

I missed Halloween.  I missed Jack’s 4^th birthday.  I called him on his birthday and had all the girls from my house sing “happy birthday”.  When they were done I heard Jack laugh on the other end of the phone call, then he said, “Mom, it’s my birthday, why aren’t you here?”  Right then I hung up the phone, I had to.  I couldn’t even find my voice as my regret and emotion took over once again.  

My name is TC and I believe lies.

Eating disorders are no joke.  They are all different and they are all uniquely complex.  I spent a lot of time listening and learning about how so many dynamic, smart, happy, lovely, fun, beautiful women ended up with eating disorders that were drastically affecting their lives.  In my experience, the universal problem was that we all trusted lies.  Every single one of us, on some level, believed lies.

The lies I trusted had a lot to do with being worthy.  I absolutely believed that I was unworthy… of everything.  I was unworthy of God, of love, my family, my friends, my children, my marriage… everything!  I believed that I could and would never be worthy, that nothing and no one could possibly EVER love me, simply because I was unlovable, I was unworthy of love.  And I believed this with all of my heart.  To me, this was reality.  

My name is TC and I am learning to believe truth.

I have been home from Remuda Ranch for over 5 years now and I still have to proactively put forth effort to stay healthy.  I constantly have to catch my first thought (which is usually a lie), challenge it, and change it (to a truth).  I have to have a plan in place for the times when I start feeling the pull to engage in eating disorder behaviors.  Some days, weeks, months seem to come and go with little effort but some days, weeks, months come and I feel as though I am back on the front lines fighting for my life.  The difference in my fight now, is that I finally believe that I am valuable and that I am worthy!  I am not only valuable and worthy enough to fight these battles, but I am actually worthy enough to win them! 

5 years to the day I went to Remuda Ranch. We celebrated by letting 5 balloons go.

I believe that eating disorders are REAL.  MY eating disorder is real.  Eating disorders have the highest mortality rate of any other mental illness.  I believe that eating disorders are serious.  I can finally acknowledge that MY eating disorder is serious. 

I believe that starving myself or binging after eating was my desperate attempt at controlling my life.  It was my lame attempt at making myself feel worthy.  It was a lousy coping mechanism and a very false form of self-soothing.  

I believe that all the pains and fears and insecurities that I hide myself from by turning to my eating disorder will ALWAYS inevitably and eventually catch up to me.  I have learned that the best way to move through my painful mess is by simply (or not so simply) sitting in it and feeling it and validating it.  Pushing it away by running to an addiction or a false form of self-soothing is only delaying and magnifying what will eventually come.  

My name is TC and I have learned some very hard things.

I have learned that my eating disorder will never go away, much like an addiction it will always be “there” inside of me.  I will always have to be proactive to keep myself in a healthy place, even after all these years I have to consciously “fight” against my eating disorder and the lies it wants me to believe.  

I have learned that if I work, if I use the things I have been taught and the tools I have been given, then my eating disorder will only take up a tiny little space somewhere in the back of my brain, rather than consume it like it has in the past.

I have learned was that I CAN’T trust my eyes to tell me the truth about myself.  This lesson wasn’t one I easily accepted and for the longest time I couldn’t understand this concept.  I was told that my very own eyes were incapable of accurately seeing my reflection in a mirror.  How could I agree that my very eyes that lovingly watch as my children play, my very own eyes that can recognize when someone needs a friend, the same eyes that can recognize God’s love by watching a colorful sunset in the Arizona desert… those eyes that see so many realities are capable of seeing accurately ACCEPT when I am looking at MYSELF?  The tests I took while working at Remuda Ranch proved that I saw myself, my very own eyes saw my reflection, as 52 pounds distorted.  This news was so unbelievably painful and confusing to me, and in some ways it still is, but I am learning to trust and accept (with great sadness) that my eyes possibly don’t “see” me.

I have learned to be patient with myself.  I have messed up… and I have messed up big time and I have messed up a lot.  But I have realized that, for me, recovery isn’t pretty and it isn’t clean and it isn’t a one-time fix.  I have learned that my recovery is very ugly and very messy and I have learned that I will fail sometimes.  But I have also learned how to see the bigger picture.  I have learned how to hold on to hope and how to give myself grace while I heal.

I haven’t quite learned how to entirely love the physical part of my body, but I haven’t given up on the possibility.  However, I have been able to learn to love my body for all the things it can do for me.  I have learned to appreciate what my healthy body is capable of and I have learned to be grateful for it.

My eating disorder will probably be a part of me for the rest of my life but I believe that the harder I fight the easier my battle will be.  I have hope that I can heal.  I have hope that the people who love me truly love me for who I am, not what I am.  And I have hope that one day I will sincerely and completely love and embrace my whole body with all my wonderful flaws.  

My name is TC and I have hope that I can and will love myself completely. 

Thanks to my friend Jacy who asked me to sit down and write this out.  Her blog is so beautifully full of hope and healing.  The stories that are shared on 'My Name is Jacy' are from real people who are going through life just like you and I.  Go there.  Go there.  You NEED to GO to her blog to read more wonderful stories.  Visit here or here http://www.mynameisjacy.com -

For more information about Eating Disorders, check out the national website at: 

http://www.nationaleatingdisorders.org

"I Had No Idea…"

If you know who I am then you already know that this week is 'Eating Disorder Awareness Week' and that Wednesday is 'Wear Purple Wednesday'.  The theme for the 2014 EDAW is "I had no idea…" I have shared this information probably too much so sorry for the overload (can there ever really be too much good stuff?)!

I hate that I can relate to all this stuff.  I hate that I know the feelings of pain, confusion, hurt, heartache, insecurity, sadness, fear, anxiety, hopelessness, unworthiness, and all the other feelings that are tied up in an eating disorder.  I hate that I can relate.  Even more than that, I hate that my family can relate to the helplessness of loving someone with an eating disorder.

It's really hard for me to go to this place sometimes.  This place, this reality can sometimes come attached to shame.

I won't let myself go to shame…  I can't.
So, I find a way to acknowledge what is real and let it buoy me up.

I also won't let myself ignore the reality of what my family has gone through… I can't.
So, I have found a way to get the hell out of that acknowlegement when it starts dragging me down.

There is a very fine line between the two, but I'm a fighter, I want this "weak" thing to become my "strength"… so, here I go.  Or here I TRY to go…

If you are struggling with an eating disorder I really want you to know that…

YOU ARE NOT ALONE

I am here and I know hundreds of others that are here for you too.  I realize that every eating disorder is different.  And although I have never walked in your exact shoes, I promise that our pain feels the same, even though it probably comes from different places, it FEELS the same, and I can relate.  Let me be here for you, or let someone be there for you.  You don't have to be alone.  Email me (leticejolley@gmail.com), call me, text me… whatever, just don't do this alone.

If you are somebody who loves someone with an eating disorder I want you to know that,

YOU ARE NOT ALONE either

I am here for you too.  If you want to be more aware or are looking for information click here.  If you have any questions or concerns I AM HERE.  I know what is feels like to be at the mercy of someone else's bad choices.  I promise, if I don't know how to help you or if I don't know the answers to your questions, I will tell you, and then I will help you find what you are searching for.  Either way, I will be here to support you.

In the meantime, how about ALL of you wear PURPLE this Wednesday.  Support those you love who struggle and WEAR PURPLE.  Show those you love that you are working on recovery and WEAR PURPLE.  Have hope and WEAR PURPLE.  I have lost one too many friends and known one to many wonderful woman who have lost their lives to this disease.  It is real.  You are not alone.

Did you know that eating disorders are more common than green eyes?
Did you know that eating disorders are the most fatal of ALL mental health issues?

I will be wearing purple all week.  Check out some of my most amazing supporters.

Jon Jolley (the hubs)

Jack Jolley (the middle child)

Brayden Jolley (the oldest)

Anabelle Jolley (the baby)

I'm pretty lucky.

Stay tuned, tomorrow "my story" will be published on an amazing blog that offers hope and healing.  I will keep you posted. 

A Reunion I Never Want to Forget

Today (Sunday journal entry) was the first time in 45 days that I saw Brayden and Jack. It was such a joyful moment and I don't ever want to forget the way it made me feel.

Jon was dropping off my cell phone at Remuda life and he was suppose to be there before I got there so I wasn't going to be able to see him, but when I got to Remuda Life they told me that he called and left a message saying that something came up and he won't be able to drop my phone off until later. I was nervous because I wasn't sure if I wanted to see him or not, it's so hard to say good-bye. Then it dawned on me, he would probably have the boys with him (Anabelle is in Utah with my mom). My stomach dropped because I wasn't sure if I was ready to see the boys. I wasn't scheduled to see them until November 15th so this was a big surprise. I thought about it for awhile and decided that I really wanted and needed to see them. It's been so long. I've been able to talk to them on the phone but it's not the same as holding them in my arms. So I called Jon and told him to call me at my house when he arrived at the main office so I could see him and the boys.

He actually didn't even need to call because I was sitting at my window watching and waiting as nervous as ever. Once he pulled up I started walking toward the van, I was holding a bunch of clothes that I needed Jon to take home with him, so my arms were full. Jon noticed me walking towards the van and waved... my heart sank. I really wanted him to take me home, I wanted to be done with Remuda and with this program. I felt ready. Just as I was thinking about how much I wanted to go home, the sliding door opened up and out ran a little boy. Brayden was running toward me as fast as his little legs would carry him and he was screaming "mommy, mommy, mommy!". I dropped whatever it was that I was holding and just started sprinting towards him. My heart was filled with so much joy the second he jumped into my arms. He just smiled and laughed and I just smiled and cried. I missed him so much. I love him so much.

We talked and played for awhile and then I asked him where Jack was, he informed me that Jack had fallen asleep on the drive over. I asked him if he would go wake him up for me so off he went as I reunited with my husband for a moment. I picked up my clothes and started walking to the van when I saw Jack. Jack looked ticked off! He wasn't very happy that Brayden had woken him up, but then his eyes met mine and he just started giggling. I ran toward him and embraced him too. Seriously, I can't describe how I felt, the only word that will do it justice is joy, I felt absolute joy. I was back with my boys. We played and talked for awhile until it was dinner time and I had to leave. Jack kept patting the passenger seat saying "mommy, come with us", "mommy, get in your seat and come with us"... it broke my heart. I explained to my boys that I was so much healthier then I was the last time they saw me but that I needed a little bit more time to get "all the way healthy". I hugged and kissed and kissed and hugged them and they watched them drive away. It's not fair. The pain was physically there. I know I'm where I should be but sometimes that doesn't make it any easier.

I am getting a lot healthier and feeling a lot better physically. I'm working hard in this program and am expected to be done on December 9th... 30 days longer than I anticipated.

I get to see my boys again tomorrow, and maybe even Anabelle tomorrow night when my mom gets in town. I miss my little girl more than anything. I can't wait to see how big she has gotten. I'm sad to have missed the last couple of months in her growth but this is what needed to happen, or so I keep telling myself. I'm sad. I miss my family. I miss my friends. I miss my life. But when I think about it, I wasn't really living life, I was entrenched in my eating disorder and a zombie in my own body. I'm getting better. I'm learning. My family is so special to me and I thank all of you that have helped and prayed for us. It means the world. I can never thank you enough.

Love you all... TC

Time to get Healthy

Hey everyone, I don't know if this is the appropriate way to do this, in fact I'm sure it's not but I didn't have enough time, this all happened so fast. Anyway, I'm going away for awhile. I have to take care of some things that I've been dealing with for WAY too long. I'm going to Remuda Ranch in Wickenburg, Arizona for treatment for an eating disorder. I'm going to work as hard as I can and I'm getting rid of this damn E.D. I just wanted to let you all know, I'd rather do it in person with all of you individually but time permitted. I've been spending every waking moment with my dear husband and kids and I'm pretty sure that in an hour, when I'm gone, I'll have a broken heart. I don't want to leave them but I need to. So I'll see you all in 2-3 months and when I get back I'm going to be healthy and strong and excited to start my new life. I love you all, and I really mean that, I love you all. Call in and check on my little family if you get the chance.

To all of you that have already stepped in, thank you so much, you have been overwhelmingly supportive and I can't thank you enough.

Jon, Brayden, Jack and Anabelle, I LOVE YOU SO MUCH. You will be my number one reasons to keep going when things get hard. Mommy loves you and will be thinking about you everyday.