I'm an Expert!

In my life I have become an expert in a few things.

I'm not bragging. 

I'm not even sure most of this is brag-worthy. 

Here are some of the things I would consider myself somewhat of a "hands-on" expert at:

1. Softball - I can barely touch my toes and my arm gets sore after about 3 long throws but I am confident in my ability to teach this sport. I know this sport. I played this sport and I had the best coaches in the world {minus a few douche bags...can I say douche bag on my own blog?} who taught me the "why's" behind this game.
2. Eating Disorders - I am an expert when it comes to the pain and the ugliness that comes from hating ones body. Body image and body dysmorphia can be debilitating and paralyzing. It was impossible for me to live any sort of productive life when I was choosing my eating disorder over recovery. I am an expert on what life looks like being stuck in this place. 
3. Recovery - the fight! I am an expert because I know what it takes to choose recovery everyday. It isn't easy and I don't win everyday but I know what it takes to keep fighting for happiness and recovery. 
4. Trauma and PTSD - I have lived through some major trauma.You can read about my experience at the Reno Air Races here and here. When I experienced this tragedy my life changed, in one moment I was changed. I see the world differently. I see mortality differently. I became an expert in understanding something deeper than I can even express here. Because of this experience I can empathize deeper, love harder, and feel more. 
5. Betrayal Trauma - {like I said, not the most brag-worthy thing} I have been careful about how I share my story of betrayal trauma and for the most part it has been very vague. People know that Jon and I have gone through some "rough patches" {to say the least} but with very limited details. I have shared a bit here and I have worked with the church on several projects, one being this video with the hope that my story will maybe, just maybe, help someone else out there. I understand this. I know this. Betrayal trauma is a part of my life and I understand it because I've had to go through it. I know what it is like to live and love someone with an addiction. I understand. I'm here. No judgement. 
6. Laughing - I'm an expert in laughing and finding ways to laugh at life. Laughter and laughing has saved me. I love to laugh and I'm pretty good at doing the crazy things it takes to create laughter, I mean... 

So, here's the thing, sometimes crazy people ask me to speak at events and firesides and at conferences on these topics {well not softball or laughing but they should}! I have been focusing on my family so I have only done a handful of these this year BUT I'm feeling like I am ready to put myself out there again. The best thing about this is JON CAN DO FIRESIDES WITH ME!!! We have done three together in the last month and IT IS AWESOME! We mostly focus on betrayal trauma, body image, addiction, and recovery so if you are looking for someone {or a couple} to speak and educate others on anything listed above, let me know! 

We may be your cup of tea. {if your tea tastes more like hot chocolate!}

And on the topic on addiction and betrayal, check out THIS BOOK! >>>>>

I'm more than half way through and I think EVERYONE should read it! You can get it here, here, and here... and if you are interested in these brilliant authors educating and teaching you and your peeps, they are scheduling firesides now! You can contact them here! 

SaveSave

My First Podcast!

My good friend from high school, Mike Hardle (with Riven), recently reached out to me. He asked me if I would feel comfortable doing a Podcast on my eating disorder. I was excited for the opportunity and since I have become somewhat of a {cough} public speaker on the topic, I wasn't nervous when I agreed to do it.

That was until I realized that podcasts are live.

And permanent.

And forever.

And LIVE! 

And that is when I got nervous! 

I still haven't watched the podcast but I am sharing it here. I feel passionate about reaching those out there that are struggling and who feel so very alone. When I felt all alone in this battle (as well as alone with my husbands addiction) I became hopeless and overwhelmed with sadness. My goal, my passion, is to reach those of you who feel alone and help you realize that YOU ARE NOT ALONE. 

We are all in this together. 

I am at a place in my recovery where I can share my story and my experiences and Jon is at a place in his recovery where he can share his story and his experiences. We may not be in this place a year from now or a week from now {heaven knows we weren't able to share for the first SEVEN YEARS} but while we are in this place we will share, we will put ourselves out there in hopes to help someone, anyone, even one single person. 

After all, I started healing when someone very dear to me put her story out there for me to find. And for the first time in a long time, I didn't feel alone. 

RIVEN LIVE #024 - "Life With An Eating Disorder" ft. Tc Jolley
RIVEN LIVE #024 - "Life with an eating disorder."WE TALK TO TC JOLLEY ABOUT HER LIFELONG STRUGGLE WITH AN EATING DISORDERWE TALK ABOUT BODY DYSMORPHIA WE TALK ABOUT LEARNING TO LOVE YOURSELFWE TALK ABOUT WARNING SIGNS OF AN EATING DISORDER AND HOW TO GET HELP
Posted by Rivengear on Tuesday, March 22, 2016

Something's are worth mentioning: 

• On the periscope app people were asking questions through the whole podcast interview but I was unable to get to those questions and I have no way of going back to read them. If you have a question or comment or if there was a topic we didn't cover that you want to know more about, please let me know. I don't have all the answers but I have a lot of very smart friends who DO have all the answers! 
• I finally got around to the PUBLIC Warriors rEDeemED page. Feel free to check it out. I have no idea what I'm doing! 
• If you want to join the PRIVATE Warriors rEDeemED group let me know. I can add you through Facebook so message me. This is a group where women with eating disorders (anorexia, bulimia, compulsive overeating, BED, EDNOS, OSFED, etc...) come for support and love. You can only join if you fit into these categories in order to keep the group safe. Also, we abide by the same confidentiality and anonymity that any 12-step group provides. 
• If you think this is helpful please share it. It's not about me, it's about helping others. 
• Online eating disorder screening here. 
• Family, friends & loved ones here. 

RIVEN is a cool company. It stands for RESPECT - INTEGRITY - VICTORY - EFFORT - NEVER GIVE UP. What are YOU fighting for? They also sale awesome swat at Rivengear. Mike, these pants are my new favorite things in the world. I think I need more so I can wear them every single day! 

Expressed in a Dance

I have never seen an episode of "Dancing with the Stars" - I'm not familiar with the show and I'm not very familiar with dance... in general.

After watching this video today, I realize that dance {like music} speaks in a universal language.

This spoke to me today.

This is so accurate.
This is too familiar.
This is intensely beautiful.

It was easy for me to relate to the storyline {Alexa having an eating disorder} but it seems as though everyone, in some way, can see this in their lives.

Eating disorders {get vulnerable} My eating disorder emerges its ugly head in my life
EVERY
SINGLE
DAY

I hate it.  I hate it so much.  I hate everything about it.  I want to wrap my hands around its neck and strangle the life out of it.

I remember a time when it had its hands wrapped around my neck and almost strangled the life out of me.

I wish I could permanently get rid of it but it doesn't work like that.  Something like an eating disorder and/or an addiction never just "goes away".  But there are things to do to get to a place in life where the fight is easier.

Choosing recovery is the first step.  But choosing once didn't make it go away.  I have to choose recovery
EVERY
SINGLE
DAY

Sometimes it's easy, lately it has been hard.  And it makes me so mad and so sad and so scared.

I believe in miracles, I believe if God wanted my eating disorder to just disappear it would. But what my experience has shown me is that although God can remove my pain, my heartache, my eating disorder, He see's the biggest picture.  Most of the time that big picture consists of me us having to suffer with Him by our side.

I don't know about you but my greatest growth has {unfortunately} come from my pain.  It has stretched me as a person.  I have seen how strong I am and how weak I can be.  It pushes me.  Even when I don't think I have the energy to be pushed.

I will never be grateful for my trials {I hate when people say they are} but I am very grateful for what I have learned and who I have become through my trials.

With that said... I wish my eating disorder would just  GO AWAY!
But it won't.  Like Alexa, I will have to free myself.

EVERY

SINGLE

DAY!

{I see you up there seeing me!}

Recovery Life

I'm feeling melancholy. 

Driving with the family to Newport thinking about how a year ago, while we were here, I was getting ready to present at my first fireside about body image! It feels like a lifetime ago!

It is amazing how sharing my story has changed my life! Just this week I sat with a stranger waiting for a call from Remuda. The call came while I was visiting with her. That was on Wednesday afternoon and she went in on Thursday morning.

It's amazing how "helping" others actually helps me... A MILLION TIMES MORE.

It's such a tool in my recovery. I feel so lucky. I didn't do anything special. But I sure get treated like I did!