Today is the first day of school for my kids. This time, it's all three of my kids that are in full day school. I feel nervous and a bit anxious and even a little sad. Don't get me wrong, I'm sure after these initial emotions pass and our routine sets in, I'm sure I'll be thrilled with the amount of free time I have. I mean, I have a lot of plans that I've been sitting on for years waiting for this day, but in the meantime, I feel strange.
In my life I've experienced a wide variety of different emotions and feelings. One of my least favorite, if not my absolute least favorite, is the feeling of regret. In my desperate attempt to never feel regret I have lived some of my life in fear... I guess I feel more comfortable feeling afraid then feeling regret. So on this particular day, as I send my boys to school on their own (they wanted to walk all by themselves) and watch my 4 year old baby girl get on her bus, I am slammed with the feeling that all three of my most treasured possessions are off in the big world without me to watch them and physically guide them 5 of the 7 days a week.
I wasn't prepared for the thoughts and questions that so randomly flooded my mind. Did I do enough? (probably not). Did I teach them all that I needed to? (absolutely not). Did I make the most of every moment I had with them? (um, not even close). So, although I know that it is impossible to answer those questions with a firm "YES", I still feel a little regret. I could have done more. I mean, I really COULD have (not to be mistaken with SHOULD have). However, as I battle walking the thin line of guilt verses shame, I refuse to feel ashamed. Shame is bad. Guilt is okay to feel... or so I've been told numerous times by numerous therapists!
So, from this guilt that I'm feeling, from this regret, I guess all I can do is change what I'm going to do to do from today forward.
Some goals I will be aiming for, but that I will keep an open-mind with, are:
-Morning family prayers (would I send my kids to school in the winter without a coat? heavens no, so why would I ever send them without a prayer? i wont)
-Have my "TC" stuff (projects, work, housework, grocery shopping, cleaning, etc...) done and done by 3:00 (when the kids get home) so that I can be completely theirs. Come on, if I can't get my "stuff" done from 8:00-3:00 then I need to re-assess!
I'm not going to go all "TC control freak" and set more goals then that... because I'm starting to know myself better, and that is never really a good thing for me to do! So, that's easy enough right? Hopefully I will fill better about all these changes. They are good changes, this is all good right? I mean, my kids are growing up right before my eyes... and I'm pretty proud of the little people they are becoming. So, this is all good.
I love my kids. I love my family. Sometimes I wish I could lock all the people I love away and keep them safe and protected in a happy little bubble... but that sounds vaguely familiar to a plan I voted against before I was even born. I get it, I get why there is a plus side to taking away ones agency... but, I know that if I actually did that, I would be handicapping the people that I love so much. So, Letice Jones Jolley.... LET GO. LET GO. LET GO... and when you figure out just how to LET GO... give me a call and teach me your secrets!
(mom notes)
Brayden - Forth Grade with Mrs. Adams
Brayden's imagination is always in full-force. Although he likes playing the wii with his friends and his dad and brother, he would prefer a make-believe game anytime (as long as he's the inventer of the game!). Brayden is so tender hearted but he also will let you know when he is mad (and sometimes he says hurtful things) but because his heart out weighs any other part of who he is, he always comes back with a tear-filled, tender-hearted apology. Brayden is a good leader and a good brother.
(mom notes)
Jack - Second Grade with Mr. G
Jack is my cuddler... surprise, surprise! Jack was, by far, the hardest toddler in the entire world so this new boy that has been around for a couple of years, is a nice surprise!!! Jack is actually the easiest, meaning lowest maintanance, child in the family. Jack's "go with the flow" personality is a great addition to our crazy family. Jack and I have a strong connection and Jack's loyalty has caused fights with other family members as he sticks up for me!!! Jack is the FUNNIEST kid I know, and part of what makes him funny is he has no clue that he is funny! I am so excited to see what this year has in store for my sensitive and sweet Jack Jolley boy!
(mom notes)
Bella - Kindergarten with Mrs. Nowicki
Holy cow this girl is already a teenager! She is currently holding the record of "most stubborn" in our family (even more stubborn than I am)! Bella is so sweet and says the wittiest (is that a word) things! The other day I asked her if she remembered her teachers name, she couldn't, so I gave her a little hint by saying, "It's Mrs.???" and she got the "ah-ha" look on her face and said, "oh, Mrs....sippy!". This girl is smart! She remembers EVERYTHING with great detail. I can't wait to hear about all her stories and adventures!
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