No Room for Judgers

Advice to My Younger Self: TC 

I would rather unfriend you then keep you around if you are a judging person.

If you find yourself judging me or my family please leave.  I'm not being rude, I mean why wouldn't you want to be here anyway, right?

I love my family.
We are imperfect but we are awesome.

I am learning to love myself.
I am imperfect but I am stronger than I ever imagined I could be.

I love my husband.
He is imperfect but he is turning into the husband that I have always dreamed of having.

I have experienced a lot of pain and a lot of trauma in my marriage.
And it almost beat me... it almost beat us... and it still could, if we stop fighting for truth, for honesty, for each other.

I have experienced betrayal and hurt beyond my imagination.
And I have experienced the atonement in all of it's glory.

Don't judge our journey.
If you do, go away.  If you find yourself gossiping to another about my family then I don't want to be your friend, I'm desperate but not that desperate.

If you find yourself being able to relate to our story and our journey and you need support, I am here.
I am here.
We are here.
You are NOT alone.

http://addictionrecovery.lds.org/spouses-and-families/videos

The Togetherness Project

I am feeling blessed.
I am feeling overwhelmed.
I am feeling humble and unqualified.
I am feeling flattered.

There is a lot going on in my life.

That's a weird thing to say because I don't know of one mother out there that doesn't have a lot going on in her life.  Let me try again.

There is a lot going on in my life that is new and different and amazing and frankly, it intimidates the hell out of me!  I have been offered different opportunities to do things that I have never done before or that I never imagined doing.  It seems so guided because I haven't really reached out for these opportunities rather, they seem to be reaching out to me.

It has me wondering what God has in mind.

The Togetherness Project reached out to me and asked to present at the conference here in Phoenix in March.  I was so flattered that they would think of ME in their efforts to reach out to women who have been betrayed and hurt.  They have confidence that I have something to offer these women in their journey to healing.

ME??!??!!!!

But I was flattered, and they were confident in me, so... I accepted.
This was months ago.

Now it's not months away and I'm starting to wonder what I was thinking, what they were thinking!  What is going on???!!!

Deep breaths TC.
You can do this.

In the meantime, I want to share this experience with you because I have been supported by these amazing women in my journey to heal, to love myself, to embrace myself, to grow, learn, and to heal.  How could I not share this?  So, if you feel like you could grow by attending this conference, please do.  There are some of the most amazing therapists and specialists speaking, some of the most motivational people will be there presenting... and, you have options, so you can choose to skip over my presentation (which could very possibly end up in watching me pass out) and enjoy the other speakers!

http://www.togethernessproject.org

I love CHRISTmas

I'm laying here in bed.  It's 2:30am on Christmas morning and I'm feeling a bit nostalgic... peaceful... happy... excited.

I feel like this Christmas has been better for me.  I have been able to focus more on the true meaning of Christmas.  Christ's birth.

This Christmas has felt very special.  Like maybe, just maybe, I am growing and starting to understand.

I love CHRISTmas. 

By the way, I'm riding a "brave wave"... I'll ride it until I can't I suppose! 

Christmas Cards

I love Christmas.

I mean, even in the hardest times of my life... the ugliest times of my life, I have been able to find enough joy and happiness to really love this time of year.

I think it is so many things...

The lights, I love lights so much (I wish my back yard resembled that of Zeek and Camille's on Parenthood, if you know what I mean).
The music, not the cheesy Christmas music but the beautiful and meaningful music (although the cheesy music makes my kids laugh and sing).
The chill in the air, and by chill, I mean the Arizona chill not the Utah frostbite!
The mood, feeling and spirit that fills the malls, stores, churches, homes, temples, internet, neighborhoods, schools, social media, etc... I sound cliche but truly, there is a beautiful understanding and feeling that lingers.
I think it's the people and the sentiments and the traditions that make me happy.
And the LOVE and the understandings and the giving and getting.
I think there is something about the movie list on Netflix that has everything to do with funny ways and storylines of forgetting and then remembering the "meaning of Christmas".
My heart seems to be a little calmer and a little more connected with my brother and Savior, Jesus Christ.  I feel closer to Our Father and my family (even though they still make me crazy).

One thing that makes me so happy, happier than I think it may make most people, is receiving and sending Christmas Cards.

I have grown addicted to the feeling of checking my mailbox everyday in December and skipping back with a single card or a handful of cards.  I love everything about opening up the cards and seeing the family photos and reading the changes that my friends have gone through over the past year.  I love getting out the blue paint tape and finding just the perfect spot on my "Christmas Card Tree" for all the cards I've collected.  I just love it.  And, as many of you may have experienced, I have been known to threaten people (on occasion) for their cards!  Hey, I didn't say I was proud of all the ways I actually get the cards!! 

I'm not completely selfish because another favorite thing I love about December is MAKING and GIVING Christmas cards!  Our family has accidentally started such a fun tradition... we LOVE coming up with creative ways to make people smile, or even laugh, when they receive our Christmas card.

This may be on my top 5 favorite things about Christmas, and it just kinda... happened.  Maybe you can see why...

I never said it would be easy... 

I only said it would be worth it!!!  And oh it was so worth it!!! 

So, if you are wondering if you should send us a Christmas card, please do, I can't tell you how happy it makes me.  And I will send you one too, because that's what Christmas is about right?  Spreading joy, laughing hard, loving a lot and celebrating the birth of Our Savior.

Merry Christmas.  May you and yours have peace and joy always.

And for the record... our kids are wannabe posers!!!

Maybe one day they'll be as cool as us! 

For Her

Anabelle Jane October 2014 - 50's Day at School

Some weeks are hard.

Some weeks are harder than the hard weeks.
Some weeks are so hard that I am not sure I will survive.
Some weeks are so hard that I am not sure I WANT to survive.

This week I found out that my daughter is autistic.
I'm not completely shocked.
I am completely terrified.

Sometimes life doesn't make sense.
Sometimes I don't have the right words to say what I need to say...

So I sing...
For Her

I love you Bella

September 25, 2014 - Six Years

Releasing six balloons for me and 26 more for every letter of the alphabet - because I have met more than I can count who fight their eating disorder every single day.  We all have battles (not just ED) so keep fighting the good fight.  We are all in this together.  

Today (well it would have been today if I wrote this post when I planned on writing it... lets just pretend, to make it easier... for me!) - Ah-hem, as I was saying...

Today...
... I celebrate the last 6 years of FIGHT.
... I celebrate all the people I have met by sharing my story in February.
... I celebrate those that I have been blessed to watch make the impossible decision to seek help.
... I celebrate HOPE.
... I celebrate LIFE.
... I celebrate all those amazing young woman and their amazing mothers in the El Cerrito Ward (and the other wards that joined us that wonderful evening).
... I celebrate all my beautiful cousins, and my sisters, and my nieces and my sisters in-law.
... I celebrate humility.
... I celebrate agency and choice.
... I celebrate the beautiful young women of my ward - before we split and after.
... I celebrate those with courage who are just seeing their bravery for the first time.
... I celebrate God's Love.
... I celebrate family and friends and support beyond words.
... I celebrate my mom and dad and husband and kids.
... I celebrate the sister missionaries and the work I was blessed to do with them.
... I celebrate flaws and imperfections and REAL PEOPLE.
... I celebrate YOU.

I really do.
I celebrate you.
Because I love you.
And I think you are the most unique and lovely be-YOU-tiful there is.

So don't change.
And don't listen to the world because it will fill you with lies of things you "SHOULD" be.
Believe me, because I did.  I listened.  And I believed the lies.  And I was so hopeless.
So let's do each other a favor and let's not "should" all over ourselves... because I don't like messes!

So be YOU.  And be the best YOU.  And love yourself.  And feel God's love.

Thank you for celebrating with me and for loving me.
You are priceless.

My wonderful friends helped me celebrate my 6 year anniversary!
***I probably need to mention that these amazing women do NOT have eating disorders!!!***

Cravings

I went to The Reno Air Races for the fourth consecutive time this year.  I posted a link on Facebook about my experience in 2011 when I witnessed the P-51 Mustang "The Galloping Ghost" crash into the box area.  (If you are interested it is posted HERE)

To be honest, I haven't read that post since I wrote it back in 2011.  I felt obligated to go back and read through the because so many of you lovely people reached out to me, in some way, expressing love and support and concern.  ***I feel super blessed***

As I read through the post, I remembered some things that I had forgotten over the last 4 years.

It was good to remember.

It was good to feel so much love and support.

I ended the post rather abruptly didn't I?  I actually remember writing about this experience while I sat on my front porch... a little over 24 hours after the crash and I was safe and sound, back at my home with my family, as if I never left, as if it never happened.

But it did.

I've realized that blessing can come from the most tragic things.  It seems as though people who experience tragedy together form a very strong bond.  It's crazy how these people who I had just met the day of the accident are now a permanent part of my life.

I crave them sometimes.

I crave them when I get caught off-guard by a loud noise and those memories from the crash come flooding back.  I crave them when I hear the National Anthem.  I crave them when I hear a military jet fly over my home.

I crave them.

I am bonded to them.

I love them.

Reno Air Races 2011 & 2012

I have another group of the most amazingly strong people who I have also met because our lives share similar tragedies.  I haven't met many of these woman but I feel as though I could be my most vulnerable self around them, because they have been through something similar to what I have been through.  They can relate to my pain and my heartache and my confusion.  And I crave these beautiful strong warriors.

I crave them.

I am bonded to them.

I love them.

Isn't it interesting how we, as humans, form bonds?

Life is full of trials and heartache and tragedy... but these things give us an opportunity to become real.

And I crave real.

By the way, this is Ernie Sutter, the Ernie that melted my heart in my original post about Box A-49... he is still racing, and he's still awesome!