My Problem

We all have our own stories. Our own experiences. We all see the world from our individual view because of our unique experiences and personalities. No one sees everything exactly the same, not even identical twins. Even when we go through similar experiences our process is very different because of our past, our circumstances, our fears, and our examples.

Because of who I am, what I am made of, how my thought process works, how I feel empathy, guilt, and pain; because of how I am driven by my extreme desire to make everyone happy and the pressure I put on myself to be perfect; because of my genetic history and my natural environment and the way I judge myself and understand God; for all of these reasons and more I have an eating disorder.

It started when I was 10, before I even knew what an eating disorder was.
It's just what I did to cope without even knowing I was doing it to cope.
I didn't understand it.  I didn't know it was bad or wrong.
And I thought everyone interpreted the world the way I did so I didn't know I was unique in this.

However, the why and the how I developed an eating disorder aren't the purpose of this post.

I recently went to dinner with some friends. I didn't order food, just a drink. My friends know about my eating disorder and they are wonderful at respecting my struggle and letting me do what I need to do. However, as respectful as they are, they love and care about me the way I love and care about them, so they offered support while also expressing their concern for my recent struggles and setbacks. (oh did you not know I had recently been struggling and dealing with setbacks? I suppose you do now)

The dinner opened up my mind as questions were asked and answered and I realized not everyone thinks the way I do.  When they asked me how I felt about food, I found myself explaining my brokenness and as I expressed myself I heard words come out of my mouth that I hadn't really expressed before.

I feel compelled to share this here.  I want to share my frame of mind in hopes that there can be some light shed for those that try so hard to understand eating disorders as a way to support their loved ones that may struggle.
So, as best as I can, I will explain how I feel about food.  I repeat, this is how I feel. 

Food is bad.  Eating food feels wrong, like sinfully wrong.  I feel anxious and afraid and shameful when I eat.  When I am deep in my ED all food is off limits; a carrot is as poisonous as a candy bar.  When I eat something and it actually tastes good, if I actually enjoy it, I am bad and I feel very out of control.  

If I am weak and give into eating I must have a punishment or consequence.  Punishments have involve starving myself, purging, or spending endless hours at the gym to make up for my "weak moment".  (Another common form of punishment for people with ED's is cutting - luckily, I don't struggle with this.)

When I deeply struggle I am in conflict with myself.  
My soul, body, and brain seem to contradict each other.  

It's like my ED is screaming at me to not eat but my HEALTHY side knows that food is good and necessary and healthy.  So, I follow my HEALTHY side and eat but then I feel terribly guilty even though I KNOW it's good and necessary and healthy to eat. Or, I follow my ED and I don't eat but then feel terribly guilty because I KNOW I need to eat.  

Eating is the right thing to do but it feels like the wrong thing to do.
Not eating feels like the right things to do but it is the wrong thing to do. 

Can you see the confusion? 
Can you feel the pain?
Believe me, I see how messed up this is.  I know how backwards it is and I know what to say to make it all right but the truth is, these contradicting feelings are common among people who suffer with eating disorder.

My challenge is sync my soul, body and brain.
I need to KNOW the truth and I need to FEEL that truth.

Right now, I am struggling intensely.  I have somehow taken steps backwards.  I have fallen.  I have become complacent in my recovery.  I have made some unhealthy choices and had some relapses. 
I am so frustrated with myself for allowing me to get here.  I am so angry with myself.

HOWEVER... 

I refuse to give up. I refuse to give in. I refuse to back down. 

I REFUSE TO LOSE THIS WAR.

***Let me emphasize that these examples are present when I am really struggling, and I'm not always struggling at this level of intensity.  Also, if you have any questions don't be afraid to ask.*** 

Expressed in a Dance

I have never seen an episode of "Dancing with the Stars" - I'm not familiar with the show and I'm not very familiar with dance... in general.

After watching this video today, I realize that dance {like music} speaks in a universal language.

This spoke to me today.

This is so accurate.
This is too familiar.
This is intensely beautiful.

It was easy for me to relate to the storyline {Alexa having an eating disorder} but it seems as though everyone, in some way, can see this in their lives.

Eating disorders {get vulnerable} My eating disorder emerges its ugly head in my life
EVERY
SINGLE
DAY

I hate it.  I hate it so much.  I hate everything about it.  I want to wrap my hands around its neck and strangle the life out of it.

I remember a time when it had its hands wrapped around my neck and almost strangled the life out of me.

I wish I could permanently get rid of it but it doesn't work like that.  Something like an eating disorder and/or an addiction never just "goes away".  But there are things to do to get to a place in life where the fight is easier.

Choosing recovery is the first step.  But choosing once didn't make it go away.  I have to choose recovery
EVERY
SINGLE
DAY

Sometimes it's easy, lately it has been hard.  And it makes me so mad and so sad and so scared.

I believe in miracles, I believe if God wanted my eating disorder to just disappear it would. But what my experience has shown me is that although God can remove my pain, my heartache, my eating disorder, He see's the biggest picture.  Most of the time that big picture consists of me us having to suffer with Him by our side.

I don't know about you but my greatest growth has {unfortunately} come from my pain.  It has stretched me as a person.  I have seen how strong I am and how weak I can be.  It pushes me.  Even when I don't think I have the energy to be pushed.

I will never be grateful for my trials {I hate when people say they are} but I am very grateful for what I have learned and who I have become through my trials.

With that said... I wish my eating disorder would just  GO AWAY!
But it won't.  Like Alexa, I will have to free myself.

EVERY

SINGLE

DAY!

{I see you up there seeing me!}

Dentist Visits

My kids love their dentist 99.9% of the time because 99.9% of the time they don't have cavities! Bella has had 1 tiny cavity and the boys... ZERO!

Today Bella has to get a procedure done on her gums. The dentist is taking a razor to them. Not awesome.

The good news is Bella gets laughing gas and a front row seat with her Pony's in her hut to "Inside Out"!

Angels in Trees

Here He Stands

Monday morning started bright and early for Dad and Jon.  They were up by 5:00am and off to pick up all the equipment that they needed to take down are 3 large sissoo trees.  They had a deadline, my mom and dad were scheduled to fly home from Arizona on the last available flight back to Utah that day, and so they had to be done by the early evening. 

Getting Started

It was 8:30am when I first heard the roar of my dad’s chainsaw. 

It was 9:00am when I peeled out of the driveway rushing my dad to the emergency room.

Somewhere in those 30 minutes my entire world stood still. 

Somewhere in those 30 minutes I realized how vulnerable we all are.

Somewhere in those 30 minutes I realized my helplessness.

Isn’t it confusing how time can do that?

I was out in the yard with Jon and Dad; they were discussing “tree cutting down strategy” as Jon climbed up the ladder to take the chainsaw from my dad so that my dad could relocate.  I was vaguely listening to them but I remember thinking how macho they sounded and then I visualized “Tim the Tool Man Taylor” doing his barking-growl manly noise.  At one point I heard Jon tell my dad, “so just move the ladder over a little bit” at which my dad responded “okay”... but he never did. 

That was it… Jon walked into the garage to get something.  I was picking up branches in the yard.  My mom took Bella in the house to get her shoes on so that they could go on a bike ride together.  Everything was in order.

But out of the corner of my eye I noticed something.  I noticed the tree jolt.  It jolted suddenly and violently and it caught my attention.  I looked over to see what was happening.  

Then, I watched in horror as my dad fell. 

How long does it take to fall 20 feet?  

He fell directly, he didn’t hit any branches, it was as free as a "free-fall" can get.  

How long does it take? 

If you ask me, it takes forever. 

Perspective of the Fall 

My experience is uniquely mine and this is what I experienced. 

My dad

My rock solid person

My stronger than anyone hero

My trusted friend

My inappropriate sense of humor buddy

My “I will always be here for you” ally

My protector

My dad unable to protect himself or stop time or keep himself safe.

My dad at the mercy of gravity.  I watched and witnessed something I have never experienced before... 

My dad was completely and utterly 

 HELPLESS

I watched as frame by frame he fell.  I remember how he fell.  He wasn’t screaming, he wasn’t flailing his arms or legs, he was simply and silently falling.

And then I watched and listened as gravity pulled him down and he collided with the cement. 

The silence was deafening.  I wanted to hear noise.  I wanted to hear him scream out in pain or wince or swear.  It’s like having a baby, the baby needs to cry out, that is how we know that the baby is breathing.  I needed my dad to cry out but the only noise that existed was my voice. 

My body was moving in slow motion towards my dad but my voice seemed to be on fast forward.  I was yelling SCREAMING  “my dad just fell out of the tree, call 911” over and over again.  I wanted to be as clear as I could so that someone would hear me and immediately call 911! 

Jon heard me.  I’m not sure what all happened in that moment or two but I remember debating whether or not to run towards my dad.  I was afraid of what I may see and after my experience in 2011 at the Reno Air Races, I was very careful and very deliberate in my decision to move towards my dad.   

When I got to him he was moving. 

RELIEF

I was in full-blown “WE NEED TO HELP HIM NOW” mode.

Some people (my mom) refer to this as panic mode but I call it super vigilant chaotic "we need to help him now" mode.  

Potayyyto/Potahhhto 

I kept screaming for Jon to call 911 and then I would go over to my dad and ask him where he was hurt.  My dad couldn’t talk, he could barely breath and what was his breathing sounded like shallow short breaths.  I didn’t have the patience to wait for him to answer me and tell me what was going on with him. 

By this time my mom had heard the commotion and came out to see what was going on.  My mom is a lot less panicky  a lot less loud  a lot less crazy My mom is a lot calmer than I am in situations like this.  She was gentle with my dad, she listened to him and talked him through where his pain was.  She didn’t see the fall so she was patiently asking him questions and waiting for his answers. 

Jon was on the phone with the 911 operator who had dispatched the ambulance and I continued pacing around my dad, careful not to get too close to him.  

I was afraid to touch him.

I was afraid to move him.

I was afraid that he was trying to move. 

I yelled at him to “STOP MOVING” and my mom, the calm person she is, stood up and put her hands softly on my shoulders and looked at me.  In a very validating and loving tone she said, “Tice, it’s okay, calm down”.  In a not so very validating and not so loving tone I replied “DON’T TELL ME TO CALM DOWN!” 

(Side note) I’m never going to live that down.  My dad says he remembers the whole thing.  Me screaming like a lunatic, me asking him questions and not waiting around long enough to get the answers, me yelling at my mom… the funny thing is, he knows me, and he knows that I must love him very much to let myself go crazy like that. 

Against my advice my dad stood up.  I was so mad.  But as soon as he stood up I ran to my van and pulled up to where he was standing.  I demanded that he get in immediately.  Jon still had the 911 dispatcher on the phone (this really did happen within minutes) and I told Jon to cancel the ambulance, that I was driving my dad to the hospital myself. 

As a matter of fact, everyone listened to me!

When we got to the ER I dropped my mom and dad off.  My dad seemed to be in shock.  He could talk (in an airy sort of voice) and he could tell his arm was broken.  As the day progressed he got test after test done.  They eventually put him in an ambulance and transferred him to a hospital in Phoenix because it had a trauma unit (apparently falling from anything higher than 15 feet requires some sort of trauma treatment) where they admitted him.  He stayed there for a couple of nights.  He was pretty banged up with cuts and bruises but he was treated for 3 broken ribs and a shattered wrist, which resulted in surgery.  

The Events Documented 

Then he was discharged.

Then we got him back to Utah.

It’s been 11 days since this all happened and I’ve been waiting for it to hit me, to catch up to me.  

I’m familiar with trauma and how it works for me and so I’ve been expecting it.  

Today it hit me. 

As I returned home from dropping Bella off at a swim party and pulled into the driveway I looked up at the tree.  I looked down at the cement.  And I felt the pull of my heart.

Here it comes.

Embrace it.

Lean into it. 

Move through it. 

I parked the car and got out.  I went and lay under that huge tree.  I lay in the exact place my dad fell and I started crying.  I closed my eyes and said a prayer of gratitude.  I lay there for 30 minutes feeling all the emotion that was affiliated with my experience.

Somewhere in those 30 minutes my entire world stood still. 

Somewhere in those 30 minutes I realized how vulnerable we all are.

Somewhere in those 30 minutes I realized my helplessness.

My crying turned to sobbing, which turned to gratitude, which turned to peace. 

Embrace it.

Lean into it.

Move through it. 

I found peace in remembering the words that the emergency room doctor said to my dad over and over again. 

“You were watched over by angels today”

Laying Under the Tree on the Place Dad Landed

Laying under that tree today was healing.  I’m not sure why my dad had to fall.  I’m not sure why I had to witness it.  I’m not always sure why some things are necessary and what it is that I am suppose to learn from them but I do know this… angels accompany us and God loves us and I love my family.  

 

*Thank you for all your prayers and your thoughts and for reaching out to my parents and our family.  We were overwhelmed (especially my dad) with all the outpouring of love and concern* 

THANK YOU!

#damnhell 

Recovery Life

I'm feeling melancholy. 

Driving with the family to Newport thinking about how a year ago, while we were here, I was getting ready to present at my first fireside about body image! It feels like a lifetime ago!

It is amazing how sharing my story has changed my life! Just this week I sat with a stranger waiting for a call from Remuda. The call came while I was visiting with her. That was on Wednesday afternoon and she went in on Thursday morning.

It's amazing how "helping" others actually helps me... A MILLION TIMES MORE.

It's such a tool in my recovery. I feel so lucky. I didn't do anything special. But I sure get treated like I did!

No Room for Judgers

Advice to My Younger Self: TC 

I would rather unfriend you then keep you around if you are a judging person.

If you find yourself judging me or my family please leave.  I'm not being rude, I mean why wouldn't you want to be here anyway, right?

I love my family.
We are imperfect but we are awesome.

I am learning to love myself.
I am imperfect but I am stronger than I ever imagined I could be.

I love my husband.
He is imperfect but he is turning into the husband that I have always dreamed of having.

I have experienced a lot of pain and a lot of trauma in my marriage.
And it almost beat me... it almost beat us... and it still could, if we stop fighting for truth, for honesty, for each other.

I have experienced betrayal and hurt beyond my imagination.
And I have experienced the atonement in all of it's glory.

Don't judge our journey.
If you do, go away.  If you find yourself gossiping to another about my family then I don't want to be your friend, I'm desperate but not that desperate.

If you find yourself being able to relate to our story and our journey and you need support, I am here.
I am here.
We are here.
You are NOT alone.

http://addictionrecovery.lds.org/spouses-and-families/videos

The Togetherness Project

I am feeling blessed.
I am feeling overwhelmed.
I am feeling humble and unqualified.
I am feeling flattered.

There is a lot going on in my life.

That's a weird thing to say because I don't know of one mother out there that doesn't have a lot going on in her life.  Let me try again.

There is a lot going on in my life that is new and different and amazing and frankly, it intimidates the hell out of me!  I have been offered different opportunities to do things that I have never done before or that I never imagined doing.  It seems so guided because I haven't really reached out for these opportunities rather, they seem to be reaching out to me.

It has me wondering what God has in mind.

The Togetherness Project reached out to me and asked to present at the conference here in Phoenix in March.  I was so flattered that they would think of ME in their efforts to reach out to women who have been betrayed and hurt.  They have confidence that I have something to offer these women in their journey to healing.

ME??!??!!!!

But I was flattered, and they were confident in me, so... I accepted.
This was months ago.

Now it's not months away and I'm starting to wonder what I was thinking, what they were thinking!  What is going on???!!!

Deep breaths TC.
You can do this.

In the meantime, I want to share this experience with you because I have been supported by these amazing women in my journey to heal, to love myself, to embrace myself, to grow, learn, and to heal.  How could I not share this?  So, if you feel like you could grow by attending this conference, please do.  There are some of the most amazing therapists and specialists speaking, some of the most motivational people will be there presenting... and, you have options, so you can choose to skip over my presentation (which could very possibly end up in watching me pass out) and enjoy the other speakers!

http://www.togethernessproject.org

September 25, 2014 - Six Years

Releasing six balloons for me and 26 more for every letter of the alphabet - because I have met more than I can count who fight their eating disorder every single day.  We all have battles (not just ED) so keep fighting the good fight.  We are all in this together.  

Today (well it would have been today if I wrote this post when I planned on writing it... lets just pretend, to make it easier... for me!) - Ah-hem, as I was saying...

Today...
... I celebrate the last 6 years of FIGHT.
... I celebrate all the people I have met by sharing my story in February.
... I celebrate those that I have been blessed to watch make the impossible decision to seek help.
... I celebrate HOPE.
... I celebrate LIFE.
... I celebrate all those amazing young woman and their amazing mothers in the El Cerrito Ward (and the other wards that joined us that wonderful evening).
... I celebrate all my beautiful cousins, and my sisters, and my nieces and my sisters in-law.
... I celebrate humility.
... I celebrate agency and choice.
... I celebrate the beautiful young women of my ward - before we split and after.
... I celebrate those with courage who are just seeing their bravery for the first time.
... I celebrate God's Love.
... I celebrate family and friends and support beyond words.
... I celebrate my mom and dad and husband and kids.
... I celebrate the sister missionaries and the work I was blessed to do with them.
... I celebrate flaws and imperfections and REAL PEOPLE.
... I celebrate YOU.

I really do.
I celebrate you.
Because I love you.
And I think you are the most unique and lovely be-YOU-tiful there is.

So don't change.
And don't listen to the world because it will fill you with lies of things you "SHOULD" be.
Believe me, because I did.  I listened.  And I believed the lies.  And I was so hopeless.
So let's do each other a favor and let's not "should" all over ourselves... because I don't like messes!

So be YOU.  And be the best YOU.  And love yourself.  And feel God's love.

Thank you for celebrating with me and for loving me.
You are priceless.

My wonderful friends helped me celebrate my 6 year anniversary!
***I probably need to mention that these amazing women do NOT have eating disorders!!!***

Vulnerability is Real

Oh this post.
I've been putting it off.
Because it is scary for me and it makes me feel vulnerable.
But it is time.
And I absolutely owe it to my amazing friend and photographer Lauren Perry with Perrywinkle Photography and my favorite makeup artist of all time Heather Shelton with Red Scarlett Makeup Artistry.  (Heather is a redhead, we will forever be friends!)

Everyone deserves to feel beautiful right?  I recently just wrote about my thoughts on this.

Well, this photo-shoot was designed to maybe let me share with you, on a smaller scale, what it takes for our favorite actresses to look the way they look on the big screens, and maybe a little bit of what it takes for those models to look the way they do on the front cover of those magazines that line the checkout lanes of our grocery stores.

As I said, compared to what goes into models and movie stars, this is a very small scale.  I asked Lauren if she wouldn't use photoshop to change my body because of personal feelings but, if I wanted her to, she absolutely could have.  She would have had so much fun making my arms tighter, my hair bigger, my bum higher, stomach flatter, but she didn't (most of the magazines we see do have these alterations).  And although I didn't want anything photoshopped I did experience the enjoyment of getting my makeup professionally done, which was not only relaxing but it was a BLAST!!!  I think every woman should experience this!  It took about 90 minutes for me to go from no makeup to "Cover Girl" material. Raise your hand if you have 90 minutes a day to put your makeup on... anyone?  I did my hair myself, which took about an hour, at which point Heather assisted in fluffing it up and making it just right for the photo-shoot.  So, the total of makeup and hair 2 hours and 30 minutes...

Then, once makeup and hair was all ready I put on my dress, heals, jewelry, belt, etc... and then I removed my heals and carried them because, well how practical are they in the life of a mother of 3?! With my makeup done and my hair fluffed up it was time to say good-bye to Heather and head off to meet the amazing and professional photographer, Lauren Perry.

Thank goodness I had my amazing friend Kristi Chapo with me because I couldn't have carried all the extra items for the photo-shoot alone!  I also wouldn't have been able to get through the shoot without Kristi's kind and supportive although at times sarcastic words!  She helped me every step of the way.

Finally we arrived at the beautiful location that Lauren had picked out for the occasion, my heals went back on and it was time to do something that I have never EVER done before... have my pictures professionally taken!

Luckily, for me, working with Lauren was a riot!  Lauren and I have a commonality between us so we were able to laugh a lot and talk a lot of crap to each other.  Lauren played softball at BYU and I played at the U of U so, as you can imagine, whenever she asked me to do something I found difficult (like being serious for some photos) Lauren would say something like, "yeah, that seems like the best a Ute can do."  At which point I would yell at her and beg her for a second chance telling her "I can do it you Cougar, let me do it again!"

Somehow I survived.  And let me tell you, I was nervous.  Lauren was so patient with me as I tried a dozen times the month before to cancel the photo-shoot out of fear and insecurity.  She talked me through it and told me it would be great... and she was right.

The pictures turned out... well, I don't know, you can fill in the correct word.

Trying to be serious almost KILLED me! 

Smiles and a lot of laughing in attempt to be serious!

My point is, this is a process, an all day long process.  From picking out the clothes and the location, to getting my makeup done and hair perfected.  And working with a professional photographer who knows how to work angles and light in just the exact way that makes me look my very best.  This isn't natural, this isn't even real.  Sure it's me and I had such an amazing time doing this, but the real me doesn't belong on the cover of a magazine, and to be honest, with what the world defines as "cover worthy", no one belongs on the cover of those magazines, because what the world tells us is acceptable and beautiful and normal... simply isn't.

Trying to use my beautiful skirt as a prop... this was harder than it looks!!!

For the first 30 minutes a creepy man watched the shoot from a distance! Lauren thought this was great and even waved at him... I got my taser out! 

Lauren asked me to spin once (like literally spin around) and after I did it she said "yeah, don't ever do that again!" Guess I NAILED IT!

The world lies to us.
The world tells us our value and worthiness are all about our size and physical beauty.
We know better.  Thank goodness we know better.

I loved this day WAY more than I ever thought I would.
But this isn't me, not natural me.
This is fun, happy, spoiled, serious (or attempting to be serious),done-up me, and I like this person.

But I like the real me more.

I don't know if you know this about me, but I very much like "real" in my life.

A special thanks again to:
Lauren Perry
Heather Shelton
Kristi Chapo
Milli Charles, Sadie Ekins, Sid & Tammy Jones, Jon Jolley & all the Jolley children, and my Grandma Gladys (who had to hear me moan and complain about how scared I was for weeks and weeks and weeks!)

Paradigm Shift

It is not my job to understand you.
It is my job to love you.
-Tice

The following is from Stephen Covey's book, The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People

"I remember a mini-Paradigm Shift I experienced one Sunday morning on a subway in New York. People were sitting quietly -- some reading newspapers, some lost in thought, some resting with their eyes closed. It was a calm, peaceful scene. Then suddenly, a man and his children entered the subway car. The children were so loud and rambunctious that instantly the whole climate changed.

"The man sat down next to me and closed his eyes, apparently oblivious to the situation. The children were yelling back and forth, throwing things, even grabbing people's papers. It was very disturbing. And yet, the man sitting next to me did nothing.

"It was difficult not to feel irritated. I could not believe that he could be so insensitive to let his children run wild like that and do nothing about it, taking no responsibility at all. It was easy to see that everyone else on the subway felt irritated, too. So finally, with what I felt was unusual patience and restraint, I turned to him and said, "Sir, your children are really disturbing a lot of people. I wonder if you couldn't control them a little more?"

"The man lifted his gaze as if to come to a consciousness of the situation for the first time and said softly, 'Oh, you're right. I guess I should do something about it. We just came from the hospital where their mother died about an hour ago. I don't know what to think, and I guess they don't know how to handle it either.'

"Can you imagine what I felt at that moment? My paradigm shifted. Suddenly I saw things differently, I felt differently, I behaved differently. My irritation vanished. I didn't have to worry about controlling my attitude or my behavior; my heart was filled with the man's pain. Feelings of sympathy and compassion flowed freely. "Your wife just died? Oh, I'm so sorry. Can you tell me about it? What can I do to help?" 

Everything changed in an instant.

             

Hot Topics

Two hot topics at the Jolley home.  Two things that all members of my family are happy and proud to promote.

NUMBER ONE:  Go to The Gilbert Temple
NUMBER TWO:  Don't EVER go to SeaWorld

So… to sum up.  

GO GO GO GO to the TEMPLE

DON'T GO DON'T GO DON'T GO to SeaWorld

"Blackfish" - Tilikum

Free the Dolphins

"The Cove"

Brave Hearts

Yeah, I beat the "it's been a year since I last wrote" mark by a day!  WOO-HOO!  So I'm writing, mostly because I gave my blog address out to some amazing women and I feel like maybe I should let them know that yes, although it has ALMOST been a year, I still write… occasionally!  I have so much to say but I'm not in a place or mindful orginazation and peace so I won't start.  In the meantime, welcome new friends, if you are reading this then I guess you stopped by!  Also, to my old and faithful followers, if you still follow my blog, you are the most patient, enduring type!  My thought for the day…

BE BRAVE

I hope to be a more consistent writer soon.  I have so much to talk about!!!

Love ya, Tice