Overcoming Reno by Brayden Jolley

Overcoming Reno

by: Brayden Jolley

So, I accidentally erased this original post… then I swore… now I'm just rewriting Brayden's homework that he wrote at school last week.  I'm so mad I erased this… doesn't blogger have a backup for people who don't know what they are doing like me???

"As Brayden's mom came back from Reno where the terrible plane crash happened.  Brayden and his brother Jack ran over and kept asking her if she was ok.  "Our you alright?  Did the plane hit you?  Are you scared, mad or sad?"  "Yes, I'm okay, just sad."  Suddenly the fear of Brayden began.

Every year Brayden begged his mom not to go.  "Please don't go! It might happen again and this time you might die."  "No I won't."  "Okay, just watch out."  As she left Brayden wondered if she would come back.

The next three years Brayden has been scared about his mom leaving but she never got hurt.  So Brayden began to think that nothing would happen to her so he never got scared about her leaving to Reno."

To sum it up… again, this makes me sad.  And confused.  But, I don't doubt that I am doing the right thing by going year after year and facing something that can be so scary for me… and, making my kids face something that can be so scary for them too.

Brayden has one big heart.  Always has.  Hope he keeps it his whole life.

(Oh, and Mandy, I won't post those scary pictures, just for you!)

Jack and the Principal are BFF's

This is an email I sent to Jack's teacher this morning, I think it captures what I wanted it to… 

Hey Mrs. Burgess,

So I had to share this funny experience we had at the Jolley home the other night.  My oldest son, Brayden, was complaining about math and asked me if he could be tutored in math after school.  I told him that I would look into it and see if I could schedule it the same time as Bella's tutoring... just then Jack chimed in and said, "yeah mom, I need tutoring too, I'm getting an S- in citizenship and I need to be tutored in that!".  I about died laughing and later, once I caught my breath, explained to him that citizenship focuses on doing what you are suppose to be doing, keeping the rules, not talking when your teacher is talking, and having a good attitude.  I told him we could "tutor" him at home but mostly, he has to control his impulses!  Anyway, I thought you may get a little kick out of that!

 TC Jolley

 The attitude just rolls off my Jack in this picture!

Oh the laughs I have everyday because of my kids.  I truly love this phase of life with them… they are at such great ages.  

Brave Hearts

Yeah, I beat the "it's been a year since I last wrote" mark by a day!  WOO-HOO!  So I'm writing, mostly because I gave my blog address out to some amazing women and I feel like maybe I should let them know that yes, although it has ALMOST been a year, I still write… occasionally!  I have so much to say but I'm not in a place or mindful orginazation and peace so I won't start.  In the meantime, welcome new friends, if you are reading this then I guess you stopped by!  Also, to my old and faithful followers, if you still follow my blog, you are the most patient, enduring type!  My thought for the day…

BE BRAVE

I hope to be a more consistent writer soon.  I have so much to talk about!!!

Love ya, Tice

Listen

So last night I lay in bed.  I thought about getting up and posting something on my blog (nothing imparticular) but I reminded myself that I am NOT suppose to get out of bed even if I'm NOT falling asleep, even if I'm NOT feeling a inkling of falling asleep, even if I'm WIDE awake watching the clock move on not even BLINKING because I'm feeling so awake.  Stupid insomnia. Regardless, I obediently stayed in bed and strangly enough, I think I was alseep before midnight!  Strange.  I really didn't think I was going to fall asleep.  Stupid insomnia.

With that said, I woke up early... and abruptly.  Bad dream.  Like, make a note in my planner (yes I still use a Franklin every so often), make a note on ALL of my sticky post-its that are sparatically spread throughout my house, make a note in my journal, on my blog, tell my husband... DON'T FORGET.  Here's the thing about "my dreams"... (and here comes my first opportunity to drive any, if not all, of my handful of readers away)... I don't really dream.  With that said, how would one know if they dream alot?  Well I never thought much of it at all, that is, until I was married and my lovely husband woke up EVERY . SINGLE . MORNING with wide eyes eargly waiting for me to wake up enough to digest all his descriptions of the many adventures he had been on that night (and what the randomness is he dreaming about anyway... like Never Ending Story random).  "And then I was talking to Yoda and then I was all of the sudden up to bat at The World Series and then I was in a play and Paul Winkleman was yelling at Benny and Quinn and Trisha were singing Bette Midler and..."  Oh the stories this dreamer has... and they are litereally EVERY . NIGHT!  So, I started asking other people if they dream.  Some told me they dream everynight, like Jon.  Others told me they never remember their dreams.  Some were like me, only in a very blue moon did they dream.  But mostly, from those I asked, people seemed to dream a bit more than I do.  

So back to my opportunity to scare some people away.  So when I dream, I tend to have pretty relevant dreams.  Like, dreams that you don't want to ignore, six sense, Allison Dubuois dreams.  Don't think I'm crazy, I think it runs in the family and without "outting" any other dreamers, my grandma has the same sort of... thing (wait, did I just out my grandma right after I mentioned I wasn't going to out anyone... and wait, am I not using my pinky finder to scroll back over this and change it... yeah, I guess I'm not too worried!).  So this thing has probably only happened less than 8 times in my entire life.  Everytime I have listened.  Not because I'm this intuitively spiritual giant, rather because I get SCARED.  Nothing motivates like fear right?!  So last night I had one of "those" dreams.  They aren't dreams that when awoken, I just shrug it off and go back to bed.  Forgive me if my dream last night is too fresh to share with cyberspace right now but here's a dream I have shared with a number of people over the years about the choice that didn't seem like much of a choice (more like just what was going to happen and what was suppose to happen) to adopt Anabelle.  If you haven't heard the story you can read about my sweet little girl here.  

So, now that some time has passed (like over 5 years) I guess I feel okay about sharing this to a broad audience.  One morning I woke up and said those words to Jon that he inevitably says to me EVERY . SINGLE . MORNING.  "honey, I had a strange dream last night".  Jon's eyebrows lifted (he doesn't know what to do when I steal his lines) so he stole my line "tell me about your dream".  And so I did, I just said it.  "I had a dream that Sadie had a baby, a little girl, and we adopted her".  BOOM.  I said it, I could never deny it (although I wanted to a dozen times).  It was out there.  And more than the actual words being said out loud, there was the dream.  It was more than a dream, it was too impactful to just be a dream.  It was too detailed and WAY TOO EMOTIONAL than the dreams Jon described to me about his conversations with Luke Skywalker.  This seemed very real.  Scary real.  But I told myself, it was just a dream.  Nothing more.  Plus Sadie wasn't even pregnant.  Oh wait, she was... like 4 months pregnant, we just didn't know about it.  No one did.  She was scared and hiding her pregnancy and since she didn't live at home, it wasn't hard to keep it from our family.  

Then my dream turned into a thought that I would have while I was on my morning runs simply listening to great music and escaping the hectic world enjoying "me time" before the day started and I would think, just a small thought, about that dream and before I knew what was happening I would be walking, unable to run because of the emotion that would overtake me in thinking about that little girl.  I would look up at the cloudless Arizona sky and shout through my thoughts, "this is crazy.  It was just a dream.  I will NOT be looking into this.  I will NOT be following up on this.  Sadie isn't pregnant... and even if she was, I would NOT do something as crazy stupid as an "in-family-adoption".  That is just crazy.  It's willingly jumping into a MESS of MESSINESS." and with that, I would start running again.  But this happened more than a few times.  Too many times to ignore.

To make a long story... less long.  I never told Sadie about my dream and at 5 months pregnant she told the family she was having a baby.  I exchanged glances with Jon, my parents and Milli whom I had told about my dream.  When Sadie found out she was having a girl she told me over the phone.  She cried.  She cried because she knew she couldn't raise this little angle.  She knew she was going to have to find a family for this little girl.  I listened to her on the phone and I didn't say a word about what I was feeling, I just listened and cried with her.  I was NOT going to do this so I was thinking of the niece I would never get to know and I mourned for that little girl... but I was NOT NOT NOT going to adopt this baby.

Then, when Sadie was 7 months pregnant, after having met with 2 families and still meeting with 2 more later in the week, I got a phone call.  My sweet sister, in her stretched out body, said to me... "Tice, I'm looking at this long list of things I want this little girl to have in her new family and... well, it's you and Jon" and I'm thinking, what are you doing?  where are you going with this?  please stop talking... "would you and Jon EVER consider adopting this little girl?"

I wish I could say at that moment I fell apart and told Sadie about my dream and we cried and I told her we would adopt this baby... well I could tell you that I guess... but it's not true.  I calmly told her, "well, I'll talk to Jon about it when he gets home from work"... like she was asking us if we could babysit her dog while she went out of town or if she could borrow our car for a week... what the what?!?!?!  But I didn't know what else to say because I was uncomfortable.  I was a little angry too.  I was watching this miracle unfold in front of me and I was too scared to let it happen and just enjoy it.  

Anabelle has been such a blessing in my life and the life of our family and with 1 month preparation we prayed, consulted ALL family members to see how they felt, hired attorneys, signed the paperwork and got to Utah just in time for her birth.  Then we named her Anabelle, which means "easy to love".  Perfect. 

We've had our struggles and trials.  Bella has Cerebral Palsy and some other health issues that keep me busy meeting with doctors and specialists.  But it's crazy for me to think that I ever fought such a wonderful thing.  She is AMAZING.  Simply.  

And now I don't fight.  I listen.  Eagerly.

Unique Life

It's been 2 days. Two full days that all 3 of my kids have been in school. Well people, it didn't take me long to get over my sadness and start feeling the reality of how much FREEDOM I have!!! I almost feel guilty for having so much time to do WHATEVER I want to do.

Right now I'm working on organizing and planning the DP Air "Reno Air Races" event. Yes, I quit my job in November, but I was thrilled when they asked me to do this event. Mostly because of the connection I have to the races and the people that were with me last year when that beautiful P-51 Mustang crashed 35 feet away from my seat. I think it was very sensitive and thoughtful of DP Air to ask me to organize it again (although, I'm still a bit in shock that it's actually happening again this year). So, that is keeping me busy... even still, I have never had this much FREEDOM! I'm also staying busy with my church calling. With the Primary Program scheduled for September 30th, I'm in the trenches of making sure all the kiddos know the songs. Oh, I probably should mention that I'm the Primary Chorister (which I absolutely love).

So, I'm keeping myself occupied for now. I have realized that I'm a person that feels very satisfied when I am busy. Idol time scares the CRAPOLA out of me. I am hoping to get better at enjoying idol time. I need to feel comfy in my own skin when I am relaxing. I don't know what it is about running around all day in a mass confusion that makes me feel like I have "accomplished" something when I put my head on my pillow at night. Honestly, I'm WAY too far on that side of thinking... it's unhealthy. So, I'm going to start (or I've already started) doing a little meditation (I just reminded myself of my mom, this is something she would say... I call her a "witch doctor"). Because of my ongoing knee issues, I started trying new ways of getting the "runners high". This process was NOT FUN for me at all. I like to run because it's moving and fast and intense (I just realized that my literal running and my earlier explanation of only feeling satisfied when I am moving ALL the time, relate). Interesting (oh crap, my mom always says "interesting"). Anyway, I tried all different types of things. I tried biking (still hurt my knee), roller blading (why did I think I could roller blade if I can't run?), power yoga, yoga, pilates, yogalates (or whatever you call it when yoga and pilates are combined), pilates on the reformer, I tried group core classes, zumba, swimming (or in my case drowning), step classes, lifting, etc... I tried a variety of workouts, and I wasn't finding what I needed. Then there was Groupon (imagine a light beaming from above lighting up this word... and of course, heavenly music).

Groupon had a deal (which is a repetitive statement) . Something like 10 bikram yoga classes for $30... normally they are $30 a class... so I thought, I'm in. Done and done. Okay, I'm so happy to took the plunge because I LOVE BIKRAM YOGA. The room is anywhere from 100-110 degrees so pretty early in the class I was feeling that "beyond human" feeling that I found with running. I love sweating and stretching and man, it's hard. But alas, my 10 sessions came to an end. So, I'm back to figuring out what to do that doesn't break the bank!! However, in my endless search, I kinda fell in love with yoga. So (back to sounding like my mom) I have discovered the importance of meditation in my personal life. It feels good. It's like a "time-out" for me and it fuels me a lot. So, I'm declaring, to all 3 of my readers, that I am going to find a way to work meditation into my day, EVERY DAY. (the three of you reading this better follow up with me to keep me in line).

In the meantime, do any of you have any thing that you can share about the ways you stay on "full" rather than on "empty" (and if anyone says "running" I'm coming after you!!)?  I like discovering new things.

Okay, so on a random mom note:

What I want to jot down about the first days of school for my kids: I notice that I am a lot, I mean A LOT, more excited to see them when they get home, then they are to see me. I notice that I am ready to play or chat or whatever... just give them my all, but they are too tired and they are sending off some pretty obvious signals that I may be annoying them... this is new. I'm normally the one annoyed! So this change in roles seems to be taking place. The change where kids think their parents are so incredibly awesome and parents think their kids are... well, annoying. I'm starting to see little pieces of a reverse roll happening, and I'm not sure how I feel about it! I'm sure, if I give it time, the kids will get use to their schedules and not be so wasted when they get home and maybe, just maybe, they will want to TELL ME ABOUT THEIR DAY... sigh!

Life is hard. Life is good. Life is sad. Life is happy and joyful. Life is confusing. Life is clear. Everyday, and I mean it, every.single.day. is unique. I'm learning that unique means new... never ever the same as before. So, don't be too hard on yourself for not knowing what to do everyday, even though I'm 31, this is the first time I have experienced life today, so I need help. We all do. I find that my worst enemy is often the thoughts I let mush around in my head telling me how I should be better than I am being. Nope, not going to let these voices go on forever... stopping them slowly but surely. So, be nice to yourself today, it's like all of our "first day"... it's the first time for the expected and unexpected. If you mess up, don't be hard on yourself because now you know and you'll do a little better the next time you find yourself in a similar (not exact) situation... I read a quote today, "we become what we want to be by consistently being what we want to become each day" -Richard G. Scott

So give yourself a break and give those around you a break. If the people in my life who love me didn't give me the benefit while I try to figure things out... well, I'd be lost.

I'm off to meditating (there's my moms voice again)! Have a great Friday!

no regrets?... that's impossible

Today is the first day of school for my kids.  This time, it's all three of my kids that are in full day school.  I feel nervous and a bit anxious and even a little sad.  Don't get me wrong, I'm sure after these initial emotions pass and our routine sets in, I'm sure I'll be thrilled with the amount of free time I have.  I mean, I have a lot of plans that I've been sitting on for years waiting for this day, but in the meantime, I feel strange.

In my life I've experienced a wide variety of different emotions and feelings.  One of my least favorite, if not my absolute least favorite, is the feeling of regret.  In my desperate attempt to never feel regret I have lived some of my life in fear... I guess I feel more comfortable feeling afraid then feeling regret.  So on this particular day, as I send my boys to school on their own (they wanted to walk all by themselves) and watch my 4 year old baby girl get on her bus, I am slammed with the feeling that all three of my most treasured possessions are off in the big world without me to watch them and physically guide them 5 of the 7 days a week.

I wasn't prepared for the thoughts and questions that so randomly flooded my mind.  Did I do enough?  (probably not).  Did I teach them all that I needed to? (absolutely not).  Did I make the most of every moment I had with them? (um, not even close).  So, although I know that it is impossible to answer those questions with a firm "YES", I still feel a little regret.  I could have done more.  I mean, I really COULD have (not to be mistaken with SHOULD have).  However, as I battle walking the thin line of guilt verses shame, I refuse to feel ashamed.  Shame is bad.  Guilt is okay to feel... or so I've been told numerous times by numerous therapists!

So, from this guilt that I'm feeling, from this regret, I guess all I can do is change what I'm going to do to do from today forward.

Some goals I will be aiming for, but that I will keep an open-mind with, are:

-Morning family prayers (would I send my kids to school in the winter without a coat? heavens no, so why would I ever send them without a prayer? i wont)

-Have my "TC" stuff (projects, work, housework, grocery shopping, cleaning, etc...) done and done by 3:00 (when the kids get home) so that I can be completely theirs.  Come on, if I can't get my "stuff" done from 8:00-3:00 then I need to re-assess!

I'm not going to go all "TC control freak" and set more goals then that... because I'm starting to know myself better, and that is never really a good thing for me to do!  So, that's easy enough right?  Hopefully I will fill better about all these changes.  They are good changes, this is all good right?  I mean, my kids are growing up right before my eyes... and I'm pretty proud of the little people they are becoming.  So, this is all good.

I love my kids.  I love my family.  Sometimes I wish I could lock all the people I love away and keep them safe and protected in a happy little bubble... but that sounds vaguely familiar to a plan I voted against before I was even born.  I get it, I get why there is a plus side to taking away ones agency... but, I know that if I actually did that, I would be handicapping the people that I love so much.  So, Letice Jones Jolley.... LET GO.  LET GO.  LET GO... and when you figure out just how to LET GO... give me a call and teach me your secrets!

(mom notes)

Brayden - Forth Grade with Mrs. Adams

Brayden's imagination is always in full-force.  Although he likes playing the wii with his friends and his dad and brother, he would prefer a make-believe game anytime (as long as he's the inventer of the game!).  Brayden is so tender hearted but he also will let you know when he is mad (and sometimes he says hurtful things) but because his heart out weighs any other part of who he is, he always comes back with a tear-filled, tender-hearted apology.  Brayden is a good leader and a good brother.

(mom notes)

Jack - Second Grade with Mr. G

Jack is my cuddler... surprise, surprise!  Jack was, by far, the hardest toddler in the entire world so this new boy that has been around for a couple of years, is a nice surprise!!!  Jack is actually the easiest, meaning lowest maintanance, child in the family.  Jack's "go with the flow" personality is a great addition to our crazy family.  Jack and I have a strong connection and Jack's loyalty has caused fights with other family members as he sticks up for me!!!  Jack is the FUNNIEST kid I know, and part of what makes him funny is he has no clue that he is funny!  I am so excited to see what this year has in store for my sensitive and sweet Jack Jolley boy!

(mom notes)

Bella - Kindergarten with Mrs. Nowicki

Holy cow this girl is already a teenager!  She is currently holding the record of "most stubborn" in our family (even more stubborn than I am)!  Bella is so sweet and says the wittiest (is that a word) things!  The other day I asked her if she remembered her teachers name, she couldn't, so I gave her a little hint by saying, "It's Mrs.???" and she got the "ah-ha" look on her face and said, "oh, Mrs....sippy!".  This girl is smart!  She remembers EVERYTHING with great detail.  I can't wait to hear about all her stories and adventures!

time will tell

Am I back? I guess time will tell. I've felt this burning desire to get back to writing. Not just any writing, I suppose, more "real" writing. I find that I love reading blogs that revolve around people's realities. I guess my self esteem gets a bit beat up after reading one to many blogs about people who never seem to struggle... eventually I feel like something is wrong with me because I do struggle... so, I'm just going to write. Write whatever I want to write. Write whatever I feel. Write things that don't sound "politically correct". Write incorrectly without stopping to fix my puntuation or make my pictures line up or make things pretty. That part of blogging is probably what made me stop. I couldn't keep up. But now (and I know how this is going to sound) that I am getting older, kinda growing out of the "twenty phase", I'm realizing more about me and more about how things work, or don't work, and I guess "keeping up" has become somewhat insignificant to me.

First things first, I have to decide who, if anyone, I'm going to share this blog with. I mean, sharing a blog is a big deal to me. Other then the fun posts about family vacations and the cute things my kids do on a daily basis, this is a journal. And it's my journal. And it's not really up for debate because it's me and how I feel. Watching someone learn and grow can sometimes be an ugly thing to watch, I have learned that. I just have to keep reminding myself that even though I'm getting old, this is the first time in my life that I have been in the situation that I find myself in today, and tomorrow and next week... so it's okay to do it wrong, as long as I keep trying. And that's the plan, to keep trying.