So, I worry.

I’m worried about Jack.  Is this something that people blog about?  I often feel as though I’m breaking the “secret unspoken blog code” when I post more about my fears and concerns and worries and more about my REAL life than I do about vacations and accomplishments and amazing FHE lessons that seem to go off without a single hitch, but I’m not good at obeying that code… my life isn’t like that… is yours?  Really? 

Anyway, back to breaking the code.

I am truly worried about Jack.  I mean, as his mom I am blessed to see all the wonderful attributes and talents that this boy possesses.  I see his innocence, his heart, his love, his intentions, his goodness… but, I’m his mom, so it’s really easy for me.

I volunteered in Jack’s 3^rd grade class for his “Holiday” class party and witnessed some, well I witnessed some things that left me a little discouraged for my Jack.  And, as any mother, as any parent or grandparent can relate to… my heart hurt for my little man.

Jack has some speech “issues”.  They don’t seem too drastic but this year he actually qualified for speech therapy through his school.  I was happy about this.  We were taking him to speech therapy on our own and it’s a bit PRICY, so this was good news. 

On Friday, the day of the party, I noticed just how much of a communication issue Jack has with his peers.  I watched as he talked to other kids that weren’t really listening to him tell a story, they weren’t mean or disrespectful, they just kind of looked right past Jack.  Luckily for me, Jack didn’t even seem to notice.  He just kept telling his story as though he were the center of attention.  But, my fear kicked in and my logics kicked in and I realized that it won’t be long until he notices what I noticed.  I saw, for the first time, that Jack just didn’t have a speech issue, but he actually has a hard time communicating.  He has a hard time expressing himself and is often misunderstood.  He wanted to play “heads-up seven-up” during the party and specifically asked me if I could make sure he was picked to be in front of the class because (as he explained) he isn’t picked much when the class has played this game in the past.  Oh come on, put my heart back in my chest people. 

This has been a hard realization for me.  Ugh, having kids is so hard.  I am having a hard time not feeling sorry for myself.  I’m having a hard time not calling all the parents to those who have kids that associate with Jack and begging them to tell their 8 and 9 year olds to have extra patience with Jack as he’s trying to share an idea or offer up suggestions or just engage in whatever conversation is taking place (yeah, I realize that my request is unrealistic when it involves 8 and 9 year olds but so what!). 

I want to scream to everyone that I have to constantly worry about Bella because of the struggles she was just born with.  I have no extra worry left in me for Brayden and Jack… they just need to have things be easy for them… for the sake of me!   But this just isn’t working out. 

Brayden Blaine.  My “perfect pleasing” 10 year old.  Brayden is great socially.  He gets what it takes to make and keep friends.  He is likable and funny BUT Brayden is a perfectionist.  I have to constantly remind him that it is okay to not be perfect.  I was a little lot like this when I was a kid so I have a pretty good idea of the destructive thinking patterns of a perfectionist.  I want to scream from the top of the mountains that it’s okay for this little man to have flaws and faults and to just TRY his best, even if that isn’t perfection... because it won’t be.  This kid is so hard on himself and he is full of worry and anxiety.  He has even been officially diagnosed with an “anxiety disorder”.  Seriously? 

So, I worry.

Jack Jolley.  My  “kind hearted socially unaware” 9 year old.  Jack is smart.  Jack does his homework with so much ease.  It’s natural.  Jack also has one of the biggest hearts, he is real and loyal and just wants to fit in BUT he doesn’t fit in.  And I don’t get it.  I want to tell everyone what they are missing out on by not “letting him in”… (LET HIM IN people… didn’t any of you see “The Forgotten Carol”?) LET HIM IN.  I feel like being able to fit in socially is maybe more important than being smart or creative or even physically capable.  And I’m noticing that Jack is socially awkward and this terrifies me.  Is he going to end up addicted to drugs or alcohol or other substances due to his eagerness and strive to “fit in”?  Seriously, does anyone want to set up a play date with Jack?  Please say YES.  Please call me or text me or email me or leave a comment… PLEASE.  I’m scared.

So, I worry.

Anabelle Jane.  My “physically behind, behaviorally behind, forgiving loving” 6 year old.  Bella is so witty and so funny and so smart and so sweet BUT Bella has some difficult health issues.  Bella was diagnosed with cerebral palsy when she was 2 ½ or maybe 3 years old.  The CP has created some physical complications for Bella but I watch in amazement as her “limp” or her “tilted foot” seems to hardly be noticeable these days.  However, Bella is behind.  Bella struggles with homework, she struggles with understanding cause and effect or consequences.  I think I tell myself that she is still young and that I don’t need to worry too much right now but I’m not very good at fooling myself.  Bella has such a hard time LISTENING and OBEYING some most instructions.  We are in the process of figuring out if/which medications will help her but it’s so hard and slow and scary. 

So, I worry. 

Okay, so I was just going to lightly suggest that I may be a little worried about Jack in this post but it looks like this has turned into some deep confession I have for all my children.  And, whoever said writing things out makes one feel better was a LIAR because writing all this out has my stomach in knots… so what is it that I was searching for by posting this?  Good question, I have no idea.

THE END