Happy Easter

Hey everyone, I've been a blogging lame-o but I'm hoping to catch up. I have so many funny things to blog about but first I must post some pictures of my children in their Easter attire...for my mom's sake. Here you go mom, they wouldn't pose (my perfect children not pose? I know a shocker!). Happy Easter everyone!

This is rated PG-13... you've been warned!

I figured out a way to get myself out of my pajamas everyday before 3:00 pm... I go to sleep the night before in the clothes I plan on wearing the following day... wake up and wah-lah... I am dressed! I did it last night and this morning I felt much more on top of things... I'm serious, ask Jon!

It's also good to sleep in your clothes (or any clothes) for moments like this as well...

(My mom is going to KILL me!!!... but I guarantee she laughed!)

Peace Out

I need to vent about... ME! Most of the time I need to vent about being a mommy and all the diapers I change and all the running around I'm doing or all the dishes and laundry that mysteriously NEVER get done even though I'm doing them full time, or I need to vent about my wonderful husband and how much he works and is gone or I need to vent about missing my family in Utah and missing the help and support that comes from being around them, or I need to vent about not knowing my niece that is 4 months old or about finances or about therapy and how LAME it is or about not getting invited to a party or an outting with the girls or about the weather... oh wait, I live in Arizona, I don't need to vent about that, at least not until the summer... anyway, today I'm venting about ME!

I am so frustrated with ME! I'm frustrated with my lack of motivation and my sensitive sensitivity. I am frustrated with my lack of patience with my children and my ups and downs with them. I want to be more consistent, even if I choose the meaner me, at least it will be consistent right?! I'm frustrated with my struggles, and my ED, and feeling depressed, and how I never feel like I'm in charge but rather in the passenger seat of MY life. This morning I woke up to Brayden crying in his room, he said he had a headache so I took his temperature and sure enough it was 102.7. I'm frustrated that because he had a fever my day melted away. I'm frustrated with how I'm sitting here at 12:30 still in my pajamas. I'm frustrated looking at other blogs because everyone seems to have it so much more together than I do, and I'm not just talking a little bit more, but A TON MORE than I do... (if you are pretending to have it all together, please don't, it hurts others feelings, see what I mean about the sensitive part??!!) I'm frustrated that I'm beginning to become anti-social and dread "going out" because my body image SUCKS.

If I'm being honest I feel like a good dose of turrets syndrome would help me right now. I just feel like screaming and swearing and screaming some more... along with more swearing that is! I feel like throwing a tantrum on the floor like a 3 year old child. I feel like punching everyone I see in the face (okay, maybe punching is a bit harsh, but a slap maybe). Hopefully this is a sign of progress. Maybe it means that I'm recovering from my "issues" because for once in my life I'm trying something new and different by challenging all the things I use to do in order to cope with life.

All I know is that I'm going through some things. Everyone said that going to Remuda Ranch was just the beginning, that the hard part is going back home and applying everything I learned there into my "real life". It makes me so angry because that place was HARD but they were right, it's so much harder here. This fight is real and it's the hardest thing I've ever done... EVER.

I appreciate all the support I've had and continue to receive. So many good things have come from me "outting" myself, I have made a lot of great friends with whom I can be real with. So many of you have shared your "junk" with me so that I know that I'm not alone with my struggles and trials. On the other hand some not so good things have come from me being honest and real, and that's okay.

Anyway, I'm not sure what the purpose of this post was, other then to get some things off my chest that bug me about me, and become completely and totally vulnerable on the Internet... again! I do, however, feel a bit better so maybe it worked... now I'm off to through that turrets tantrum. I'm sure it will make me feel even better!!!

My Beautiful Baby Girl!

This little girl is such an angel in my life. When we adopted her I had no idea how much she would inspire me and bless my life. She is such a huge motivation throughout the ups and downs of my recovery and she doesn't even know it. I want to be the best mom and example for her that I can be.

Anyway, enough of the sentiments! Look at this little monkey! She is into EVERYTHING. I heard Jon talking with her the other day, he was basically pleading with her to not get into the cupboards because he didn't want to have to "baby proof" everything... well, as you can see, she didn't listen very well!

Thank you Lindsey (Anabelle's occupational therapist) and Michelle (Anabelle's physical therapist) for teaching her how to make messes in our house! Clean houses are overrated anyway!!!

I love you baby girl, and I can't mention Bella without telling Sadie how much I love her too. Sajie, I am still so in awe of you... she looks just like you huh?!

Oh, and side note, that's not lipstick, she found a marker and decided to suck on it. Good job Amber (Anabelle's speech/feeding therapist) for teaching her to put things in her mouth!!!

"We're Getting the Red Out"

Okay so if you missed it, my last blog was about the Cardinal's and how our family got in the spirit of things for the big game. You will notice that in a couple of pictures I have my boys hair colored red down the middle. On Wednesday there was still some red remaining in their hair and as I was getting some house things done I heard the bathroom water running in the boys bathroom. I went in to see what was going on and when I asked them what they were doing they responded "we're getting the red out mom". I thought that it was harmless, they had their water and their towels and were rubbing away at the red so I let it go. About 20 minutes later I heard them playing in their playroom so I went in the bathroom to see what the damage was. To my surprise it was still pretty clean, except for the globs of hair that were everywhere... then I noticed the scissors. I yelled for the boys to come in the bathroom and explain themselves and when they walked in I just burst into laughter. This is how they got the "red out"...

They CUT it out!
When I finally pulled myself together and asked them what they were doing they simply replies, "mom, we told you we were getting the red out"... and so they did!!!

My Team... the Cards!

I finally have a football team

I've never been committed to a football team before but I finally have my team...

GO CARDINALS!

And because I'm so competitive I've claimed that the Cardinals are my kids' team as well! I had to get the family all Cardinal-ed out and ready for the big game... even Jon dressed accordingly (even though he insisted on wearing his dolphin attire underneath).

Although they weren't able to bring home the Superbowl trophy, I'm still really proud of them, and did you see that game? It was unbelievable! Next year we'll be back... and hopefully we'll be playing the dolphins... that may just cause a divorce in the Jolley family!!

Upward and Onward

So many "adventures" in Wickenburg, Arizona. I only knew these girls for a short time but in that time they learned EVERYTHING there is to know about me and loved me anyway... and I love them. I miss you all and wish you girls the best of luck fighting your disorders. WE CAN DO IT!

As for the pictures, they kind of give me the creeps. I've never had to work so hard in my life as I did there... and I'm learning that Remuda was just the beginning. I have to fight everyday and it's hard. I struggle all the time but I've learned how to deal with those struggles in real ways. I have SO MUCH SUPPORT and so much love in my life, I'm so lucky and so grateful. There wasn't ONE DAY that went by that I didn't recieve a letter or a package from someone, not a single day.

So many of you have wondered how I am doing and have called or emailed me or posted stuff, well I'm doing alright. I don't know how else to put it. It's been a crazy transition to be back in the "real world" and it's very difficult to not fall into old patterns... but now that my body is healthy and my liver is restored, it's time to keep going.

Thank you for all of you that have shared your personal struggles of life with me. It's so nice to know that I'm not the only one that has "a problem"... we may have different problems but it's the same fight... and I'm here.

Love you all, thanks for caring, thanks for praying, thanks for everything! Now no more Remuda posts... YEAH!