Chronic

Chronic pain is terrible.
I have it in my jaw.
I see a specialist who gives me injections and medication.
I wear night guards and day guards and do yoga and use essential oils all in the name of easing the pain.

I have good days and bad days.

When I have bad days I avoid eating anything that can't be sucked up in a straw.  On bad days I try to minimize my schedule to avoid migraines but if a migraine is inevitable, I find myself in bed with the lights off, the fans on, and a barf bucket next to me.

Chronic pain affects my life and the lives of those I live with, those I love, and those that depend on me.

Feeling uncomfortable in one's skin is terrible.
I often feel uncomfortable in my body.
I see a specialist who gives me tools and perspective.
I read affirmations, reach out to friends, workout on the elliptical machine, and use essential oils all in the name of easing the pain.

I have good days and bad days.

When I have bad days I avoid getting dressed in "real" clothes or, if I have to get dressed, I wear baggy clothes to cover up.  On bad days I try to minimize my schedule to avoid being "seen" by anyone.  I do the very minimum out in public and I flake out of anything social that isn't mandatory.  On bad days I often find myself in bed hiding away from the world and yelling at my body and my brain for making it so hard for me to function.

Body image and body dysmorphia affect my life and the lives of those I live with, those I love, and those that depend on me.

The difference between my chronic pain and my negative body image is shame.
I have so much more shame with the latter.

***I realize when I post these types of posts there is a silent RED ALERT that goes off for some of you. Let me clarify, this post is an expression of things I deal with, I am sharing so those that can relate know that they aren't alone. My eating disorder recovery hasn't halted, I am working out the kinks in my flawed thinking, there is no need for that silent RED ALERT but thank you for loving me.***

15th Anniversary

Today is our 15th wedding anniversary. 

Fifteen years ago I couldn’t have imagined what my marriage would endure, what I would endure, and what Jon would endure. If I would have been able to sneak a glimpse of what the years ahead had in store for me I would have been so scared and so doubtful in my ability to work through the hardships that I probably would have ran away and never looked back.

But… I’m really glad I didn’t. 

I am really, really glad I didn’t. 

I wonder what I will say about things 15 years from now! 

Marriage is hard, it just is. My marriage, over the last 15 years, has involved compromise and stubbornness, communication and separation, patience and frustration, hurt and pain and so much healing, hope and hopelessness, love and hate, pride and humility, anger and sadness, fear and safety, lies and honesty, judgement, forgiveness, frustration, and charity.  

Over the last 15 years our marriage has seen many dark days. We spent years fighting WITH each other while fighting FOR each other. There was a period of time when neither of us thought we could withstand the damages done in our marriage and we almost walked away. 

But somehow, with the Grace of God, things started changing and we are still here. And we kinda like each other. 

My First Podcast!

My good friend from high school, Mike Hardle (with Riven), recently reached out to me. He asked me if I would feel comfortable doing a Podcast on my eating disorder. I was excited for the opportunity and since I have become somewhat of a {cough} public speaker on the topic, I wasn't nervous when I agreed to do it.

That was until I realized that podcasts are live.

And permanent.

And forever.

And LIVE! 

And that is when I got nervous! 

I still haven't watched the podcast but I am sharing it here. I feel passionate about reaching those out there that are struggling and who feel so very alone. When I felt all alone in this battle (as well as alone with my husbands addiction) I became hopeless and overwhelmed with sadness. My goal, my passion, is to reach those of you who feel alone and help you realize that YOU ARE NOT ALONE. 

We are all in this together. 

I am at a place in my recovery where I can share my story and my experiences and Jon is at a place in his recovery where he can share his story and his experiences. We may not be in this place a year from now or a week from now {heaven knows we weren't able to share for the first SEVEN YEARS} but while we are in this place we will share, we will put ourselves out there in hopes to help someone, anyone, even one single person. 

After all, I started healing when someone very dear to me put her story out there for me to find. And for the first time in a long time, I didn't feel alone. 

RIVEN LIVE #024 - "Life With An Eating Disorder" ft. Tc Jolley
RIVEN LIVE #024 - "Life with an eating disorder."WE TALK TO TC JOLLEY ABOUT HER LIFELONG STRUGGLE WITH AN EATING DISORDERWE TALK ABOUT BODY DYSMORPHIA WE TALK ABOUT LEARNING TO LOVE YOURSELFWE TALK ABOUT WARNING SIGNS OF AN EATING DISORDER AND HOW TO GET HELP
Posted by Rivengear on Tuesday, March 22, 2016

Something's are worth mentioning: 

• On the periscope app people were asking questions through the whole podcast interview but I was unable to get to those questions and I have no way of going back to read them. If you have a question or comment or if there was a topic we didn't cover that you want to know more about, please let me know. I don't have all the answers but I have a lot of very smart friends who DO have all the answers! 
• I finally got around to the PUBLIC Warriors rEDeemED page. Feel free to check it out. I have no idea what I'm doing! 
• If you want to join the PRIVATE Warriors rEDeemED group let me know. I can add you through Facebook so message me. This is a group where women with eating disorders (anorexia, bulimia, compulsive overeating, BED, EDNOS, OSFED, etc...) come for support and love. You can only join if you fit into these categories in order to keep the group safe. Also, we abide by the same confidentiality and anonymity that any 12-step group provides. 
• If you think this is helpful please share it. It's not about me, it's about helping others. 
• Online eating disorder screening here. 
• Family, friends & loved ones here. 

RIVEN is a cool company. It stands for RESPECT - INTEGRITY - VICTORY - EFFORT - NEVER GIVE UP. What are YOU fighting for? They also sale awesome swat at Rivengear. Mike, these pants are my new favorite things in the world. I think I need more so I can wear them every single day! 

Truth

Do you believe this? I do. I really TRULY  do. It's just... sometimes, I forget.

Sometimes I get caught up with the world and wrapped around things that really TRULY don't matter.

But really, who can blame me? The world is just that, it's THE LARGE ROUND GINORMOUS ALL CONSUMING WORLD! 

It is everywhere I am and everywhere I see.
It is all the sounds and textures and the sights and conversations.

It's the mundane routine of waking the kids up every Monday {Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday} to get them off to school on time. Where in-between waking them up and getting them to school looks {and feels} like a scene from an insane asylum! Starting with the tween begging for "five more minutes" and refusing to get moving. Negotiating with the 8 year old to eat before she gets dressed because yesterday she spilled her breakfast and had to change her clothes... twice! It's running around trying to find socks and shoes and homework even though {I swear} everything was all set out the night before so we could avoid the chaos {and yelling, and blaming, and fighting}. It's hearing the kids argue with one another and trying not to take it personal as the voices in my head tell me "if you were a better mother..."

The world is the frustration and worry that I feel when my car makes a weird sound and it is the panic I feel as I wonder what this could mean or how much it will cost. It's the dirty bathroom that painfully shouts words of inadequacy regarding my "homemaking" skills. It's the shame I feel as I drive past the gym that I haven't visited in weeks.

The world is the commercials on TV I see that define what "real" happiness is or what I need to do in order to be more valuable. The world makes it very clear that women must be thin and sexy and tan and, of course, stay young {because that's possible...wait}. While it reminds men that possessions and financial success is their ticket to respect and value and it will also guarantee them that wife that is thin and sexy and tan and never ages.

The world is the whispers of shame I feel when I spend time on social media reading meaningless articles and comparing myself to all the perfectly happy people and it's also the guilt I feel when I avoid social media and miss the message that my neighbor had to go to the hospital.

The world is overwhelming and it seems to always be telling me how I can be better. It seems to be shouting my inadequacies at me with the punch line of "but hey, don't give up hope, I can save you... {for 3 easy payments of $39.99 and your soul}.

The world is everywhere and really, there is no escaping it.
BUT just because I am  in the world doesn't mean I have to be of the world right?

You and I have to fight for truth. The truth sets us free. The world doesn't tell us the truth. We can't earn our value because WE ARE VALUABLE. We can't earn love because WE ARE LOVE.  You and I are already infinitely valuable and lovable.

BEST. NEWS. EVER. 

I was privilege enough to share this message with some amazing women and young women last night. When I see them staring back at me I see light and love and value. I am honored and humbled at the chance to help them remember the truth about their value.

But the biggest privilege of preparing to speak, the best part of my process is that I get to remember.

And remembering how valuable I am, remembering the truth, well... it's more beauty than this world can hold.

My Problem

We all have our own stories. Our own experiences. We all see the world from our individual view because of our unique experiences and personalities. No one sees everything exactly the same, not even identical twins. Even when we go through similar experiences our process is very different because of our past, our circumstances, our fears, and our examples.

Because of who I am, what I am made of, how my thought process works, how I feel empathy, guilt, and pain; because of how I am driven by my extreme desire to make everyone happy and the pressure I put on myself to be perfect; because of my genetic history and my natural environment and the way I judge myself and understand God; for all of these reasons and more I have an eating disorder.

It started when I was 10, before I even knew what an eating disorder was.
It's just what I did to cope without even knowing I was doing it to cope.
I didn't understand it.  I didn't know it was bad or wrong.
And I thought everyone interpreted the world the way I did so I didn't know I was unique in this.

However, the why and the how I developed an eating disorder aren't the purpose of this post.

I recently went to dinner with some friends. I didn't order food, just a drink. My friends know about my eating disorder and they are wonderful at respecting my struggle and letting me do what I need to do. However, as respectful as they are, they love and care about me the way I love and care about them, so they offered support while also expressing their concern for my recent struggles and setbacks. (oh did you not know I had recently been struggling and dealing with setbacks? I suppose you do now)

The dinner opened up my mind as questions were asked and answered and I realized not everyone thinks the way I do.  When they asked me how I felt about food, I found myself explaining my brokenness and as I expressed myself I heard words come out of my mouth that I hadn't really expressed before.

I feel compelled to share this here.  I want to share my frame of mind in hopes that there can be some light shed for those that try so hard to understand eating disorders as a way to support their loved ones that may struggle.
So, as best as I can, I will explain how I feel about food.  I repeat, this is how I feel. 

Food is bad.  Eating food feels wrong, like sinfully wrong.  I feel anxious and afraid and shameful when I eat.  When I am deep in my ED all food is off limits; a carrot is as poisonous as a candy bar.  When I eat something and it actually tastes good, if I actually enjoy it, I am bad and I feel very out of control.  

If I am weak and give into eating I must have a punishment or consequence.  Punishments have involve starving myself, purging, or spending endless hours at the gym to make up for my "weak moment".  (Another common form of punishment for people with ED's is cutting - luckily, I don't struggle with this.)

When I deeply struggle I am in conflict with myself.  
My soul, body, and brain seem to contradict each other.  

It's like my ED is screaming at me to not eat but my HEALTHY side knows that food is good and necessary and healthy.  So, I follow my HEALTHY side and eat but then I feel terribly guilty even though I KNOW it's good and necessary and healthy to eat. Or, I follow my ED and I don't eat but then feel terribly guilty because I KNOW I need to eat.  

Eating is the right thing to do but it feels like the wrong thing to do.
Not eating feels like the right things to do but it is the wrong thing to do. 

Can you see the confusion? 
Can you feel the pain?
Believe me, I see how messed up this is.  I know how backwards it is and I know what to say to make it all right but the truth is, these contradicting feelings are common among people who suffer with eating disorder.

My challenge is sync my soul, body and brain.
I need to KNOW the truth and I need to FEEL that truth.

Right now, I am struggling intensely.  I have somehow taken steps backwards.  I have fallen.  I have become complacent in my recovery.  I have made some unhealthy choices and had some relapses. 
I am so frustrated with myself for allowing me to get here.  I am so angry with myself.

HOWEVER... 

I refuse to give up. I refuse to give in. I refuse to back down. 

I REFUSE TO LOSE THIS WAR.

***Let me emphasize that these examples are present when I am really struggling, and I'm not always struggling at this level of intensity.  Also, if you have any questions don't be afraid to ask.*** 

The Heart

Of all three of my kids, Jack is the most underestimated.

He is going to change the world.

Jack is the sweetest, kindest, most fair, sincerest, most honest human being I have ever met.

This world we live in is hard. It's brutal on ones soul. Often it seems unforgiving and relentless in a way that can make, even the strongest, feel small and scared and unsure.

I hope the harshness of this world doesn't change Jack.

I hope Jack changes the harshness of this world.

Jack's innocence is endearing and pure. We had this enlightening {and hilarious} text conversation the other day.  I can't stop laughing about it!  Jack got his first cell phone and, can I just say that, I think I am enjoying it more than he is!!

MERRY CHRISTMAS LOVE THE JOLLEY'S! 

We love this tradition {even though there is so much pressure}! There is a purpose behind our Christmas cards... life is hard. Our family has celebrated joyful moments; moments that make hearts skip a beat, moments where jaws are sore from laughing so hard it hurts. Along with those highs we have endured painful moments; moments that make hearts stop out of fear, moments where eyes are swollen from sleepless nights filled with tears. Life is hard. One of the purposes behind our cards are to bring a smile to the faces of those we love or maybe even to bring laughter into your homes {if only for a brief moment}. We {I} have such a fun time creating these cards and my family is amazing for supporting my crazy!!! We love you all and hope that, no matter where you are in life, you have a very Merry Christmas!