Wednesday, October 24, 2012

Listen

So last night I lay in bed.  I thought about getting up and posting something on my blog (nothing imparticular) but I reminded myself that I am NOT suppose to get out of bed even if I'm NOT falling asleep, even if I'm NOT feeling a inkling of falling asleep, even if I'm WIDE awake watching the clock move on not even BLINKING because I'm feeling so awake.  Stupid insomnia. Regardless, I obediently stayed in bed and strangly enough, I think I was alseep before midnight!  Strange.  I really didn't think I was going to fall asleep.  Stupid insomnia.

With that said, I woke up early... and abruptly.  Bad dream.  Like, make a note in my planner (yes I still use a Franklin every so often), make a note on ALL of my sticky post-its that are sparatically spread throughout my house, make a note in my journal, on my blog, tell my husband... DON'T FORGET.  Here's the thing about "my dreams"... (and here comes my first opportunity to drive any, if not all, of my handful of readers away)... I don't really dream.  With that said, how would one know if they dream alot?  Well I never thought much of it at all, that is, until I was married and my lovely husband woke up EVERY . SINGLE . MORNING with wide eyes eargly waiting for me to wake up enough to digest all his descriptions of the many adventures he had been on that night (and what the randomness is he dreaming about anyway... like Never Ending Story random).  "And then I was talking to Yoda and then I was all of the sudden up to bat at The World Series and then I was in a play and Paul Winkleman was yelling at Benny and Quinn and Trisha were singing Bette Midler and..."  Oh the stories this dreamer has... and they are litereally EVERY . NIGHT!  So, I started asking other people if they dream.  Some told me they dream everynight, like Jon.  Others told me they never remember their dreams.  Some were like me, only in a very blue moon did they dream.  But mostly, from those I asked, people seemed to dream a bit more than I do.  

So back to my opportunity to scare some people away.  So when I dream, I tend to have pretty relevant dreams.  Like, dreams that you don't want to ignore, six sense, Allison Dubuois dreams.  Don't think I'm crazy, I think it runs in the family and without "outting" any other dreamers, my grandma has the same sort of... thing (wait, did I just out my grandma right after I mentioned I wasn't going to out anyone... and wait, am I not using my pinky finder to scroll back over this and change it... yeah, I guess I'm not too worried!).  So this thing has probably only happened less than 8 times in my entire life.  Everytime I have listened.  Not because I'm this intuitively spiritual giant, rather because I get SCARED.  Nothing motivates like fear right?!  So last night I had one of "those" dreams.  They aren't dreams that when awoken, I just shrug it off and go back to bed.  Forgive me if my dream last night is too fresh to share with cyberspace right now but here's a dream I have shared with a number of people over the years about the choice that didn't seem like much of a choice (more like just what was going to happen and what was suppose to happen) to adopt Anabelle.  If you haven't heard the story you can read about my sweet little girl here.  

So, now that some time has passed (like over 5 years) I guess I feel okay about sharing this to a broad audience.  One morning I woke up and said those words to Jon that he inevitably says to me EVERY . SINGLE . MORNING.  "honey, I had a strange dream last night".  Jon's eyebrows lifted (he doesn't know what to do when I steal his lines) so he stole my line "tell me about your dream".  And so I did, I just said it.  "I had a dream that Sadie had a baby, a little girl, and we adopted her".  BOOM.  I said it, I could never deny it (although I wanted to a dozen times).  It was out there.  And more than the actual words being said out loud, there was the dream.  It was more than a dream, it was too impactful to just be a dream.  It was too detailed and WAY TOO EMOTIONAL than the dreams Jon described to me about his conversations with Luke Skywalker.  This seemed very real.  Scary real.  But I told myself, it was just a dream.  Nothing more.  Plus Sadie wasn't even pregnant.  Oh wait, she was... like 4 months pregnant, we just didn't know about it.  No one did.  She was scared and hiding her pregnancy and since she didn't live at home, it wasn't hard to keep it from our family.  

Then my dream turned into a thought that I would have while I was on my morning runs simply listening to great music and escaping the hectic world enjoying "me time" before the day started and I would think, just a small thought, about that dream and before I knew what was happening I would be walking, unable to run because of the emotion that would overtake me in thinking about that little girl.  I would look up at the cloudless Arizona sky and shout through my thoughts, "this is crazy.  It was just a dream.  I will NOT be looking into this.  I will NOT be following up on this.  Sadie isn't pregnant... and even if she was, I would NOT do something as crazy stupid as an "in-family-adoption".  That is just crazy.  It's willingly jumping into a MESS of MESSINESS." and with that, I would start running again.  But this happened more than a few times.  Too many times to ignore.

To make a long story... less long.  I never told Sadie about my dream and at 5 months pregnant she told the family she was having a baby.  I exchanged glances with Jon, my parents and Milli whom I had told about my dream.  When Sadie found out she was having a girl she told me over the phone.  She cried.  She cried because she knew she couldn't raise this little angle.  She knew she was going to have to find a family for this little girl.  I listened to her on the phone and I didn't say a word about what I was feeling, I just listened and cried with her.  I was NOT going to do this so I was thinking of the niece I would never get to know and I mourned for that little girl... but I was NOT NOT NOT going to adopt this baby.

Then, when Sadie was 7 months pregnant, after having met with 2 families and still meeting with 2 more later in the week, I got a phone call.  My sweet sister, in her stretched out body, said to me... "Tice, I'm looking at this long list of things I want this little girl to have in her new family and... well, it's you and Jon" and I'm thinking, what are you doing?  where are you going with this?  please stop talking... "would you and Jon EVER consider adopting this little girl?"

I wish I could say at that moment I fell apart and told Sadie about my dream and we cried and I told her we would adopt this baby... well I could tell you that I guess... but it's not true.  I calmly told her, "well, I'll talk to Jon about it when he gets home from work"... like she was asking us if we could babysit her dog while she went out of town or if she could borrow our car for a week... what the what?!?!?!  But I didn't know what else to say because I was uncomfortable.  I was a little angry too.  I was watching this miracle unfold in front of me and I was too scared to let it happen and just enjoy it.  

Anabelle has been such a blessing in my life and the life of our family and with 1 month preparation we prayed, consulted ALL family members to see how they felt, hired attorneys, signed the paperwork and got to Utah just in time for her birth.  Then we named her Anabelle, which means "easy to love".  Perfect. 

We've had our struggles and trials.  Bella has Cerebral Palsy and some other health issues that keep me busy meeting with doctors and specialists.  But it's crazy for me to think that I ever fought such a wonderful thing.  She is AMAZING.  Simply.  




And now I don't fight.  I listen.  Eagerly.

Friday, August 10, 2012

Unique Life

It's been 2 days. Two full days that all 3 of my kids have been in school. Well people, it didn't take me long to get over my sadness and start feeling the reality of how much FREEDOM I have!!! I almost feel guilty for having so much time to do WHATEVER I want to do.

Right now I'm working on organizing and planning the DP Air "Reno Air Races" event. Yes, I quit my job in November, but I was thrilled when they asked me to do this event. Mostly because of the connection I have to the races and the people that were with me last year when that beautiful P-51 Mustang crashed 35 feet away from my seat. I think it was very sensitive and thoughtful of DP Air to ask me to organize it again (although, I'm still a bit in shock that it's actually happening again this year). So, that is keeping me busy... even still, I have never had this much FREEDOM! I'm also staying busy with my church calling. With the Primary Program scheduled for September 30th, I'm in the trenches of making sure all the kiddos know the songs. Oh, I probably should mention that I'm the Primary Chorister (which I absolutely love).

So, I'm keeping myself occupied for now. I have realized that I'm a person that feels very satisfied when I am busy. Idol time scares the CRAPOLA out of me. I am hoping to get better at enjoying idol time. I need to feel comfy in my own skin when I am relaxing. I don't know what it is about running around all day in a mass confusion that makes me feel like I have "accomplished" something when I put my head on my pillow at night. Honestly, I'm WAY too far on that side of thinking... it's unhealthy. So, I'm going to start (or I've already started) doing a little meditation (I just reminded myself of my mom, this is something she would say... I call her a "witch doctor"). Because of my ongoing knee issues, I started trying new ways of getting the "runners high". This process was NOT FUN for me at all. I like to run because it's moving and fast and intense (I just realized that my literal running and my earlier explanation of only feeling satisfied when I am moving ALL the time, relate). Interesting (oh crap, my mom always says "interesting"). Anyway, I tried all different types of things. I tried biking (still hurt my knee), roller blading (why did I think I could roller blade if I can't run?), power yoga, yoga, pilates, yogalates (or whatever you call it when yoga and pilates are combined), pilates on the reformer, I tried group core classes, zumba, swimming (or in my case drowning), step classes, lifting, etc... I tried a variety of workouts, and I wasn't finding what I needed. Then there was Groupon (imagine a light beaming from above lighting up this word... and of course, heavenly music).

Groupon had a deal (which is a repetitive statement) . Something like 10 bikram yoga classes for $30... normally they are $30 a class... so I thought, I'm in. Done and done. Okay, I'm so happy to took the plunge because I LOVE BIKRAM YOGA. The room is anywhere from 100-110 degrees so pretty early in the class I was feeling that "beyond human" feeling that I found with running. I love sweating and stretching and man, it's hard. But alas, my 10 sessions came to an end. So, I'm back to figuring out what to do that doesn't break the bank!! However, in my endless search, I kinda fell in love with yoga. So (back to sounding like my mom) I have discovered the importance of meditation in my personal life. It feels good. It's like a "time-out" for me and it fuels me a lot. So, I'm declaring, to all 3 of my readers, that I am going to find a way to work meditation into my day, EVERY DAY. (the three of you reading this better follow up with me to keep me in line).

In the meantime, do any of you have any thing that you can share about the ways you stay on "full" rather than on "empty" (and if anyone says "running" I'm coming after you!!)?  I like discovering new things.

Okay, so on a random mom note:

What I want to jot down about the first days of school for my kids: I notice that I am a lot, I mean A LOT, more excited to see them when they get home, then they are to see me. I notice that I am ready to play or chat or whatever... just give them my all, but they are too tired and they are sending off some pretty obvious signals that I may be annoying them... this is new. I'm normally the one annoyed! So this change in roles seems to be taking place. The change where kids think their parents are so incredibly awesome and parents think their kids are... well, annoying. I'm starting to see little pieces of a reverse roll happening, and I'm not sure how I feel about it! I'm sure, if I give it time, the kids will get use to their schedules and not be so wasted when they get home and maybe, just maybe, they will want to TELL ME ABOUT THEIR DAY... sigh!

Life is hard. Life is good. Life is sad. Life is happy and joyful. Life is confusing. Life is clear. Everyday, and I mean it, every.single.day. is unique. I'm learning that unique means new... never ever the same as before. So, don't be too hard on yourself for not knowing what to do everyday, even though I'm 31, this is the first time I have experienced life today, so I need help. We all do. I find that my worst enemy is often the thoughts I let mush around in my head telling me how I should be better than I am being. Nope, not going to let these voices go on forever... stopping them slowly but surely. So, be nice to yourself today, it's like all of our "first day"... it's the first time for the expected and unexpected. If you mess up, don't be hard on yourself because now you know and you'll do a little better the next time you find yourself in a similar (not exact) situation... I read a quote today, "we become what we want to be by consistently being what we want to become each day" -Richard G. Scott

So give yourself a break and give those around you a break. If the people in my life who love me didn't give me the benefit while I try to figure things out... well, I'd be lost.

I'm off to meditating (there's my moms voice again)! Have a great Friday!

Wednesday, August 8, 2012

no regrets?... that's impossible



Today is the first day of school for my kids.  This time, it's all three of my kids that are in full day school.  I feel nervous and a bit anxious and even a little sad.  Don't get me wrong, I'm sure after these initial emotions pass and our routine sets in, I'm sure I'll be thrilled with the amount of free time I have.  I mean, I have a lot of plans that I've been sitting on for years waiting for this day, but in the meantime, I feel strange.

In my life I've experienced a wide variety of different emotions and feelings.  One of my least favorite, if not my absolute least favorite, is the feeling of regret.  In my desperate attempt to never feel regret I have lived some of my life in fear... I guess I feel more comfortable feeling afraid then feeling regret.  So on this particular day, as I send my boys to school on their own (they wanted to walk all by themselves) and watch my 4 year old baby girl get on her bus, I am slammed with the feeling that all three of my most treasured possessions are off in the big world without me to watch them and physically guide them 5 of the 7 days a week.

I wasn't prepared for the thoughts and questions that so randomly flooded my mind.  Did I do enough?  (probably not).  Did I teach them all that I needed to? (absolutely not).  Did I make the most of every moment I had with them? (um, not even close).  So, although I know that it is impossible to answer those questions with a firm "YES", I still feel a little regret.  I could have done more.  I mean, I really COULD have (not to be mistaken with SHOULD have).  However, as I battle walking the thin line of guilt verses shame, I refuse to feel ashamed.  Shame is bad.  Guilt is okay to feel... or so I've been told numerous times by numerous therapists!

So, from this guilt that I'm feeling, from this regret, I guess all I can do is change what I'm going to do to do from today forward.

Some goals I will be aiming for, but that I will keep an open-mind with, are:
-Morning family prayers (would I send my kids to school in the winter without a coat? heavens no, so why would I ever send them without a prayer? i wont)
-Have my "TC" stuff (projects, work, housework, grocery shopping, cleaning, etc...) done and done by 3:00 (when the kids get home) so that I can be completely theirs.  Come on, if I can't get my "stuff" done from 8:00-3:00 then I need to re-assess!

I'm not going to go all "TC control freak" and set more goals then that... because I'm starting to know myself better, and that is never really a good thing for me to do!  So, that's easy enough right?  Hopefully I will fill better about all these changes.  They are good changes, this is all good right?  I mean, my kids are growing up right before my eyes... and I'm pretty proud of the little people they are becoming.  So, this is all good.

I love my kids.  I love my family.  Sometimes I wish I could lock all the people I love away and keep them safe and protected in a happy little bubble... but that sounds vaguely familiar to a plan I voted against before I was even born.  I get it, I get why there is a plus side to taking away ones agency... but, I know that if I actually did that, I would be handicapping the people that I love so much.  So, Letice Jones Jolley.... LET GO.  LET GO.  LET GO... and when you figure out just how to LET GO... give me a call and teach me your secrets!


(mom notes)
Brayden - Forth Grade with Mrs. Adams
Brayden's imagination is always in full-force.  Although he likes playing the wii with his friends and his dad and brother, he would prefer a make-believe game anytime (as long as he's the inventer of the game!).  Brayden is so tender hearted but he also will let you know when he is mad (and sometimes he says hurtful things) but because his heart out weighs any other part of who he is, he always comes back with a tear-filled, tender-hearted apology.  Brayden is a good leader and a good brother.

(mom notes)
Jack - Second Grade with Mr. G
Jack is my cuddler... surprise, surprise!  Jack was, by far, the hardest toddler in the entire world so this new boy that has been around for a couple of years, is a nice surprise!!!  Jack is actually the easiest, meaning lowest maintanance, child in the family.  Jack's "go with the flow" personality is a great addition to our crazy family.  Jack and I have a strong connection and Jack's loyalty has caused fights with other family members as he sticks up for me!!!  Jack is the FUNNIEST kid I know, and part of what makes him funny is he has no clue that he is funny!  I am so excited to see what this year has in store for my sensitive and sweet Jack Jolley boy!

(mom notes)
Bella - Kindergarten with Mrs. Nowicki
Holy cow this girl is already a teenager!  She is currently holding the record of "most stubborn" in our family (even more stubborn than I am)!  Bella is so sweet and says the wittiest (is that a word) things!  The other day I asked her if she remembered her teachers name, she couldn't, so I gave her a little hint by saying, "It's Mrs.???" and she got the "ah-ha" look on her face and said, "oh, Mrs....sippy!".  This girl is smart!  She remembers EVERYTHING with great detail.  I can't wait to hear about all her stories and adventures!

Thursday, July 26, 2012

time will tell

Am I back? I guess time will tell. I've felt this burning desire to get back to writing. Not just any writing, I suppose, more "real" writing. I find that I love reading blogs that revolve around people's realities. I guess my self esteem gets a bit beat up after reading one to many blogs about people who never seem to struggle... eventually I feel like something is wrong with me because I do struggle... so, I'm just going to write. Write whatever I want to write. Write whatever I feel. Write things that don't sound "politically correct". Write incorrectly without stopping to fix my puntuation or make my pictures line up or make things pretty. That part of blogging is probably what made me stop. I couldn't keep up. But now (and I know how this is going to sound) that I am getting older, kinda growing out of the "twenty phase", I'm realizing more about me and more about how things work, or don't work, and I guess "keeping up" has become somewhat insignificant to me.

First things first, I have to decide who, if anyone, I'm going to share this blog with. I mean, sharing a blog is a big deal to me. Other then the fun posts about family vacations and the cute things my kids do on a daily basis, this is a journal. And it's my journal. And it's not really up for debate because it's me and how I feel. Watching someone learn and grow can sometimes be an ugly thing to watch, I have learned that. I just have to keep reminding myself that even though I'm getting old, this is the first time in my life that I have been in the situation that I find myself in today, and tomorrow and next week... so it's okay to do it wrong, as long as I keep trying. And that's the plan, to keep trying.

Saturday, September 17, 2011

The Realness of Reno 2011

We were having a great time on Friday, September 16th, 2011






Our red coolers show how close we were to where the P-51 Mustang made contact with the Earth.
We all felt so lucky and blessed by the minor injuries we experienced.
I will always be connected with those who experienced this with me.
  post signature

Box A-49

I'm not sure how all of this is going to come out. I'm not sure I will edit my writing, or keep this little entree locked away as a draft never to be published, or maybe I trust those select few of you that have access to my blog. You may want to skip over this post, it's not pretty, actually there is nothing pretty about this experience. So, for now, I will write as though I am writing to myself, a journaling of all that I saw and all that I felt as I witnessed something that I don't yet feel very comfortable discussing in depth about.

I work for DP Air Corporation. My company builds data centers for many fortune 100 companies; Nestle, Avnet, Mattel, etc... I don't do any of that, in fact, I don't understand much about data centers. I did explored one once, when the CEO, Arnie, was finally disgusted enough at my ignorance and forced me to accompany him in a tour of a facility. The tour was great, I went from knowing nothing to knowing about 5 very broad things. Luckily, I don't have to know much about the design/build side of a data center in my job. I am the "executive" assistant to the CFO of our company, Jennifer (don't laugh those of you that know how terribly awful I am at math or those that have seen me break down in tears at the sight of an Excel spreadsheet). I really like my job. I work 3 days a week and spend most of my time planning travel for our company and helping organize meetings and events. One of the biggest events I plan throughout the entire year is the Reno Air Races. Arnie is a pilot and a lot of his friends and clients are pilots so for the past 10-15 years Arnie has hosted a box at the Reno Air Race Event.

Starting in May, Jennifer and I make our first attempts at pinning Arnie down to go over the invite list, hotel list, transportation options, airfare, food, give-a-ways, shirts, and whatever else you can think of. As soon as I get some direction I'm off, this event becomes my main priority mostly because of what a perfectionist Arnie is and how he views this as our gift to our clients.

For 10 years Arnie has purchased Box A-49. As you can imagine it is a very elite box worth a lot of money. It's equivalent to the first row on the 50 yard line of a football field. He is very proud of his box and the view it provides for the races. I don't blame him for being proud of it, he works really hard to make this event special. There are 20 seats inside of each box and most years we get our box pretty full on all days (Wednesday - Sunday) but this year, because of the huge response we received, we had days where there was more people on our list than actual chairs in our box. We were a little stressed but luckily, we were able to purchase more chairs in a box in the B section. All was good. All was under control.

I'm telling this story way to slow.

In all the years that DP Air has hosted a box at the Reno Air Races an "admin" has never been invited. This year I was invited. Jennifer took me in to her office and explained that she was a little stressed out with how many people were coming this year and asked me if I would like to go and help her out... to tell you the truth, at first I was nervous. Not because of the races, I knew NOTHING about what that was like, but I guess I was more nervous to leave my family and I was nervous about keeping all these ex-fighter pilot/CEO/high roller/pilot people happy. I mean, they live in a completely different world than I do. They all have assistants (that's me), they all own airplanes that they fly to and fro in, some of them own fighter jets (this would include Arnie), most of them are Presidents or Vice Presidents or CFO's of a company, most of them have a dozen cars that they choose from as they drive to work in the mornings... and then there is me... MINI-VAN me!

Obviously I accepted the invitation to go Wednesday morning to Sunday morning (my boss told me she understands that I need to get back in time for church!!). Wednesday we arrived. I hurried ahead of everyone to get to the Peppermill Resort so that I could make sure everything was ready for everyone to check-in. At noon we met in the lobby to head out for our first half-day of the races.

On Wednesday and Thursday we had the same group (so I don't forget): Arnie Evdokimo, Jennifer Harler, Chris Barger, Arne Haussler (German), Chris-Justin Case (German), Bob Gracz, Marianne Bertino, Jason Bredimus, Gary Duplock, Alan (Gary's customer), Mark Taylor, Glen Thomas, Scott Mills, Al Evdokimo, Sheryl Evdokimo, Getz, Letice Jolley.

I don't remember watching much of the races that day, I was hyper focused on making sure everyone was happy and Wednesday is a slow day, not all the seats are full in any box or in the grand stands but Thursday, now that day was COOL! I remember hearing the National Anthem as the "Thunderbirds" flew over head. I wrote something like "I am feeling so emotionally patriotic today in Reno"... and I was. I even had some tears trickle down my cheek as I took a moment and honored those who have fought and sacrificed for this wonderful country. It was awesome, and I was starting to relax a lot more. I was starting to get sarcastic with my company and place silly bets on the races. I about had a heart attack the first time I heard the announcer say "there has been a mayday, looks like one of our racers has pulled out of the race". I stood looking frantically for a airplane that was out of control... I couldn't find it, and what was even crazier was as I looked around I noticed everyone in my box was still drinking their beers and eating their chips... HELLO, did anyone hear that?... a MAYDAY... HELLO????????? Well, apparently this happens a lot. In fact, one airplane crashed, a huge cloud of dust went up near the mountains... the announcer said, "the pilot is alright folks, we are listening to him in the cockpit now and he is fine, angry and cussing up a storm, but fine". Ummmm, why was this so strange to me but hardly anyone else batted an eye? I decided I needed to mellow out or this would be my very first and very last invite to the Reno Air Races.

Friday, September 16th, some of our guests who had arrived on Wednesday left on Friday morning as new arrivals were coming for the weekend. I remember being sad that some of my new friends were leaving and also realizing that I was going to have to start all over again with our new guests. But everyone seemed very friendly and I was already very comfortable with the structure of the day and the races.

Friday's group (so I don't forget): Arnie Evdokimo, Jennifer Harler, Chris Barger, Arne Haussler, Brian Desberg, Chris-Justin Case, Scott Mills, Letice Jolley, Vernon Price, Jim Smith, Michael Spandau (German), Steve Grover, Ryan Lee, Ken Getz, Al Evdokimo, Janis Evdokimo, Adam Evdokimo, Arianna Evdokimo. (arriving Friday night: Grant Gasson, David Gasson).

Friday's agenda was exactly like all the other days. Meet in the lobby at 9:00, catch the DP Air shuttle from the Peppermill to the races, hang out at the races, take pictures, eat, drink, check out the "pit", enjoy the patriotism, meet new friends, meet at 6:00pm, catch the shuttle back to the Peppermill, shower, dinner at 8:00 at the Bimini Steakhouse. I could say it in my sleep. But nothing ever seems to go as planned, not perfectly anyway.

It was a beautiful day. The morning was a little chilly for my Arizona skin so I wore my hoodie for most of the morning. We started off the day wondering around, the new guests wanted to look around so Jennifer and I accompanied them. Around 10:00am we were all in the boxes watching the races, talking about our families at home, talking about hobbies, jobs, kids, grandkids and cheering for our favorite pilots. I remember I like a pilot named Ernie. I liked him because on Wednesday while I was walking around viewing the beautiful aircrafts that were grounded I met Ernie, he was standing beside his plane as proud as could be. I asked him if he was the pilot (I knew he was either the pilot or the owner) he told me he was the pilot. As we visited with each other I asked him if he was going to win, he answered me in the most humble way, "I view all of us pilots as winners if we all take off and we all land safely." As we continued talking he mentioned his grandchildren. He told me that being a grandpa was the best thing he has ever been in his entire life. He told me one by one all of his grandkids names, he even got a little choked up speaking about them... I fell in love with him. Any manly man that gets choked up when talking about their family is my kind of guy. I told him I would be rooting for him every time he took flight. On Thursday he raced, I yelled as loud as I could for him, he took second place. On Friday he raced, I yelled as loud as I could for him, he took first place. After his race he rode around the audience in an old fashion fire truck, I yelled at him from my A-49 front row seat, he yelled back and winked. I really liked Ernie, I still do. Maybe I will look him up so I know his last name and find a way to get a letter to him, just so he knows that I like him. Just in case.

Around 1:00pm everyone was hungry so we headed out of our box in search for some greasy cheeseburgers and fries... it wasn't much of a hunt as every single venue provided just that, cheeseburgers and fries... yum. After lunch we went back to our seats to watch more races. I sat next to Chris Barger most of the time. Chris is Arnie's best friend in the entire world and, of course, a pilot. He had lots of patience with me as I'm sure I asked him the most ignorant questions ever. "Why is that pilot doing that? Why does that airplane look like that? What kind of plane did Amelia Airhart fly? Why do those jets sound like that? Who's in first place? Where is the guy in first place? I can't see where you are pointing... what?"... oh poor Chris! I could tell, just by being next to him, how much passion and love he had for the sport, the planes, jets, military aircrafts, etc... he was great at answering all my questions and being happy about it at the same time. Chris is a really good guy, I'm sure he wanted to smack me a few dozen times but he didn't. Chris would prove to be a true hero by the end of this day.

Around 4:15pm I went with Jennifer and Ryan to get more food and drinks. As we were entering the ticket area to get back to our box I shouted at Jen "hey, I'm going shopping, I'm going to look for some souvenirs for my kids." I knew I had another full day to look for souvenirs but I also needed a little break and to stretch my legs a bit longer. And, after all, it was the last race of the day and I planned on being back before it was over because I left some of my things in the box, including my hoodie. Ryan was heading back with Jen when I noticed him running towards me. Ryan is engaged to be married in less than a month and informed me that he probably should come with me in hopes of finding something to take home to his fiancé. I was happy to have his company, Ryan is my age or a year older so we just hung out and laughed on our little outing.

Not long into our search for gifts did we realize that everything at the races was overpriced (well, overpriced according to me... MINI-VAN DRIVER) so we ended up walking toward the military planes. Ryan mentioned to me that he wanted to get a good shot to send to his dad and asked me if I could take it with my iPhone and text it to him so he could send it to his father right away. Just like a good hostess, I took the picture and right after I text it to him I realized that Arnie and Al were standing near us. Ryan and I went over and said hello.

I was messing with my camera because Arnie joked all week that it was my job to get good pictures, you know, to pay my way! He was kidding but I was hoping to get some good pictures. I normally keep my camera on the automatic setting because I know NOTHING about actually using all the fun features that my camera offers but I was experimenting on this day. I remember Al Evdokimo was talking and I kept changing my camera settings and shooting pictures of him, he asked me why I was taking pictures of him talking and I told him I was trying out my shutter setting so that I could get great pictures of the planes as they raced by.

Then, as I was taking pictures of Al talking, he looked right over my head (my back was to the races) and said "NO". I turned and noticed that a huge aircraft was unusually close to the grandstands and the box seats. I'm sure it was only seconds, or milliseconds but it seemed as though I watched that airplane maneuver for quite some time. I heard the announcer mention that the "Galloping Ghost" called for a mayday, but I'm not sure if I hear that before Al pointed out the airplane or after. By now, if I heard "mayday" I didn't really even turn my head to look, as it was so common. Whether or not I heard the announcer first or second doesn't matter as my brain was trying to process what was going on, I'm not sure of the order of anything. I remember at one point early on thinking, he is so very close to the stands. I also remember thinking, not even the acrobatic planes ever got that close. I remember thinking or feeling that something was very wrong, especially after Al, a retired military pilot, said "no". Then the plane pulled up, I mean straight up. Almost parallel to the grandstands, then, almost as though it overcorrected, it kept pulling up so hard that it did a "u-turn" in the air and was heading back down, it seemed so slow but it wasn't, this plane was moving close to 500mph, in the fastest race of the day. And then I watch, with no thoughts, with no regard to what was really happening, as the airplane no more than 100 yards away from me, in clear site, smashed into the earth. I don't remember hearing it. I don't remember hearing anything. It crashed. It was silent. But the ground moved under my feet. I shook. It swayed. I felt the plane crash. I saw debree explode off the ground. I saw shrapnel shoot in all directions. I didn't see any sign of an actual visible airplane. I remember thinking (and I'm pretty sure I even said out loud) "that hit our box - THAT HIT OUR BOX"... then my sense of hearing returned and I heard Al shout from behind me, "stay where you are, everybody STAY WHERE YOU ARE." So I freeze, for a moment. I don't dare move. Then I start moving. I'm moving towards our box. I'm not sure if I'm running or walking.

At the time I don't remember this but Jon reminds me later that I called him. I remember calling him before I got to the box, in fact I'm pretty sure I was walking in the direction of our box but I wasn't running. I call him and ask, "hey, how is your day going?", he says it's good but that he is in a hurry to wrap things up so that he can get home by 6:00. I asked him, "did you call Madi Harper (our common babysitter) because she text me today and I think she was meaning to text you." Jon responded that he hadn't talked to Madi but that he would call her. Then I told him, after asking about his day and about Madi, I finally told him, "Jon, I just saw a really bad plane crash, I just witnessed a pilot die". Then Jon told me that it sounded like I was shouting at someone and then the phone went dead, I just hung up on him. Clearly something wasn't working correctly in my brain at this time.

Then I remember running. I ran to the wrong place and I remember thinking to myself, "TC what the crap is wrong with you, you've been here for 3 days, you know how to get to your box, how did you end up in the bleachers, you need to GET A GRIP and get to your box". When I arrived at the scene I couldn't find our box, there were no more boxes. I ran into Arnie and Ryan, I'm not sure if they were with me the entire time or if we happened to meet at the same place in search of the same thing. I dug through some rubble and pulled out one of the box signs, I think it said "Box A-51" so we counted "one, two"... and there it was our box, or what was left of our box.

I call them the "unmovable red coolers" you'll see them in most any picture that there is on the news showing this devastating crash. I saw the coolers, and written on top of the coolers was "Box A-49". There wasn't a single soul in our box. Where was everyone? I stood there staring at images I hesitate to talk about or write about. I saw the landing gear laying in our box from the airplane that just crashed. I saw a few hats that our friends and guests were wearing during the day. I saw the coolers. Then I saw guts (I honestly just sat here for 5 minutes trying to find a better, less brutal word to describe what I saw but there isn't one). I saw the insides of someone. I remember not looking too closely, I remember feeling as though I was being disrespectful if I stood there staring. I also remember Ryan, he was pretty freaked out. He was pointing at our box and at the remains of some poor soul, he was pointing and repeating, "oh my gosh, what is that? oh my gosh, what is that?". Then I felt Arnie's hands grab my shoulders, he grabbed them very tightly. I wonder if it looked as though I was going to fall over or pass out because he was grabbing me in a way that would suggest that if he didn't grab me, and grab me tight, I would fall over. We stood there, for what seemed like a long time. I was on a mission though, I was looking for familiar faces so it didn't really disturb me when I heard a man scream and when I looked in his direction I saw a hole in his chest that was shooting blood into the air, almost like a volcano erupting. I saw people around him, not medics, the medics weren't on the scene yet, these were just regular people ripping their shirts off in hopes of clogging up the hole. But all I remember thinking was "nope" as he was not a face I was searching for. Then I remember, as Ryan was screaming "oh my gosh, oh my gosh" a man, or an officer of some sort saying, "you guys need to get out of here". Then I heard Arnie's voice, he was still holding my shoulders and I was still holding my camera, he had a quiver in his voice, something I had never heard from this man before, and he said, "this is our box and we can't find our friends".

The man told us we could go look on the GREEN tarp for our friends. At the time I didn't really register the word green but as time went on I realized why he directed us to the green tarp and the green tarp only, the red tarp should never have happened. The red tarp should never existed but not only did it exist but it was there, in front of my eyes. I felt like I was in a foreign country. I felt like a bomb had just gone off as everywhere I looked I saw body parts lying there. Hands, legs, feet, fingers, skin, it was the WORST SCENE that I have every witnessed. Still, I was searching for familiar faces.

We lost Ryan, I didn't know where he was but later found out he left the scene. Arnie told me to leave but I wouldn't, in fact, I don't even remember him telling me to leave but he told me he did and I believe him. This was no place for anyone to be, especially woman and children, which is what I remember seeing next. A little boy was yelling, screaming actually, at an officer. He was saying, "no, you can't make me leave, that is my brother, I'm not leaving". This boy was anywhere from 8-10 years old, my Brayden is 8 year old. The boy, as many young children do, turned his back on the officer in his rage and folded his arms almost as though he was pouting. I was standing very close to this boy. I ran over to him and hugged him. I remember being on my knees and feeling his little body fall into mine. I didn't say a single word to him, I just remember hearing my name, "Letice" and gently placing the little boy back on his feet. I stood there and started at him for a split second and he stared back. Then, without knowing what else to do, I rubbed his head and turned and ran toward Arnie.

Throughout this entire search I had my camera in my hand and I was taking pictures in one hand and dialing Jennifer's phone number frantically with my other hand. I'm not sure why I was taking pictures. I feel a little ashamed that I was taking pictures but I was. I was shooting from my hip, I never stopped and put the camera to my eye to view what I was shooting but regardless, I took a lot of pictures, a lot of fuzzy pictures, a lot of pictures of the sky, a lot of my feet, and many very clear, very graphic pictures.

I saw people die that day, I saw red blankets over dead bodies, there were at lease two fatality in Box A-48, of which I have pictures of both bodies, both people I recognize as our "box neighbors" and even conversed with, and at least one fatality in Box A-50.

Where were my friends? I ran back to our box with Arnie and looked once more. There were the hats I saw earlier and then I noticed my hoodie. The site of my hoodie brought me out of my fog for a moment and I realized how real this all was. My hoodie kept me warm that morning and I later took my hoodie off because it was too hot placing it on the back of my chair. And yet, here it was, my own eyes witnessed as someone had placed my hoodie over someone less fortunate or less lucky than I was that day. My heart started to ache. It was an overflow of pain. Pain for the people surrounding me with red blankets over them, red meaning gone. Pain for the little boy who was yelling for his brother, pain for the lady in the brown dress that didn't like to sit so she stood behind her box (box A-48) most of the time visiting with all her neighbors, there she was, in her cute summer brown dress, gone... dead. My heart started beating pretty fast and the tears started forming when I heard Arnie yell my name again. He found them... nope, he got a hold of them on the phone. I was running towards him as he waited for me, then we ran together out of the arena and then I saw Jen. She was already running towards me, I don't know if I have ever ran faster in my life. I grabbed her and she threw her arms around me. I said, "Jen..." but she cut me off as though reading my mind and said, "everyone survived, everyone is alive Letice, everyone is alive from our group." I cried. I cried and cried and cried. I couldn't breath because I was crying so much.

I think that's all I will share for now. Maybe I'll finish the details in another blog. Good night for now.

(the airplane diving into the earth)

(i took this photo. it's the remains of our box)



(the moment the plane made contact - 35 feet from my seat)

(this shot was taken by me. box A-49 our box. the
planes landing gear ended up in the box)

(another shot i took of what remaind of A-49)


(our group. i think in shock)
Posting these pictures takes me back. What a life changing moment.

Saturday, January 15, 2011

Eating Disorders Kill





My friend passed away. I guess life got too hard. I guess her eating disorder was too much. I met her at Remuda and she was one of the nicest, accepting, funny girls I have had the pleasure of knowing. I'm so sad. I'm devastated. My heart hurts for her family, my heart ACHES for her 3 kids. Kristen, I love you. I will miss you. You are an angel and I will fight for you.